Kathy Lette: 'It's a girl thing, guys'

Share

Our motheres always told us that "beauty comes from within". Yeah, right. Within a jar marked "Estée Lauder".

Our motheres always told us that "beauty comes from within". Yeah, right. Within a jar marked "Estée Lauder".

As any woman can tell you, beauty is one of the most lovely and natural things - which money can buy. When it comes to appearance, collective female confidence is lower than Britney Spears' bikini line. Show me a woman who is happy with her looks and I'll show you the electro-convulsive therapy scorch marks.

Like Dracula, most women try to avoid mirrors. Or, at least get them insured. Men on the other hand have always seemed to keep fit by doing step aerobics off their own egos. Until recently, that is ... Sales for men's beautifying products are on a sky-rocket trajectory. But boys, I beseech you - stop.

Women are neurotic about looks because we suffer from FACIAL prejudice; you men judge us on appearance. For women, however, wordplay is foreplay. (How else is Woody Allen still getting laid?) Humour, intelligence, compassion - surveys conclude that these are the more highly regarded attributes in a male.

Not that we want you to squat around on your haunches all day combing nits out of your back hair. A daily shower and shave fellas, is a must. But the female of the species is definitely put off by a man who demands more mirror time than she does. Globally, more money is spent on beauty products than on munitions. (And that's all these lotions and potions are really - ammunition in the sex war.) But "miracle creams" are so called because it's such a bloody miracle anyone would be stupid enough to fork out £150 for one.

The truth is that appearance is really a case of mind over matter: if you don't mind, it don't matter. So, don't buy into the metrosexual neuroses. Become a consumer conscientious objector and don't let the till toll for thee, and, if manners maketh man, why should make-up maketh woman? If you really want to impress women - learn to read between our lines.

Kathy Lette's latest novel, 'Dead Sexy', is published by Simon and Schuster.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Receptionist

Negotiable: Recruitment Genius: This law firm is seeking a happy, helpful and ...

The Jenrick Group: Production Supervisor

£26000 - £29000 per annum + Holidays & Pension: The Jenrick Group: Production ...

The Jenrick Group: Project Engineer

£33000 - £35000 per annum + Pension and holidays: The Jenrick Group: Project E...

The Jenrick Group: Maintenance Technician

£35200 per annum + Pension and holidays: The Jenrick Group: Maintenance Engine...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Letter from the Political Editor: Mr. Cameron is beginning to earn small victories in Europe

Andrew Grice
Pakistani volunteers carry a student injured in the shootout at a school under attack by Taliban gunmen, at a local hospital in Peshawar  

The Only Way is Ethics: The paper’s readers and users of our website want different things

Will Gore
Surrounded by high-rise flats is a little house filled with Lebanon’s history - clocks, rifles, frogmen’s uniforms and colonial helmets

Clocks, rifles, swords, frogmen’s uniforms

Surrounded by high-rise flats is a little house filled with Lebanon’s history
Return to Gaza: Four months on, the wounds left by Israel's bombardment have not yet healed

Four months after the bombardment, Gaza’s wounds are yet to heal

Kim Sengupta is reunited with a man whose plight mirrors the suffering of the Palestinian people
Gastric surgery: Is it really the answer to the UK's obesity epidemic?

Is gastric surgery really the answer to the UK's obesity epidemic?

Critics argue that it’s crazy to operate on healthy people just to stop them eating
Homeless Veterans appeal: Christmas charity auction Part 2 - now LIVE

Homeless Veterans appeal: Christmas charity auction

Bid on original art, or trips of a lifetime to Africa or the 'Corrie' set, and help Homeless Veterans
Pantomime rings the changes to welcome autistic theatre-goers

Autism-friendly theatre

Pantomime leads the pack in quest to welcome all
The week Hollywood got scared and had to grow up a bit

The week Hollywood got scared and had to grow up a bit

Sony suffered a chorus of disapproval after it withdrew 'The Interview', but it's not too late for it to take a stand, says Joan Smith
From Widow Twankey to Mother Goose, how do the men who play panto dames get themselves ready for the performance of a lifetime?

Panto dames: before and after

From Widow Twankey to Mother Goose, how do the men who play panto dames get themselves ready for the performance of a lifetime?
Thirties murder mystery novel is surprise runaway Christmas hit

Thirties murder mystery novel is surprise runaway Christmas hit

Booksellers say readers are turning away from dark modern thrillers and back to the golden age of crime writing
Anne-Marie Huby: 'Charities deserve the best,' says founder of JustGiving

Anne-Marie Huby: 'Charities deserve the best'

Ten million of us have used the JustGiving website to donate to good causes. Its co-founder says that being dynamic is as important as being kind
The botanist who hunts for giant trees at Kew Gardens

The man who hunts giants

A Kew Gardens botanist has found 25 new large tree species - and he's sure there are more out there
The 12 ways of Christmas: Spare a thought for those who will be working to keep others safe during the festive season

The 12 ways of Christmas

We speak to a dozen people who will be working to keep others safe, happy and healthy over the holidays
Birdwatching men have a lot in common with their feathered friends, new study shows

The male exhibits strange behaviour

A new study shows that birdwatching men have a lot in common with their feathered friends...
Diaries of Evelyn Waugh, Virginia Woolf and Noël Coward reveal how they coped with the December blues

Famous diaries: Christmas week in history

Noël Coward parties into the night, Alan Clark bemoans the cost of servants, Evelyn Waugh ponders his drinking…
From noble to narky, the fall of the open letter

From noble to narky, the fall of the open letter

The great tradition of St Paul and Zola reached its nadir with a hungry worker's rant to Russell Brand, says DJ Taylor
A Christmas ghost story by Alison Moore: A prodigal daughter has a breakthrough

A Christmas ghost story by Alison Moore

The story was published earlier this month in 'Poor Souls' Light: Seven Curious Tales'