Out here, the parlour game of the moment involves predicting, in a tone of utter certainty that only Americans can really carry off, what’s going to happen at Sunday night’s Oscars.

Being a cynical Brit, I’m more inclined to have a go at predicting what’s absolutely not going to happen on Hollywood’s big night. So here, in feverish anticipation, are a dozen things you definitely shouldn’t expect to see...

* Angelina Jolie wearing a dress that |discreetly hides the hieroglyphics on her back.

* A clean-shaven Brad Pitt.

* Mickey Rourke in a demure black tie, combined with a pair of tasselled loafers.

* A heterosexual male gainfully employed as a red-carpet fashion pundit.

* Screaming fans seeking autographs from a contender for the Best Cinematography award.

* Young Slumdog Millionaire star Dev Patel wearing a suit that doesn’t look like it was bought for him to “grow into.”

* A single fat person.

* Host Hugh Jackman introduced with the words: “Best known as Wolverine”.

* Kate Winslet stepping down from the winner’s podium before her allotted 45 seconds are up.

* A leading lady answering the question “what are you wearing?” with the words, “a dress, moron”.

* Sean Penn delivering a gracious acceptance speech, before disappearing backstage to exchange friendly banter with the Hollywood press corps.

* A newspaper on Tuesday morning that doesn’t construct its headline around a comic reworking of the words “Slumdog Millionaire”.

And the Worst Film goes to...

Let us not forget Hollywood’s other big event this weekend: the 29th annual Razzies, honouring the worst films of 2008. Shortlisted artists include Mike Myers for The Love Guru, and Paris Hilton for The Hottie and the Nottie. Last year’s winner, Halle Berry, turned up to accept her gong in person. I hope both Myers and Hilton display similar grace.

Watch out! Aliens about

Sir Elton John’s lost none of his edge: Variety reports that the singer’s production company, Rocket Pictures, is to make a flick called Pride and Predator. It’s an adaptation of the Jane Austen novel “which veers from the traditional period costume drama when an alien crash lands and begins to butcher the mannered protagonists.” Razzie, anyone?