My Fabulous Life: Now's the time to stand by your man

Click to follow
The Independent Online

What a glorious week all round! A glorious week for the weather - I used to be TV-am's weather girl, as you know, and still have a great fondness for weather - and a glorious week for British justice. First Tony Martin, who did nothing more than protect his property in the manner of any right-minded householder. I, too, would shoot a 16-year-old intruder, particularly if he had ignored the notice at both our back and front doors, REMOVE SHOES NOW!, and was leaving muddy footprints everywhere. Once, Keithleen tramped dirt all over the house and although sweet old Keith tried to plead mitigating circumstances on her behalf - "It's not as if she can even read yet, Den" - a lesson had to be learnt. No, I did not shoot her, but I did give her a little slap to the back of her little legs with my fully restored French peasant loom (circa 1768).

Actually, I think it hurt me more than it did her, although I wasn't the one who had to be rushed to casualty and stay in for several weeks, obviously. However, she has never trodden mud through the house since which, I admit, may have something to do with the fact that she's now wheelchair-bound, but it was still a lesson well learnt. Naturally, I have upholstered the wheelchair in Burberry, to match the eye-patch, and, even if I say so myself, the look has come together in a most satisfactory way.

So, first Tony Martin, and then John Leslie who, disgracefully late in the day, was cleared of all sex allegations. How relieved he must feel. No, I have never had sex allegations against me but, when I was growing up, I did have sheets from Brentford Nylons against me. Poor, poor mummy. Always had cheap taste and thought it would save on the ironing. But I do feel that once you have felt nylon sheets against you, you can understand what it feels like to have sexual allegations against you: horribly uncomfortable, particularly in the early hours, when sleep will not come and you toss and turn and sweat and plot revenge against the person who did this to you. Don't be silly! I never did actually take revenge on Mummy who, as you know, loves living in the sort of home that has bars on the windows and only gives you plastic spoons. Saves on the washing-up!

Certainly, I have loyally stood by John ever since the allegations were dropped and he emerged without a "stain" on his character. This is good, as a stain on your character can be a tiresome thing, particularly if your character is specialist dry-clean only. I have since had Bettina dash off a quick, handwritten note to tell him of my support: "Dear John, I am so pleased this is all over for you. Yes, I know that some people will say there is no smoke without fire, but this is patently untrue. Indeed, as former Top of the Pops presenters, we both know only too well how there can be lots of smoke without fire. Kate Bush, for example, had a lot of smoke but no fire, if I recall rightly. Others say there will always be a question mark over your head. I don't know who will put it there, but they'll have to be very tall.

"I have always found you to be the perfect gentleman, particularly when I appeared on Blue Peter to boost the appeal for very poor black children who said they weren't getting enough to eat, but had huge sticking-out bellies. Someone was pulling the wool over someone's eyes there, John! But you were kind enough not to say anything. Also, you were kind enough to let your hand linger on my breast for several hours (in private) after you pinned on my badge. This was a lovely gesture, much appreciated, even though Anthea later tried to ruin it for me: 'For God's sake, Den, he does it to everyone. Even Bonnie.' Keith said I shouldn't worry. 'Bonnie's a real bitch, Den,' he said, and I do think he rather got it in one. Indeed, I've never since met anyone willing to say that Bonnie isn't a bitch. I don't know how she's done it, but Bonnie has certainly made a lot of enemies over the years.

"Anyway, John, I'm sorry you lost your job on This Morning but, on a brighter note, Fern didn't exactly leave you huge amounts of room on the sofa. Also, I'm sorry I didn't come forward to support you sooner, but you know how it is when you have your own TV career to think of. Please feel free to contact me any time so long as it's not before 8am or after 8.03am because, as a busy working supermum, one does have to set aside a certain amount of 'me' time. Warmest regards, Denisella Brown.

PS: Keep positive and, in time, the wounds will heal. If not, try organic farm-fresh arnica compresses."

The wheels on the chair go round and round...

Now, on to that glorious weather we're having at the moment, but remember: harmful UV rays are the number one cause of premature ageing, which makes you look older than you really are. Always - always! - use an SPF of at least 722 coupled with a free-range topical vitamin C preparation combined with freshly squeezed vitamin E milk, as available from DenisellaFreshly-MilkedFaceVitamins.com.

For those shortly flying off on holiday, and worried about how they are going to look in a bikini, might I also suggest they order my bestseller, Cellulite, My Arse. This was published to great critical acclaim, and would have even won a rave review in The Spectator had it featured just a little more right-wing military history and many more references to Churchill...

CLUNK, CRASH. Oh dear, I think that must be Keithleen trying to come in. Of course, the sign at both our back and front doors now reads REMOVE SHOES NOW! OR WHEELS, IF APPROPRIATE. And the poor thing has yet to perfect getting the wheels off without tipping herself out of the chair. Still, at least they know her by name in casualty now, and would give her sweets if I allowed it.

Denisella@independent.co.uk

Comments