Katy Guest: Sorry about the naff gift, Dad, but it's all your own fault

What you like is jokes, a sit down, and sausages for tea

Share
Related Topics

I'd like to apologise to dads everywhere for the really rubbish Father's Day presents they're receiving today.

I'm sorry for the personalised golf tees, the amusing signs and pictures relating to sheds, and I'm really sorry for the hastily put-together calendars made out of photos of your snotty children that you will now have to look at for the rest of the year. I know, I know, that words cannot make up for an ugly coffee mug with "world's best dad" on it. Let's face it, you're not a New Labour prime minister and you will never have to show the world your cuddly side by publicly and daily using a load of old tat that your kids got you. And I don't know how to explain how anyone would think you'd like a comedy "gone fishing" sign when the only time you ever caught a fish it was the family goldfish out of the mouth of the family cat. Sorry.

At the same time, though, dads, you do have to take some responsibility for all the rubbish that people feel compelled to buy you. There are certain times of year when buying is obligatory, and somehow today has become one of them. You may be a dad, and therefore a superhero, but even you can't change this fact.

But what do you buy the man who wants nothing? I don't mean wants for nothing. You just really don't want anything, do you? Mothers appreciate Stuff such as glassware, matching handwash and fancy types of gin; but you think that all Stuff is basically cushions, and serves no purpose except to get in the way. Like Rumpole of the Bailey, you don't see the need for all this Vim.

Essentially, what you like is jokes, a sit down, and sausage and beans every day for tea. But these things are not special Father's Day things, so instead you'll get a self-stirring coffee mug, a giant wall poster reading, "Keep Calm and ... something", or a biscuit in the shape of a beer mug, with a picture of beer iced on it along with the legend: "Thanks to a great dad".

I know that you don't eat biscuits, and that you'd prefer a real beer, but if we tried to buy you a pint you'd only feel emasculated and sneak a fiver back into our pocket later. That's because, in your heads, we are still only six, and you don't give us enough pocket money to get rounds in. Admit it, dads, this is the truth.

Dads in the IoS office say that what they really want for Father's Day is just for a little while to be left alone. But giving you the gift of time without us does seem a little like we don't want to see you.

Essentially, you leave us with no alternative: naff gifts are the only way we have of showing you we love you. So, sorry, dads – and enjoy wearing this "Best BBQer!" baseball cap for the rest of the summer.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Marketing & PR Assistant - NW London

£15 - £17 per hour: Ashdown Group: Marketing & PR Assistant - Kentish Town are...

Senior Network Integration/Test Engineer

£250 - £300 per day: Orgtel: Senior Network Integration/Test Engineer Berkshir...

Software Developer - Newcastle - £30,000 - £37,000 + benefits

£30000 - £37000 per annum + attractive benefits: Ashdown Group: .NET Developer...

Trainee Recruitment Consultant

£20000 - £25000 per annum + OTE £40,000: SThree: SThree Group have been well e...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

The truth about kids on holiday

Rosie Millard
 

August catch-up: Waiting on the telephone, tribute to Norm and my Desert Island Discs

John Rentoul
Middle East crisis: We know all too much about the cruelty of Isis – but all too little about who they are

We know all too much about the cruelty of Isis – but all too little about who they are

Now Obama has seen the next US reporter to be threatened with beheading, will he blink, asks Robert Fisk
Neanderthals lived alongside humans for centuries, latest study shows

Final resting place of our Neanderthal neighbours revealed

Bones dated to 40,000 years ago show species may have died out in Belgium species co-existed
Scottish independence: The new Scots who hold fate of the UK in their hands

The new Scots who hold fate of the UK in their hands

Scotland’s immigrants are as passionate about the future of their adopted nation as anyone else
Britain's ugliest buildings: Which monstrosities should be nominated for the Dead Prize?

Blight club: Britain's ugliest buildings

Following the architect Cameron Sinclair's introduction of the Dead Prize, an award for ugly buildings, John Rentoul reflects on some of the biggest blots on the UK landscape
eBay's enduring appeal: Online auction site is still the UK's most popular e-commerce retailer

eBay's enduring appeal

The online auction site is still the UK's most popular e-commerce site
Culture Minister Ed Vaizey: ‘lack of ethnic minority and black faces on TV is weird’

'Lack of ethnic minority and black faces on TV is weird'

Culture Minister Ed Vaizey calls for immediate action to address the problem
Artist Olafur Eliasson's latest large-scale works are inspired by the paintings of JMW Turner

Magic circles: Artist Olafur Eliasson

Eliasson's works will go alongside a new exhibition of JMW Turner at Tate Britain. He tells Jay Merrick why the paintings of his hero are ripe for reinvention
Josephine Dickinson: 'A cochlear implant helped me to discover a new world of sound'

Josephine Dickinson: 'How I discovered a new world of sound'

After going deaf as a child, musician and poet Josephine Dickinson made do with a hearing aid for five decades. Then she had a cochlear implant - and everything changed
Greggs Google fail: Was the bakery's response to its logo mishap a stroke of marketing genius?

Greggs gives lesson in crisis management

After a mishap with their logo, high street staple Greggs went viral this week. But, as Simon Usborne discovers, their social media response was anything but half baked
Matthew McConaughey has been singing the praises of bumbags (shame he doesn't know how to wear one)

Matthew McConaughey sings the praises of bumbags

Shame he doesn't know how to wear one. Harriet Walker explains the dos and don'ts of fanny packs
7 best quadcopters and drones

Flying fun: 7 best quadcopters and drones

From state of the art devices with stabilised cameras to mini gadgets that can soar around the home, we take some flying objects for a spin
Joey Barton: ‘I’ve been guilty of getting a bit irate’

Joey Barton: ‘I’ve been guilty of getting a bit irate’

The midfielder returned to the Premier League after two years last weekend. The controversial character had much to discuss after his first game back
Andy Murray: I quit while I’m ahead too often

Andy Murray: I quit while I’m ahead too often

British No 1 knows his consistency as well as his fitness needs working on as he prepares for the US Open after a ‘very, very up and down’ year
Ferguson: In the heartlands of America, a descent into madness

A descent into madness in America's heartlands

David Usborne arrived in Ferguson, Missouri to be greeted by a scene more redolent of Gaza and Afghanistan
BBC’s filming of raid at Sir Cliff’s home ‘may be result of corruption’

BBC faces corruption allegation over its Sir Cliff police raid coverage

Reporter’s relationship with police under scrutiny as DG is summoned by MPs to explain extensive live broadcast of swoop on singer’s home