Let's be honest: we all love a good flood

Share

There's a whole load of free fireworks knocking around in Primrose Hill, if you're interested, Camden Council having cancelled "Fireworks 2000", due to "localised flooding". And not just localised flooding, either, but also on health and safety grounds; furthermore, the event won't be rescheduled.

There's a whole load of free fireworks knocking around in Primrose Hill, if you're interested, Camden Council having cancelled "Fireworks 2000", due to "localised flooding". And not just localised flooding, either, but also on health and safety grounds; furthermore, the event won't be rescheduled.

This sounds like hokum to me. Primrose Hill being, by definition, a hill and therefore high up, I don't see how "localised flooding" comes into it. No, I think what really happened is, somebody just forgot to buy the fireworks.

I picture a couple of council employees sitting in an office somewhere. The junior assistant returns, exhausted, having trudged all over the Primrose Hill area, hunting for kindling. "So, where have you put the bangers and the sparklers?" asks the senior man. Blank look from junior. "I thought you were doing the fireworks?" Consternation. "Thank God for localised flooding," says the senior man. "Quick. Get down the art shop. Big sheet of white card, magic marker, I can feel a notice coming on."

And what's all this about "not rescheduling"? Am I expected to believe that the kindly councillors of Camden would break the hearts of all those Camden children by cancelling their magnificent display, then not putting it on when the weather improves? And what are they doing with all the fireworks? Are they to be stuffed into a shed somewhere, waiting for 5 November next year, or the actual Millennium, or a royal birth?

Or, chillingly, does Camden Council know something that we don't? Are we never to see a Bonfire Night ever again? Are we, in fact, looking at a Noah situation?

If so, hooray. A flood of biblical proportions would suit us fine. There is nothing the people of this country enjoy more than moaning about the weather. Unless, of course, it's moaning about the railways. Well now, look at the wonderful times in which we live. I bet your average commuter can't wait to get down to the station early and do some serious whining, while treading water.

And there's no exclusivity in the Blair Britain of today, you'll notice. Motorists are getting their share of serious subjects to bang on about, too. Have you any idea what the fuel crisis has done for the conversational skills of the average London cabby? These people are having the best days of their lives.

Of course, the situation is different in the rural community. Very different, and not funny either, having John Prescott standing in your back garden in his flash new waterproofs. It's all very well him calling for "the insurance industry to respond more quickly to the crisis". The statement might have been more impressive if he'd made it earlier, rather than when halfway up to his neck in the problem.

And why has Mr Blair cancelled a visit to Moscow to "survey the flood damage himself"? Doesn't he know what a big lot of water looks like? What does he intend to do? Go from house to house with a bucket? No. The answer is obvious. Like Mr Prescott, he just wants to put on some wellies, splash about and have a good time. Plus, he's always looked good in Gannex.

Me, I think it's an evolutionary thing. We left the sea and walked on to the land. It's obviously time for us to think about going back there. What we need to do is forget about the railways, open the canals, go to work by barge and have gill operations on the NHS.

In the meantime, floods are fun. Ask any child, what with school cancelled and having to sit on the roof till the fire brigade comes by in a boat. This is the life.

Not such fun for estate agents, though. Watch the price of those picturesque cottages adjoining a babbling brook plummet now. On the other hand, rubber dinghies and snorkels will rocket in value, so it's true what they say. Every cloud does have a silver lining.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Sales Executive - OTE £30,000+

£16000 - £30000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: They are looking for individual...

Recruitment Genius: IT Project Coordinator / Manager

£25000 - £40000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Project Coordinator is requir...

Recruitment Genius: Mortgage Advisor - OTE £95,000

£40000 - £95000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an exciting opportunity...

Recruitment Genius: Trainee Vehicle Inspectors / Purchasers

£20000 - £40000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Trainee Vehicle Inspectors / Pu...

Day In a Page

Read Next
The possibility of Corbyn winning has excited some Conservatives  

Labour leadership: The choice at the heart of the leadership campaign

Jeremy Corbyn
Pablo Iglesias, the leader of Spain’s anti-austerity party Podemos  

Greece debt crisis: Trouble is, if you help the Greeks, everyone will want the same favours

Charlotte McDonald-Gibson Charlotte McDonald-Gibson
Greece debt crisis: EU 'family' needs to forgive rather than punish an impoverished state

EU 'family' needs to forgive rather than punish an impoverished state

An outbreak of malaria in Greece four years ago helps us understand the crisis, says Robert Fisk
Gaza, a year on from Operation Protective Edge: The traumatised kibbutz on Israel's front line, still recovering from last summer's war with Hamas

Gaza, a year on from Operation Protective Edge

The traumatised kibbutz on Israel's front line, still recovering from last summer's war with Hamas
How to survive electrical storms: What are the chances of being hit by lightning?

Heavy weather

What are the chances of being hit by lightning?
World Bodypainting Festival 2015: Bizarre and brilliant photos celebrate 'the body as art'

World Bodypainting Festival 2015

Bizarre and brilliant photos celebrate 'the body as art'
alt-j: A private jet, a Mercury Prize and Latitude headliners

Don't call us nerds

Craig Mclean meets alt-j - the math-folk act who are flying high
How to find gold: The Californian badlands, digging out crevasses and sifting sludge

How to find gold

Steve Boggan finds himself in the Californian badlands, digging out crevasses and sifting sludge
Singing accents: From Herman's Hermits and David Bowie to Alesha Dixon

Not born in the USA

Lay off Alesha Dixon: songs sound better in US accents, even our national anthem
10 best balsamic vinegars

10 best balsamic vinegars

Drizzle it over salad, enjoy it with ciabatta, marinate vegetables, or use it to add depth to a sauce - this versatile staple is a cook's best friend
Wimbledon 2015: Brief glimpses of the old Venus but Williams sisters' epic wars belong to history

Brief glimpses of the old Venus but Williams sisters' epic wars belong to history

Serena dispatched her elder sister 6-4, 6-3 in eight minutes more than an hour
Greece says 'No': A night of huge celebrations in Athens as voters decisively back Tsipras and his anti-austerity stance in historic referendum

Greece referendum

Greeks say 'No' to austerity and plunge Europe into crisis
Ten years after the 7/7 terror attacks, is Britain an altered state?

7/7 bombings anniversary

Ten years after the terror attacks, is Britain an altered state?
Beautiful evening dresses are some of the loveliest Donatella has created

Versace haute couture review

Beautiful evening dresses are some of the loveliest Donatella has ever created
No hope and no jobs, so Gaza's young risk their lives, climb the fence and run for it

No hope and no jobs in Gaza

So the young risk their lives and run for it
Fashion apps: Retailers roll together shopping and social networking for mobile customers

Fashion apps

Retailers roll together shopping and social networking for mobile customers
The Greek referendum exposes a gaping hole at the heart of the European Union – its distinct lack of any genuine popular legitimacy

Gaping hole at the heart of the European Union

Treatment of Greece has shown up a lack of genuine legitimacy