Grateful as I am to the Tories for their superheroic efforts in saving my life from disgruntled strikers, I can't help worrying that they are over-stretching themselves. Mayor of London Boris Johnson has promised to save us from Tube strikes by building automatic trains that don't need drivers (they're driven by pixies who are paid in blond hairs which they will subsequently weave into fairy gold).
Meanwhile, David Cameron is making a new law to stop people striking at all. I will agree with Cameron's proposals – to ban unions from striking unless it has been voted for by more than half of their members – but on one condition: that he also bans governments that were not voted for by more than 50 per cent of the electorate. If the coalition doesn't like it, then I implore them to down tools and walk out in protest.
How refreshing to see high-street shops with the worst service being badly served in return by their customers. Retail sales for the Christmas period show that the winners and losers fall into two camps: those who benefited from our Christmas spirit, including Sainsbury's, John Lewis and House of Fraser; and the turkeys, such as Halfords, Currys and, joy of Christmassy joys, PC World.
I once waited 90 minutes to be served in Halfords while the staff squeezed their spots to noisy hip-hop and a supervisor glowered menacingly in a corner. (Of course, I should have left, but my insurers had given me a Halfords voucher in place of my poor, stolen bike. If I ever catch the scumbags who took it I'll sentence them to a year's wait at the Catford branch.) Six months after snapping the handle off my washing-machine door, I still crowbar it open with a kitchen knife rather than brave Currys for a new one. But it is PC World that really wears the customer-abuse crown. Staff at its Customer Not-If-I-Can-Help-It Desk would rather stick pins in their eyes than sell you a PC. Well, I'd rather go internetless than give them my custom. Happy New Year to them, and good luck.