Jill Jacobs: Don't panic. But you are about to be wiped out...

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The Independent Online

This just in: We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming to bring you the following Special News Report. We have just received word that the United States may be the target of another terrorist attack during the next week. While we are unable to provide specific details regarding the nature of the threat, the information comes to us from a "credible source." We urge Americans to be on high alert, but to also continue with their normal lives.

This just in: We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming to bring you the following Special News Report. We have just received word that the United States may be the target of another terrorist attack during the next week. While we are unable to provide specific details regarding the nature of the threat, the information comes to us from a "credible source." We urge Americans to be on high alert, but to also continue with their normal lives.

An additional "reliable source" has revealed the threat of potential contamination of our nation's food and water supply, and the relative ease with which this could be accomplished. While we are unable to reveal specific information about when, how or where we received this information, we encourage Americans to be on an even higher alert than the high alert they've been on for the last seven weeks.

In order to keep the public abreast of pertinent Central Intelligence activities, the following is a map of all major water supply plants in the US. For our non-English speaking viewers, easily translated versions are also available, or visit the website, www.USAwatersupply.com.

This Just In: We are interrupting our Special News Report to bring you the following even More Special News Report: We have just received word from an extremely "credible source" that our nuclear plants may be the targets of terrorist attacks. While we are unable to reveal specifics about this threat, the attack could occur any time in the next few minutes, next month, or perhaps Thursday. Although the outcome would be catastrophic, Americans are urged to remain on alert of the highest magnitude.

The following are blueprints of all nuclear plants in the US, with easy-to-follow maps as a courtesy to our viewers. Or visit the website, www.NPPMAPS.com, to find the plant nearest you. While this information increases cause for concern, Americans are encouraged to be vigilant, but go about "business as usual", while remaining on really, really super high alert 2.

This just in: We have just received this breaking story from a "reliable source" about the imminent threat of a smallpox outbreak, which could occur, well – what time is it now?

Though the deadly disease was eradicated in the 1970s, the United States, and our new best friend, Russia, led by President Bush's new best friend, Vladimir Putin, agreed to keep stocks of the live smallpox virus in two secure labs. One located at the Centre for Disease Control in Atlanta and the other in Siberia.

A "credible source" has informed us that our definition of "secure" may have been slightly different from their definition, as we are not quite sure where the pesky little virus may have ended up. And in the event it ended up in the hands of one of those countries who are currently a little upset with the US, let's say, any country other than perhaps, England, well... this is no time for speculation.

An additional report has corroborated the ease in which a smallpox epidemic could occur, hypothetically speaking, perhaps by someone willing to risk all in the hopes of scoring with 72 virgins. After intentionally being infected with the virus, the "martyr" spends time in crowded areas such as airports or malls, infecting others, who unknowingly infect others, resulting in serious loss of life.

That's smallpox, S-M-A-L-L-P-O-X, only 15 millionavailable doses for America, population 280 million. That equals a lot Americans who are history or up that proverbial creek without a paddle. For more information on smallpox martyrdom, visit the website, www.waytoomuchinfo.com.

While the future is uncertain, as in a moment's notice we could be wiped off the face of the earth, there is no need for panic. Americans are encouraged to remain calm but vigilant while continuing with their normal daily routines.

We now return to our regularly scheduled programming already in progress.

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