Rhodri Marsden: Hot weather demands skills of me that I simply don't possess

Men scrub up far worse than women, and summer makes this more stark

Share
Related Topics

I don't cope particularly well with this kind of weather. I should add that I'm writing this when it's still hot and sunny, so if by Tuesday we're back to extended periods of light drizzle, please disregard the rest of this column and skip to the arts section. But at the moment I'm all about hiding in dark corners, wincing when I move more than 3cm in any direction, plotting a sequence of night-time pillow temperatures on a bar chart (two days ago it was the hottest pillow since records began) and wailing things like, "When will this relentless, searing heat of around 23C ever end?"

Summer demands skills of me that I simply don't possess. I'm baffled as to how anyone can walk around in flip-flops. When I put a pair on and exceed a speed of about 1.5mph I either fall over or lose a flip-flop, and if it starts to rain I immediately aquaplane into the path of an oncoming juggernaut. You could make safer footwear out of ball bearings and razor blades. And obviously I look terrible; when I leave the house wearing shorts I tend to glance around nervously as if I'm going to be picked off by a sniper.

I'm not alone in this regard, of course. I mean, men generally scrub up far worse than women, but summer makes this contrast even more stark. Women don wispy dresses that make them look as if they've effortlessly sailed through the audition for a Flake advert; men dress like freakishly outsized toddlers while hugging a 24-pack of lager.

Summer is – at least in theory – a time when love blossoms, and yet this mismatch between female elegance and male hideousness condemns love to be postponed until at least September, possibly October. In the supermarket the other day I saw a group of high-spirited men in garish summer outfits attempting to impress passing female shoppers with the use of sheer, unadulterated volume. Forced laughter is pretty unattractive at the best of times, but when it's a screechingly loud response to the observation that a cucumber looks like a willy, it's fearsomely repellent. No mobile numbers were exchanged in the supermarket; the men presumably went into a huddle in the car park to ponder how their strategy could possibly have failed. They should take my advice: go home, lie on the sofa and wait until autumn.

twitter.com/rhodri

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

1st Line Service Desk Analyst

£27000 - £30000 Per Annum: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd: Our client who are...

Recruitment Consultant - Bristol - Computer Futures - £18-25k

£18000 - £25000 per annum + Commission: SThree: Computer Futures are currently...

Trainee Recruitment Consultant - Real Staffing - Leeds - £18k+

£18000 - £27000 per annum + Commission: SThree: Sales - Trainee Recruitment Co...

Trainee Recruitment Consultant - Manchester - Progressive Rec.

£18000 - £23000 per annum + Commission: SThree: Progressive Recruitment are cu...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Women-only train carriages would be an insult to both sexes  

Women-only carriages would be an insult to both sexes

Katie Grant
Women-only carriages would be an insult to both sexes  

Women-only carriages would be an insult to both sexes

Katie Grant
Isis is an hour from Baghdad, the Iraq army has little chance against it, and air strikes won't help

Isis an hour away from Baghdad -

and with no sign of Iraq army being able to make a successful counter-attack
Turner Prize 2014 is frustratingly timid

Turner Prize 2014 is frustratingly timid

The exhibition nods to rich and potentially brilliant ideas, but steps back
Last chance to see: Half the world’s animals have disappeared over the last 40 years

Last chance to see...

The Earth’s animal wildlife population has halved in 40 years
So here's why teenagers are always grumpy - and it's not what you think

Truth behind teens' grumpiness

Early school hours mess with their biological clocks
Why can no one stop hackers putting celebrities' private photos online?

Hacked photos: the third wave

Why can no one stop hackers putting celebrities' private photos online?
Royal Ballet star dubbed 'Charlize Theron in pointe shoes' takes on Manon

Homegrown ballerina is on the rise

Royal Ballet star Melissa Hamilton is about to tackle the role of Manon
Education, eduction, education? Our growing fascination with what really goes on in school

Education, education, education

TV documentaries filmed in classrooms are now a genre in their own right
It’s reasonable to negotiate with the likes of Isis, so why don’t we do it and save lives?

It’s perfectly reasonable to negotiate with villains like Isis

So why don’t we do it and save some lives?
This man just ran a marathon in under 2 hours 3 minutes. Is a 2-hour race in sight?

Is a sub-2-hour race now within sight?

Dennis Kimetto breaks marathon record
We shall not be moved, say Stratford's single parents fighting eviction

Inside the E15 'occupation'

We shall not be moved, say Stratford single parents
Air strikes alone will fail to stop Isis

Air strikes alone will fail to stop Isis

Talks between all touched by the crisis in Syria and Iraq can achieve as much as the Tornadoes, says Patrick Cockburn
Nadhim Zahawi: From a refugee on welfare to the heart of No 10

Nadhim Zahawi: From a refugee on welfare to the heart of No 10

The Tory MP speaks for the first time about the devastating effect of his father's bankruptcy
Witches: A history of misogyny

Witches: A history of misogyny

The sexist abuse that haunts modern life is nothing new: women have been 'trolled' in art for 500 years
Shona Rhimes interview: Meet the most powerful woman in US television

Meet the most powerful woman in US television

Writer and producer of shows like Grey's Anatomy, Shonda Rhimes now has her own evening of primetime TV – but she’s taking it in her stride
'Before They Pass Away': Endangered communities photographed 'like Kate Moss'

Endangered communities photographed 'like Kate Moss'

Jimmy Nelson travelled the world to photograph 35 threatened tribes in an unashamedly glamorous style