Mark Steel: Not all their careers will end in failure

Share
Related Topics

It looks like the next stage of the New Labour project is for the leaders to become proper celebrities. Mandelson's doing well so far, with his advert for The Times being impressively putrid, in which he publicises the serialisation of his book by sitting in a camp Gothic pose purring "I am the Prince of Darkness". But it fails in one respect, that the reason he's called the Prince of Darkness isn't because he played Dracula in a film or always wore a cloak, it's because he really is the Prince of bloody Darkness. It's like the difference between one of the Chuckle Brothers doing an advert where he says: "I'm a nutcase I am", and one in which a similar line was said by Raoul Moat.

In some ways Mandelson's advert is even creepier, as he adopts the posture of a girl on one of those soft porn channels, and you expect him to take off his shirt, run a finger slowly down his chest and sigh: "Hello. I like to spin things. Have you get anything you'd like me to, hmmm, spin?"

But Alastair Campbell was ahead of him, the publication of his book propelling him on to game shows and panel shows, where he joined in with scripted gags about false documents like he was a proper celebrity. If he's asked by any other inquiry whether he has any regrets about supporting the war in Iraq he'll say: "Certainly not. For if I hadn't played such a prominent role I'd never have been invited on to Celebrity Come Dine With Me." Then he'll issue a 12-inch club mix dance version of his denial of a sexed-up dossier, and appear on GMTV to reveal how he kept his skin so soft after David Kelly's suicide.

Maybe it's part of the plan for Brown to keep a low profile for a while, as this will make it all the more dramatic when they all get together with Blair for the comeback tour, which will close each night with them doing Blair's speech for Diana as a four-part harmony.

It's almost as if to be truly famous was what they really wanted all along, and all that stuff about New Britain for the many, not the few, was only a means to that end. So they're political versions of Kerry Katona, who probably doesn't think to herself: "I'm so glad I did those adverts, because although I hate publicity, it's so satisfying to know I've informed the public about frozen pizza."

And now they hope they can earn a reputation as being good sports, being able to laugh at themselves, just as Chris Waddle can take a joke about missing penalties, so they don't mind being ribbed about matters such as lying to get a war up and running.

It's lucky we didn't have a similar culture in 1945, otherwise Goebbels would have whispered to Hitler in the bunker: "Don't do yourself in you fool, give all this a few weeks to blow over and re-invent yourself." Before long he'd have been on Strictly Come Dancing, with newspapers declaring: "From goose-step to two-step", and judges saying: "Darling, you glided across that floor. You may have had only ein volk and ein reich but tonight Adolf, love, for the paso doble you've scored acht mein Herr, a glorious eight." Then he'd be on The Weakest Link: Dictator Special, with Anne quipping: "So – who needs a few less torture cells and a few more brain cells?" And Eva could confide in Heat magazine how the defeat in Russia almost made her bulimic, but the Himmlers were always there for her and helped her through her journey.

Maybe the current government have already got their eye on future careers, and they're working out a character to adopt, like wrestlers. So Danny Alexander will start arriving at Cabinet meetings in a mask he refuses to take off, and Liam Fox will dress as a Cherokee called "Mighty Big Society".

But this is one way the BBC could provide the public service role it's desperate to fulfil, by agreeing to allow the ex-Labour leaders on their shows in their jocular celebrity form, but only if a caption in huge letters appears over the top saying "Remember: these people might look like chirpy little urchins but in the real world they are truly, truly reprehensibly truly foul."

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Sales Support / IT Sales / Graduate Sales / Trainee

£20000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: An opportunity has now arisen for a Sale...

Recruitment Genius: Administration Manager

£25000 - £30000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Due to continued growth an exce...

Recruitment Genius: Service Manager

£37000 - £40000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A position has become available...

Recruitment Genius: Administrator

£18000 - £20000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This company has a track record...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Craig Oliver, David Cameron’s Director of Communications  

i Editor's Letter: Poultry excuses from chicken spin doctors

Oliver Duff Oliver Duff
Women come back from the fields to sell vegetables at a market in Bangui, Central African Republic  

International Women's Day: Africa's women need to believe in themselves and start leading the way

Sylvia Bongo Ondimba
Homeless Veterans campaign: Donations hit record-breaking £1m target after £300,000 gift from Lloyds Bank

Homeless Veterans campaign

Donations hit record-breaking £1m target after huge gift from Lloyds Bank
Flight MH370 a year on: Lost without a trace – but the search goes on

Lost without a trace

But, a year on, the search continues for Flight MH370
Germany's spymasters left red-faced after thieves break into brand new secret service HQ and steal taps

Germany's spy HQ springs a leak

Thieves break into new €1.5bn complex... to steal taps
International Women's Day 2015: Celebrating the whirlwind wit of Simone de Beauvoir

Whirlwind wit of Simone de Beauvoir

Simone de Beauvoir's seminal feminist polemic, 'The Second Sex', has been published in short-form for International Women's Day
Mark Zuckerberg’s hiring policy might suit him – but it wouldn’t work for me

Mark Zuckerberg’s hiring policy might suit him – but it wouldn’t work for me

Why would I want to employ someone I’d be happy to have as my boss, asks Simon Kelner
Confessions of a planespotter: With three Britons under arrest in the UAE, the perils have never been more apparent

Confessions of a planespotter

With three Britons under arrest in the UAE, the perils have never been more apparent. Sam Masters explains the appeal
Russia's gulag museum 'makes no mention' of Stalin's atrocities

Russia's gulag museum

Ministry of Culture-run site 'makes no mention' of Stalin's atrocities
The big fresh food con: Alarming truth behind the chocolate muffin that won't decay

The big fresh food con

Joanna Blythman reveals the alarming truth behind the chocolate muffin that won't decay
Virginia Ironside was my landlady: What is it like to live with an agony aunt on call 24/7?

Virginia Ironside was my landlady

Tim Willis reveals what it's like to live with an agony aunt on call 24/7
Paris Fashion Week 2015: The wit and wisdom of Manish Arora's exercise in high camp

Paris Fashion Week 2015

The wit and wisdom of Manish Arora's exercise in high camp
8 best workout DVDs

8 best workout DVDs

If your 'New Year new you' regime hasn’t lasted beyond February, why not try working out from home?
Paul Scholes column: I don't believe Jonny Evans was spitting at Papiss Cissé. It was a reflex. But what the Newcastle striker did next was horrible

Paul Scholes column

I don't believe Evans was spitting at Cissé. It was a reflex. But what the Newcastle striker did next was horrible
Miguel Layun interview: From the Azteca to Vicarage Road with a million followers

From the Azteca to Vicarage Road with a million followers

Miguel Layun is a star in Mexico where he was criticised for leaving to join Watford. But he says he sees the bigger picture
Frank Warren column: Amir Khan ready to meet winner of Floyd Mayweather v Manny Pacquiao

Khan ready to meet winner of Mayweather v Pacquiao

The Bolton fighter is unlikely to take on Kell Brook with two superstar opponents on the horizon, says Frank Warren
War with Isis: Iraq's government fights to win back Tikrit from militants - but then what?

Baghdad fights to win back Tikrit from Isis – but then what?

Patrick Cockburn reports from Kirkuk on a conflict which sectarianism has made intractable