Letter from Simon Kelner

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The Independent Online

Any morning now, we're going to wake up to the following news story: "The phone-hacking scandal has claimed its highest-profile victim yet with the shock news that God has decided to resign."

"In a televised statement, God said that after hundreds, if not thousands, of years in which his integrity has not been questioned, the latest revelations have made it impossible for Him to continue His work without the distraction of being dragged into the ongoing investigation. If Rupert Murdoch is ultimately responsible for the hacking scandal, said God, then someone has to take responsibility for Mr Murdoch, and that has to be me. I have always known that the buck stops here. Sources close to God say that He was particularly upset that the town of Chipping Norton (people who live there regard Oxfordshire as "God's own county") has been dragged into the scandal. He has always been rather partial to "Chippy", as He calls it, and regards it as a model for the English market town rather than as a byword for scandal, privilege and entitlement. I take responsibility, He added, for creating a landscape so alluring, yet so close to both London and Daylesford Organics, that it was inevitably going to be attractive to media types who have nothing more on their minds than a little light networking over the weekend. Visibly moved during his resignation address, God said that, having withstood the adverse publicity of wars, famines, floods and earthquakes, He found it baffling that a scandal which hadn't caused death and destruction, and in which nobody was rendered homeless, should bring about His downfall. His friends claim that He feels let down by his public relations advisers. One said that He is particularly angry that the Archbishop of Canterbury has been absent from the airwaves, given his usual readiness to comment on any subject in the news. God concluded His address by pointing to some of His recent achievements - like the victory for goodness on The Apprentice, and the 93rd birthday of Nelson Mandela - and simply added that He wished His successor well..." And now back to John Humphrys, who's interviewing Theresa May.

Simon Kelner is Editor-in-Chief of The Independent, The Independent on Sunday and i

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