Guy Adams: What you won’t be seeing at the Oscars

LA Notebook

Share
Related Topics

Out here, the parlour game of the moment involves predicting, in a tone of utter certainty that only Americans can really carry off, what’s going to happen at Sunday night’s Oscars.

Being a cynical Brit, I’m more inclined to have a go at predicting what’s absolutely not going to happen on Hollywood’s big night. So here, in feverish anticipation, are a dozen things you definitely shouldn’t expect to see...

* Angelina Jolie wearing a dress that |discreetly hides the hieroglyphics on her back.

* A clean-shaven Brad Pitt.

* Mickey Rourke in a demure black tie, combined with a pair of tasselled loafers.

* A heterosexual male gainfully employed as a red-carpet fashion pundit.

* Screaming fans seeking autographs from a contender for the Best Cinematography award.

* Young Slumdog Millionaire star Dev Patel wearing a suit that doesn’t look like it was bought for him to “grow into.”

* A single fat person.

* Host Hugh Jackman introduced with the words: “Best known as Wolverine”.

* Kate Winslet stepping down from the winner’s podium before her allotted 45 seconds are up.

* A leading lady answering the question “what are you wearing?” with the words, “a dress, moron”.

* Sean Penn delivering a gracious acceptance speech, before disappearing backstage to exchange friendly banter with the Hollywood press corps.

* A newspaper on Tuesday morning that doesn’t construct its headline around a comic reworking of the words “Slumdog Millionaire”.

And the Worst Film goes to...

Let us not forget Hollywood’s other big event this weekend: the 29th annual Razzies, honouring the worst films of 2008. Shortlisted artists include Mike Myers for The Love Guru, and Paris Hilton for The Hottie and the Nottie. Last year’s winner, Halle Berry, turned up to accept her gong in person. I hope both Myers and Hilton display similar grace.

Watch out! Aliens about

Sir Elton John’s lost none of his edge: Variety reports that the singer’s production company, Rocket Pictures, is to make a flick called Pride and Predator. It’s an adaptation of the Jane Austen novel “which veers from the traditional period costume drama when an alien crash lands and begins to butcher the mannered protagonists.” Razzie, anyone?

React Now

  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Ashdown Group: IT Project Coordinator (Software Development) - Kingston

£45000 - £50000 per annum: Ashdown Group: IT Project Coordinator (Software Dev...

Ashdown Group: Editor-in-chief - Financial Services - City, London

£60000 - £70000 per annum + benefits : Ashdown Group: A highly successful, glo...

Ashdown Group: Junior Application Support Analyst - Fluent German Speaker

£25000 - £30000 per annum + benefits: Ashdown Group: A global leader operating...

Ashdown Group: Accountant - London - £48,000 - 12 month FTC

£40000 - £48000 per annum + bonus + benefits: Ashdown Group: International Acc...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

If I were Prime Minister: I'd shrink the gap between the highest and lowest paid

Marina Warner
 

Sorry Britain, but nobody cares about your little election – try being relevant next time

Emanuel Sidea
General Election 2015: Ed Miliband's unlikely journey from hapless geek to heart-throb

Miliband's unlikely journey from hapless geek to heart-throb

He was meant to be Labour's biggest handicap - but has become almost an asset
General Election 2015: A guide to the smaller parties, from the the National Health Action Party to the Church of the Militant Elvis Party

On the margins

From Militant Elvis to Women's Equality: a guide to the underdogs standing in the election
Amr Darrag: Ex-Muslim Brotherhood minister in exile still believes Egypt's military regime can be replaced with 'moderate' Islamic rule

'This is the battle of young Egypt for the future of our country'

Ex-Muslim Brotherhood minister Amr Darrag still believes the opposition can rid Egypt of its military regime and replace it with 'moderate' Islamic rule, he tells Robert Fisk
Why patients must rely less on doctors: Improving our own health is the 'blockbuster drug of the century'

Why patients must rely less on doctors

Improving our own health is the 'blockbuster drug of the century'
Sarah Lucas is the perfect artist to represent Britain at the Venice Biennale

Flesh in Venice

Sarah Lucas has filled the British pavilion at the Venice Biennale with slinky cats and casts of her female friends' private parts. It makes you proud to be a woman, says Karen Wright
11 best anti-ageing day creams

11 best anti-ageing day creams

Slow down the ageing process with one of these high-performance, hardworking anti-agers
Juventus 2 Real Madrid 1: Five things we learnt, including Iker Casillas is past it and Carlos Tevez remains effective

Juventus vs Real Madrid

Five things we learnt from the Italian's Champions League first leg win over the Spanish giants
Ashes 2015: Test series looks a lost cause for England... whoever takes over as ECB director of cricket

Ashes series looks a lost cause for England...

Whoever takes over as ECB director of cricket, says Stephen Brenkley
Fishing for votes with Nigel Farage: The Ukip leader shows how he can work an audience as he casts his line to the disaffected of Grimsby

Fishing is on Nigel Farage's mind

Ukip leader casts a line to the disaffected
Who is bombing whom in the Middle East? It's amazing they don't all hit each other

Who is bombing whom in the Middle East?

Robert Fisk untangles the countries and factions
China's influence on fashion: At the top of the game both creatively and commercially

China's influence on fashion

At the top of the game both creatively and commercially
Lord O’Donnell: Former cabinet secretary on the election and life away from the levers of power

The man known as GOD has a reputation for getting the job done

Lord O'Donnell's three principles of rule
Rainbow shades: It's all bright on the night

Rainbow shades

It's all bright on the night
'It was first time I had ever tasted chocolate. I kept a piece, and when Amsterdam was liberated, I gave it to the first Allied soldier I saw'

Bread from heaven

Dutch survivors thank RAF for World War II drop that saved millions
Britain will be 'run for the wealthy and powerful' if Tories retain power - Labour

How 'the Axe' helped Labour

UK will be 'run for the wealthy and powerful' if Tories retain power