Ian Blair's Diary: I burnt the toast, but I'm staying to make the changes needed

Share

Saturday: the alarm clock rings at 8am. I fully intend to reach out and calmly turn it off, but due to poor visibility and the difficulty in making a snap judgement in the heat of the moment, I accidentally seize a bowl of nuts which I mistake for the alarm clock, and hurl it to the floor. The nuts scatter and bounce out of the bedroom door. I chase them down the stairs, shouting at my wife to keep clear, and stamp on them with quite reasonable force as they skitter suspiciously all over the hallway.

"What on earth are you doing?" says my wife, from upstairs.

"Operational details cannot be divulged to the public," I reply. "But it is possible that the nuts were in the wrong place at the wrong time."

Making my wife breakfast, I burn the toast. It is regrettable. Very regrettable. But other commissioners have surely burnt toast in the past and I will not allow one incident of burned toast to prevent me from bringing about the changes I have set in motion. We have muesli instead. Muesli represents the kind of modern, integrated, high-fibre Metropolitan police force I have been charged with creating.

Later that day, I am putting up a new fence in my garden when my neighbour emerges in a south-easterly direction from his house and complains that I have positioned a fence post eight feet inside the boundary of his garden.

"It may be that this post is simply in the wrong place at the wrong time," I inform him. "However, I have been entrusted with this post and I do not intend to relinquish it."

"But it's in the middle of my bloody garden!" he says.

"I stand by the position I made clear earlier," I say.

He walks away, rotating an index finger in a circular motion on the side of his head.

When I go back inside, I find that one of the kittens has pooed on the kitchen floor, so I rub his nose in it, and he runs away yowling. Then our dog comes in through the cat flat and I realise it is, in fact dog poo. "I feel a very deep and very personal regret," I tell the mother cat. "However, I would like to point out that I retain the full confidence of the Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith."

After lunch, I put up some bookshelves in the spare room. Unfortunately, I put them up perpendicularly, rather than horizontally, so all the books fall off them onto the floor.

"Arguably, I could have done things differently, and then the books would not be on the floor," I say to my wife. "Not a day will go by when I do not think of that." She gives me a strange look.

That evening, I have decided to take my wife to Leicester Square to see Ratatouille. I discover that I have accidentally booked us into a production of Rigoletto at La Scala in Milan. It is regrettable.

"Right," snaps my wife. "I want a divorce. I'm calling a lawyer."

"There is no need to involve outside agencies," I tell her. "I can assure you there will be a full internal inquiry into the matter of the cinema tickets. But I am sure other commissioners have made other mistakes when planning an evening out with their wives, some of them quite serious. I will not allow one incident to prevent me from bringing about the changes to our marriage that I have set in motion. I intend to remain in my post as husband."

She does not reply, and when we get home, she goes into the spare room, kicking books out of the way, and slams the door.

I go into our bedroom, but as I am preparing for bed, I accidentally dislodge my third-place trophy from the police shooting team from its shelf – not one I put up – above the bedside table. It falls onto the alarm clock and smashes it to pieces. This is regrettable.

The alarm clock was simply in the wrong place. And probably telling the wrong time.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Systems & Data Lead – Oxfordshire – Permanent – Up to £24k

£20000 - £24000 Per Annum 28 days holiday, free parking, pension: Clearwater P...

Digital Media Manager

£38000 - £40000 Per Annum: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd: Our client based i...

Primary Supply Teacher

£115 - £140 per day: Randstad Education Luton: Primary supply teacher Hertford...

Primary Supply Teacher in Stevenage

£115 - £121 per day: Randstad Education Luton: primary teacher Hertfordshire

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

August catch-up: second languages, the secret of love and is it all right to call someone stupid?

John Rentoul
High and mighty: Edinburgh Castle and city skyline  

i Editor's Letter: We're coming to Edinburgh

Oliver Duff Oliver Duff
Israel-Gaza conflict: No victory for Israel despite weeks of death and devastation

Robert Fisk: No victory for Israel despite weeks of devastation

Palestinians have won: they are still in Gaza, and Hamas is still there
Mary Beard writes character reference for Twitter troll who called her a 'slut'

Unlikely friends: Mary Beard and the troll who called her a ‘filthy old slut’

The Cambridge University classicist even wrote the student a character reference
America’s new apartheid: Prosperous white districts are choosing to break away from black cities and go it alone

America’s new apartheid

Prosperous white districts are choosing to break away from black cities and go it alone
Amazon is buying Twitch for £600m - but why do people want to watch others playing Xbox?

What is the appeal of Twitch?

Amazon is buying the video-game-themed online streaming site for £600m - but why do people want to watch others playing Xbox?
Tip-tapping typewriters, ripe pongs and slides in the office: Bosses are inventing surprising ways of making us work harder

How bosses are making us work harder

As it is revealed that one newspaper office pumps out the sound of typewriters to increase productivity, Gillian Orr explores the other devices designed to motivate staff
Manufacturers are struggling to keep up with the resurgence in vinyl records

Hard pressed: Resurgence in vinyl records

As the resurgence in vinyl records continues, manufacturers and their outdated machinery are struggling to keep up with the demand
Tony Jordan: 'I turned down the chance to research Charles Dickens for a TV series nine times ... then I found a kindred spirit'

A tale of two writers

Offered the chance to research Charles Dickens for a TV series, Tony Jordan turned it down. Nine times. The man behind EastEnders and Life on Mars didn’t feel right for the job. Finally, he gave in - and found an unexpected kindred spirit
Could a later start to the school day be the most useful educational reform of all?

Should pupils get a lie in?

Doctors want a later start to the school day so that pupils can sleep later. Not because teenagers are lazy, explains Simon Usborne - it's all down to their circadian rhythms
Prepare for Jewish jokes – as Jewish comedians get their own festival

Prepare for Jewish jokes...

... as Jewish comedians get their own festival
SJ Watson: 'I still can't quite believe that Before I Go to Sleep started in my head'

A dream come true for SJ Watson

Watson was working part time in the NHS when his debut novel, Before I Go to Sleep, became a bestseller. Now it's a Hollywood movie, too. Here he recalls the whirlwind journey from children’s ward to A-list film set
10 best cycling bags for commuters

10 best cycling bags for commuters

Gear up for next week’s National Cycle to Work day with one of these practical backpacks and messenger bags
Paul Scholes: Three at the back isn’t working yet but given time I’m hopeful Louis van Gaal can rebuild Manchester United

Paul Scholes column

Three at the back isn’t working yet but given time I’m hopeful Louis van Gaal can rebuild Manchester United
Kate Bush, Hammersmith Apollo music review: A preamble, then a coup de théâtre - and suddenly the long wait felt worth it

Kate Bush shows a voice untroubled by time

A preamble, then a coup de théâtre - and suddenly the long wait felt worth it
Robot sheepdog technology could be used to save people from burning buildings

The science of herding is cracked

Mathematical model would allow robots to be programmed to control crowds and save people from burning buildings
Tyrant: Is the world ready for a Middle Eastern 'Dallas'?

This tyrant doesn’t rule

It’s billed as a Middle Eastern ‘Dallas’, so why does Fox’s new drama have a white British star?