iWriters: Company parties - once a year is too much


Related Topics

It is Christmas time in Central London.

Oxford Street is all tinselled up, the joy of rush hour on the tube has added EdD – Eau de damp overcoat – and a mocha is an extra £2 thanks to the addition of 1.5p of peppermint syrup. No wonder the bars are packed.

I work in a delightful little cocktail place in Soho, smack bang in creative heaven, and I'm telling you: come December, serving drinks in a tiny skirt becomes a skill beyond anything any bonus-grabbing "bawwa" (bar slang for bankerw****r) could ever achieve. This is when the holiday drinkers come out to play. Oh yes, it's the company Christmas party.

Holiday drinkers are different to the rest of us, and not only in tolerance level. The rules on how to behave at civilised watering holes seem completely foreign to them. No matter how big or small, the corporate Christmas party will always consist of the same people.

First, and always easy to pick out, The Boss. Finger-clicking for attention, as it reminds him of the golden days of imperialism, he refers to the waitress as "the girl" as he orders through his assistant (whom he will later attempt to shag in a toilet cubicle) despite "the girl's" immediate presence.

Then there is the middle-management suit who hasn't really been out since university and therefore acts like he's out on a Poundland night at the SU. After tying his tie around his head and confusing the table with the floor, he frequently has to be told that no, my behind is not included in the price.

Next up is the career mum, always starting the night by declaring loud and proud that she is only having one white wine spritzer because she has to get home in time to put William/ Alfie/Penelope to bed. Two hours later, swigging something garnished with a passion fruit, she is proudly showing her entire iPhone photo collection of the little tyke. It normally only takes another half-hour before she grabs me by the neck, whisper-spitting, "Don't ever have kids, ever. No sex, no sleep, no social life, NOTHING".

Finally there's the intern. Eager to move up in the world, this girl sees the night as an opportunity to impress the bosses. Four cocktails later she is gyrating to the Black Eyed Peas with someone from HR while a brave waitress tries to convince her to put her shoes back on again.

I never thought I would find myself missing stag dos and 18th birthday parties, yet each year as I pull confetti from my hair, mistletoe from my cleavage and reach for my after-shift GT, I find myself begging for at least a couple of L-plated Hertfordshire hens to save the day.

Sara Malm is studying Journalism and the News Industry at the University of Kent.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Guru Careers: Software Developer / C# Developer

£40-50K: Guru Careers: We are seeking an experienced Software / C# Developer w...

Guru Careers: Software Developer

£35 - 40k + Benefits: Guru Careers: We are seeking a Software Developer (JavaS...

SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consultant / Resourcer

£18000 - £23000 per annum + Commission: SThree: As a Trainee Recruitment Consu...

Ashdown Group: UI Developer - (UI, HTML, CSS, JavaScript, AngularJS)

£25000 - £40000 per annum: Ashdown Group: UI Developer - (UI, JavaScript, HTML...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Yvette Cooper campaigning in London at the launch of Labour’s women’s manifesto  

I want the Labour Party to lead a revolution in family support

Yvette Cooper
Liz Kendall  

Labour leadership contest: 'Moderniser' is just a vague and overused label

Steve Richards
Abuse - and the hell that came afterwards

Abuse - and the hell that follows

James Rhodes on the extraordinary legal battle to publish his memoir
Why we need a 'tranquility map' of England, according to campaigners

It's oh so quiet!

The case for a 'tranquility map' of England
'Timeless fashion': It may be a paradox, but the industry loves it

'Timeless fashion'

It may be a paradox, but the industry loves it
If the West needs a bridge to the 'moderates' inside Isis, maybe we could have done with Osama bin Laden staying alive after all

Could have done with Osama bin Laden staying alive?

Robert Fisk on the Fountainheads of World Evil in 2011 - and 2015
New exhibition celebrates the evolution of swimwear

Evolution of swimwear

From bathing dresses in the twenties to modern bikinis
Sun, sex and an anthropological study: One British academic's summer of hell in Magaluf

Sun, sex and an anthropological study

One academic’s summer of hell in Magaluf
From Shakespeare to Rising Damp... to Vicious

Frances de la Tour's 50-year triumph

'Rising Damp' brought De la Tour such recognition that she could be forgiven if she'd never been able to move on. But at 70, she continues to flourish - and to beguile
'That Whitsun, I was late getting away...'

Ian McMillan on the Whitsun Weddings

This weekend is Whitsun, and while the festival may no longer resonate, Larkin's best-loved poem, lives on - along with the train journey at the heart of it
Kathryn Williams explores the works and influences of Sylvia Plath in a new light

Songs from the bell jar

Kathryn Williams explores the works and influences of Sylvia Plath
How one man's day in high heels showed him that Cannes must change its 'no flats' policy

One man's day in high heels

...showed him that Cannes must change its 'flats' policy
Is a quiet crusade to reform executive pay bearing fruit?

Is a quiet crusade to reform executive pay bearing fruit?

Dominic Rossi of Fidelity says his pressure on business to control rewards is working. But why aren’t other fund managers helping?
The King David Hotel gives precious work to Palestinians - unless peace talks are on

King David Hotel: Palestinians not included

The King David is special to Jerusalem. Nick Kochan checked in and discovered it has some special arrangements, too
More people moving from Australia to New Zealand than in the other direction for first time in 24 years

End of the Aussie brain drain

More people moving from Australia to New Zealand than in the other direction for first time in 24 years
Meditation is touted as a cure for mental instability but can it actually be bad for you?

Can meditation be bad for you?

Researching a mass murder, Dr Miguel Farias discovered that, far from bringing inner peace, meditation can leave devotees in pieces
Eurovision 2015: Australians will be cheering on their first-ever entrant this Saturday

Australia's first-ever Eurovision entrant

Australia, a nation of kitsch-worshippers, has always loved the Eurovision Song Contest. Maggie Alderson says it'll fit in fine