Julian Clary: My advice to Lord Mandy? Flaunt it, sister

Share
Related Topics

Lots of people are having a go at Peter Mandelson these days. He's too "silent" say some, meaningfully. His lips are too thin, declare others. He walks with clenched buttocks, accuses someone called Quentin Letts, whose own buttocks flap manfully in the breeze, no doubt. Poor Peter might be forgiven for thinking he'd entered Mr Gay UK, rather than the political arena.

We'll never know, of course. Mandy has responded to these unsavoury attacks with a magnificent display of indifference. Disdain is a vital part of any queen's armour. "I seem to have annoyed you gentlemen in some way," was Quentin Crisp's withering response to the East End thugs who beat him to a pulp. When my autobiography prompted a homophobic review from a right-wing newspaper, my publishers presented me with a T-shirt emblazoned: "Hated By the Daily Mail". I still wear it with pride.

I, of course, have never "let it lie" as far as my sexuality is concerned. The de-mystification of gay sex has been my life's work. If homosexuality had never been invented I would very probably have had a rewarding career as a florist in Milton Keynes.

Oral and anal references pepper my every utterance. My gayness works for me. But poor Peter. He's a Lord and Business Secretary. It must be irksome that one of the consequences of his refusal to discuss his private life is nudge-nudge, wink-wink references to lips and buttocks. It distracts from his serious "Business Secretary" work, after all. As for the ermine and scarlet velvet robes she wore as she received her peerage, well, its not going to help, is it? We all know gays like dressing up...

So what is my advice to Peter Mandelson, sister to sister? Well, Peter, have you considered innuendo as a potent weapon? Listen up. Make 'em larf, and maybe they'll love you more. I'd start with a couple of references to Black Rod during the next Cabinet meeting, if I were you. Maybe prelude this with the news that you can hardly sit down ... Any talk of Whips could be an area rich with innuendo.

As for your general look, we'll start with the good points. The hair is bona. A "winsome wheat" rinse-in colour shampoo, then be a bit more generous with the products, and heads will turn. Tinted foundation and a daring visit to Vivienne Westwood and we're almost there. I would suggest a visit to a discreet cosmetic surgeon I know in Mayfair. Thin lips can be a thing of the past. I'll say no more.

I jest, obviously. But you see my point. The world cannot yet view a declared homosexual without a snigger. As a comedian I can incorporate this, but it's a problem if you want to be taken seriously. The media likes their celebrity stereotypes.

We gays aren't much better. I rather agree with my lesbian friend who says there seems to be something missing. Popular as he is with dusky foreigners, British gays aren't exactly forming a queue. Once you step on to the dance floor you're just a piece of meat, I'm afraid, government minister or not.

The wisdom of Mandelson's disdain will eventually pay off. He is, in my opinion, the more evolved queen.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Packaging Operatives

£7 - £8 per hour: Recruitment Genius: An opportunity has arisen for two indivi...

Ashdown Group: Trainee / Graduate Helpdesk Analyst

£20000 per annum: Ashdown Group: A highly reputable business is looking to rec...

Recruitment Genius: Estimator

£28000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This company is a major supplier of buil...

Recruitment Genius: Software Developer

£28000 - £40000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an exciting opportunity...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Ukip MEP Janice Atkinson (left) with party leader Nigel Farage  

Hey, Nigel Farage and Kerry Smith – my family are East Enders too and never use that word

Victoria Richards
A screenshot from the trailer for Hatred  

I love violent video games, but you'll never catch me playing Hatred

Alex White
Homeless Veterans appeal: 'You look for someone who's an inspiration and try to be like them'

Homeless Veterans appeal

In 2010, Sgt Gary Jamieson stepped on an IED in Afghanistan and lost his legs and an arm. He reveals what, and who, helped him to make a remarkable recovery
Could cannabis oil reverse the effects of cancer?

Could cannabis oil reverse effects of cancer?

As a film following six patients receiving the controversial treatment is released, Kate Hilpern uncovers a very slippery issue
The Interview movie review: You can't see Seth Rogen and James Franco's Kim Jong Un assassination film, but you can read about it here

The Interview movie review

You can't see Seth Rogen and James Franco's Kim Jong Un assassination film, but you can read about it here
Serial mania has propelled podcasts into the cultural mainstream

How podcasts became mainstream

People have consumed gripping armchair investigation Serial with a relish typically reserved for box-set binges
Jesus Christ has become an unlikely pin-up for hipster marketing companies

Jesus Christ has become an unlikely pin-up

Kevin Lee Light, aka "Jesus", is the newest client of creative agency Mother while rival agency Anomaly has launched Sexy Jesus, depicting the Messiah in a series of Athena-style poses
Rosetta space mission voted most important scientific breakthrough of 2014

A memorable year for science – if not for mice

The most important scientific breakthroughs of 2014
Christmas cocktails to make you merry: From eggnog to Brown Betty and Rum Bumpo

Christmas cocktails to make you merry

Mulled wine is an essential seasonal treat. But now drinkers are rediscovering other traditional festive tipples. Angela Clutton raises a glass to Christmas cocktails
5 best activity trackers

Fitness technology: 5 best activity trackers

Up the ante in your regimen and change the habits of a lifetime with this wearable tech
Paul Scholes column: It's a little-known fact, but I have played one of the seven dwarves

Paul Scholes column

It's a little-known fact, but I have played one of the seven dwarves
Fifa's travelling circus once again steals limelight from real stars

Fifa's travelling circus once again steals limelight from real stars

Club World Cup kicked into the long grass by the continued farce surrounding Blatter, Garcia, Russia and Qatar
Frank Warren column: 2014 – boxing is back and winning new fans

Frank Warren: Boxing is back and winning new fans

2014 proves it's now one of sport's biggest hitters again
Jeb Bush vs Hillary Clinton: The power dynamics of the two first families

Jeb Bush vs Hillary Clinton

Karen Tumulty explores the power dynamics of the two first families
Stockholm is rivalling Silicon Valley with a hotbed of technology start-ups

Stockholm is rivalling Silicon Valley

The Swedish capital is home to two of the most popular video games in the world, as well as thousands of technology start-ups worth hundreds of millions of pounds – and it's all happened since 2009
Did Japanese workers really get their symbols mixed up and display Santa on a crucifix?

Crucified Santa: Urban myth refuses to die

The story goes that Japanese store workers created a life-size effigy of a smiling "Father Kurisumasu" attached to a facsimile of Our Lord's final instrument of torture
Jennifer Saunders and Kate Moss join David Walliams on set for TV adaptation of The Boy in the Dress

The Boy in the Dress: On set with the stars

Walliams' story about a boy who goes to school in a dress will be shown this Christmas