Natalie Haynes: A little bit less of everything, and you need never worry about your weight

Share

The Government's new obesity strategy was dismissed yesterday by experts as "deeply disappointing and utterly inadequate", and "stupid and pathetic".

No wonder, since it seems to boil down to this: eat less. Which may be a good idea for an individual, but isn't much of a national strategy. So, to help you win the war on obesity, here are some other things you should do less of:

1 Obey the law less, or at least appear to do so. Have you ever wondered how many calories Richard Hannay burns in The 39 Steps? He's on the run the whole time. It's very slimming. And he saves the nation's secrets at the end.

2 Be less Western. There are far fewer fat Chinese people than fat Europeans. Go East, and feel the pounds drop off.

3 Be less awake. When you're sleeping, you're not eating. I realise it is small comfort to insomniacs to find out that the snoring multitudes are also skinnier. But that's just how the Big Society works, I'm afraid: you take responsibility for your sleeplessness and attendant hunger.

4 Watch less TV. Those leg things you have are actually a means of moving you about. They're not just a stand-in table for snacks. Try walking to the cinema and watching something on the big screen. Don't buy nachos on the way in.

5 Be less on the earth. The moon's gravitational force is a paltry one-sixth of the earth's. Stand on the scales there and you will barely weigh an ounce. Your BMI will be a thing of wonder.

6 Be less fastidious. Every time you empty out your pockets or your handbag, you're reducing the weight you carry around with you. That is the same as moving to smaller weights at the gym. So keep carrying all those receipts and pens and tissues and books. It all adds up.

7 Be less friendly with thin people. Hang out more with fat people. Will you be objectively thinner? No. Will you be relatively thinner? Yes.

8 Be less in a hurry. Every time you get a taxi because you're late, you're depriving yourself of the exercise of a good walk. Also, make time to chew food properly. Especially toffee.

9 Be less brave. Coulrophobia (fear of clowns) will keep you away from McDonald's. Pogonophobia (fear of beards) will make you avoid Colonel Sanders. Claustrophobia will make you eschew the lift and take the stairs.

10 Just be less, in general. You'll definitely weigh less then.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Software Developer (Java /C# Programmer)- London

£30000 - £45000 per annum: Harrington Starr: A global investment management fi...

Senior Network Engineer-(CCIE, CCNP, Cisco, London)

£65000 - £75000 per annum: Harrington Starr: Senior Network Engineer-(CCIE, CC...

Senior Network Analyst - (CCIE, Cisco, CISSP)

£70000 - £80000 per annum: Harrington Starr: Senior Network Analyst - (CCIE, C...

Senior Network Engineer-(Design, Implementation, CCIE)

£60000 - £80000 per annum: Harrington Starr: Senior Network Engineer-(Design, ...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Letters: The West flounders in the Middle East morass

Independent Voices
David Tennant as Hamlet  

To vote no or not to vote no, that is the question... Although do celebrities really have the answer?

David Lister
All this talk of an ‘apocalyptic’ threat is simply childish

Robert Fisk: All this talk of an ‘apocalyptic’ threat is simply childish

Chuck Hagel and Martin Dempsey were pure Hollywood. They only needed Tom Cruise
Mafia Dons: is the Camorra in control of the Granite City?

Mafia Dons: is the Camorra in control of the Granite City?

So claims an EU report which points to the Italian Mob’s alleged grip on everything from public works to property
Emmys look set to overhaul the Oscars as Hollywood’s prize draw

Emmys look set to overhaul the Oscars as Hollywood’s prize draw

Once the poor relation, the awards show now has the top stars and boasts the best drama
What happens to African migrants once they land in Italy during the summer?

What happens to migrants once they land in Italy?

Memphis Barker follows their trail through southern Europe
French connection: After 1,300 years, there’s a bridge to Mont Saint-Michel

French connection: After 1,300 years, there’s a bridge to Mont Saint-Michel

The ugly causeway is being dismantled, an elegant connection erected in its place. So everyone’s happy, right?
Frank Mugisha: Uganda's most outspoken gay rights activist on changing people's attitudes, coming out, and the threat of being attacked

Frank Mugisha: 'Coming out was a gradual process '

Uganda's most outspoken gay rights activist on changing people's attitudes, coming out, and the threat of being attacked
Radio 1 to hire 'YouTube-famous' vloggers to broadcast online

Radio 1’s new top ten

The ‘vloggers’ signed up to find twentysomething audience
David Abraham: Big ideas for the small screen

David Abraham: Big ideas for the small screen

A blistering attack on US influence on British television has lifted the savvy head of Channel 4 out of the shadows
Florence Knight's perfect picnic: Make the most of summer's last Bank Holiday weekend

Florence Knight's perfect picnic

Polpetto's head chef shares her favourite recipes from Iced Earl Grey tea to baked peaches, mascarpone & brown sugar meringues...
Horst P Horst: The fashion photography genius who inspired Madonna comes to the V&A

Horst P Horst comes to the V&A

The London's museum has delved into its archives to stage a far-reaching retrospective celebrating the photographer's six decades of creativity
Mark Hix recipes: Try our chef's summery soups for a real seasonal refresher

Mark Hix's summery soups

Soup isn’t just about comforting broths and steaming hot bowls...
Tim Sherwood column: 'It started as a three-horse race but turned into the Grand National'

Tim Sherwood column

I would have taken the Crystal Palace job if I’d been offered it soon after my interview... but the whole process dragged on so I had to pull out
Eden Hazard: Young, gifted... not yet perfect

Eden Hazard: Young, gifted... not yet perfect

Eden Hazard admits he is still below the level of Ronaldo and Messi but, after a breakthrough season, is ready to thrill Chelsea’s fans
Tim Howard: I’m an old dog. I don’t get too excited

Tim Howard: I’m an old dog. I don’t get too excited

The Everton and US goalkeeper was such a star at the World Cup that the President phoned to congratulate him... not that he knows what the fuss is all about
Match of the Day at 50: Show reminds us that even the most revered BBC institution may have a finite lifespan – thanks to the opposition

Tom Peck on Match of the Day at 50

The show reminds us that even the most revered BBC institution may have a finite lifespan – thanks to the opposition