If all the world's a movie set, WC Fields is just the man to play me

Life on Marsden

Share
Related Topics

I was asked the other day who I'd like to play me in a film of my own life. Bearing in mind that the most suitable candidates – Ryan Gosling, Zac Efron, etc – would probably ask for too much money and blow a budget already decimated by my own exorbitant consultancy fee, I went for WC Fields. He'd bring the necessary pathos, girth, absurdity and thirst to the role – and yes, I know he's dead, but even in his advanced state of decay he'd still do the job better than Danny Dyer.

I moved house last week, and as I was about to leave the flat I'd spent the last 16 years mooching about in, I imagined myself playing myself in my own biopic. "This would definitely be a good bit," I thought, as I pictured a soft-focus, slow-mo reconstruction of domestic highlights from my 20s and 30s. Passionate, tender moments, absurdly exaggerated to make me seem vaguely romantic. Blazing arguments, where my pig-headedness is portrayed as an heroic example of principled conviction. A shrug to camera, as a former flatmate smashes a full glass of red wine in the kitchen and wanders off leaving me to clean it up. That was so weird. Still don't understand it.

Anyway, this sequence fades to a shot of me, standing in the empty hallway on a grubby beige carpet that was impossible to keep clean. I turn to make my exit, but hesitate before shutting the door, because I don't have the keys to my new place yet and if something goes wrong I'm totally screwed. But finally I pluck up courage – clunk – and I walk away, far away, into the distance, specifically Walthamstow, as the camera pulls back and up while "Ride Of The Valkyries" thunders away in the background.

If all of that sounds massively self-absorbed, which it is, I'm just saying that there are occasional moments on our slow road to oblivion that deserve to be savoured, and it's not our fault if overexposure to Hollywood shlock has made us imagine them in a preposterously dramatic context. However, if you start pondering who might play you in the stage musical about your life, and you start singing an improvised torch song about you making a cup of tea while you make a cup of tea,and then burst into tears, seek help.

React Now

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Apprentice IT Technician

£150.00 per week: QA Apprenticeships: This company is a company that specializ...

1st Line Technical Service Desk Analyst IT Apprentice

£153.75 per week: QA Apprenticeships: This company is an innovative outsourcin...

1st Line Helpdesk Engineer Apprentice

£150.00 per week: QA Apprenticeships: This company has been providing on site ...

Sales Associate Apprentice

£150.00 per week: QA Apprenticeships: We've been supplying best of breed peopl...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

There is far too much sexism in the UK - but a point scoring system against other countries won't help to tackle it

Victoria Richards
 

Upmarket and downmarket – why the modern consumer loves a bit of both

Sean O'Grady
How I brokered a peace deal with Robert Mugabe: Roy Agyemang reveals the delicate diplomacy needed to get Zimbabwe’s President to sit down with the BBC

How I brokered a peace deal with Robert Mugabe

Roy Agyemang reveals the delicate diplomacy needed to get Zimbabwe’s President to sit down with the BBC
Video of British Muslims dancing to Pharrell Williams's hit Happy attacked as 'sinful'

British Muslims's Happy video attacked as 'sinful'

The four-minute clip by Honesty Policy has had more than 300,000 hits on YouTube
Church of England-raised Michael Williams describes the unexpected joys in learning about his family's Jewish faith

Michael Williams: Do as I do, not as I pray

Church of England-raised Williams describes the unexpected joys in learning about his family's Jewish faith
A History of the First World War in 100 moments: A visit to the Front Line by the Prime Minister's wife

A History of the First World War in 100 moments

A visit to the Front Line by the Prime Minister's wife
Comedian Jenny Collier: 'Sexism I experienced on stand-up circuit should be extinct'

Jenny Collier: 'Sexism on stand-up circuit should be extinct'

The comedian's appearance at a show on the eve of International Women's Day was cancelled because they had "too many women" on the bill
Cannes Film Festival: Ken Loach and Mike Leigh to fight it out for the Palme d'Or

Cannes Film Festival

Ken Loach and Mike Leigh to fight it out for the Palme d'Or
The concept album makes surprise top ten return with neolithic opus from Jethro Tull's Ian Anderson

The concept album makes surprise top ten return

Neolithic opus from Jethro Tull's Ian Anderson is unexpected success
Lichen is the surprise new ingredient on fine-dining menus, thanks to our love of Scandinavian and Indian cuisines

Lichen is surprise new ingredient on fine-dining menus

Emily Jupp discovers how it can give a unique, smoky flavour to our cooking
10 best baking books

10 best baking books

Planning a spot of baking this bank holiday weekend? From old favourites to new releases, here’s ten cookbooks for you
Ricky Gervais: 'People are waiting for me to fail. If you think it's awful, then just don't watch it'

Ricky Gervais: 'People are waiting for me to fail'

As the second series of his divisive sitcom 'Derek' hits screens, the comedian tells James Rampton why he'll never bow to the critics who habitually circle his work
Mad Men series 7, TV review: The suits are still sharp, but Don Draper has lost his edge

Mad Men returns for a final fling

The suits are still sharp, but Don Draper has lost his edge
Google finds a lift into space will never get off the ground as there is no material strong enough for a cable from Earth into orbit

Google finds a lift into space will never get off the ground

Technology giant’s scientists say there is no material strong enough for a cable from Earth into orbit
Westminster is awash with tales of young men being sexually harassed - but it's far from being just a problem in politics

Is sexual harassment a fact of gay life?

Westminster is awash with tales of young men being sexually harassed - but it's far from being just a problem in politics
Moshi Monster creator Michael Acton Smith: The man behind a British success story

Moshi Monster creator Michael Acton Smith

Acton Smith launched a world of virtual creatures who took the real world by storm
Kim Jong-un's haircut: The Independent heads to Ealing to try out the dictator's do

Our journalist tries out Kim Jong-un's haircut

The North Korean embassy in London complained when M&M Hair Academy used Kim Jong-un's image in the window. Curious, Guy Pewsey heads to the hair salon and surrenders to the clippers