Rhodri Marsden: Hot weather demands skills of me that I simply don't possess

Men scrub up far worse than women, and summer makes this more stark

Share
Related Topics

I don't cope particularly well with this kind of weather. I should add that I'm writing this when it's still hot and sunny, so if by Tuesday we're back to extended periods of light drizzle, please disregard the rest of this column and skip to the arts section. But at the moment I'm all about hiding in dark corners, wincing when I move more than 3cm in any direction, plotting a sequence of night-time pillow temperatures on a bar chart (two days ago it was the hottest pillow since records began) and wailing things like, "When will this relentless, searing heat of around 23C ever end?"

Summer demands skills of me that I simply don't possess. I'm baffled as to how anyone can walk around in flip-flops. When I put a pair on and exceed a speed of about 1.5mph I either fall over or lose a flip-flop, and if it starts to rain I immediately aquaplane into the path of an oncoming juggernaut. You could make safer footwear out of ball bearings and razor blades. And obviously I look terrible; when I leave the house wearing shorts I tend to glance around nervously as if I'm going to be picked off by a sniper.

I'm not alone in this regard, of course. I mean, men generally scrub up far worse than women, but summer makes this contrast even more stark. Women don wispy dresses that make them look as if they've effortlessly sailed through the audition for a Flake advert; men dress like freakishly outsized toddlers while hugging a 24-pack of lager.

Summer is – at least in theory – a time when love blossoms, and yet this mismatch between female elegance and male hideousness condemns love to be postponed until at least September, possibly October. In the supermarket the other day I saw a group of high-spirited men in garish summer outfits attempting to impress passing female shoppers with the use of sheer, unadulterated volume. Forced laughter is pretty unattractive at the best of times, but when it's a screechingly loud response to the observation that a cucumber looks like a willy, it's fearsomely repellent. No mobile numbers were exchanged in the supermarket; the men presumably went into a huddle in the car park to ponder how their strategy could possibly have failed. They should take my advice: go home, lie on the sofa and wait until autumn.

twitter.com/rhodri

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Learning Support Assistant

£65 - £70 per day: Randstad Education Cardiff: Due to the continual growth and...

Learning Support Assistant - Newport

£65 - £70 per day: Randstad Education Cardiff: Due to the continual growth and...

Operations Manager

competitive: Progressive Recruitment: I am currently recruiting for an Operati...

Project Coordinator/Order Entry, Security Cleared

£100 - £110 per day + competitive: Orgtel: Project Coordinator/Order Entry Ham...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Prime Minister David Cameron walks on stage to speak at The Confederation of British Industry (CBI) annual conference on November 4, 2013  

Does Cameron really believe in 'British Values'?

Temi Ogunye
The Lada became a symbol of Russia’s failure to keep up with Western economies  

Our sanctions will not cripple Russia. It is doing a lot of the dirty work itself

Hamish McRae
Save the tiger: The animals bred for bones on China’s tiger farms

The animals bred for bones on China’s tiger farms

The big cats kept in captivity to perform for paying audiences and then, when dead, their bodies used to fortify wine
A former custard factory, a Midlands bog and a Leeds cemetery all included in top 50 hidden spots in the UK

A former custard factory, a Midlands bog and a Leeds cemetery

Introducing the top 50 hidden spots in Britain
Ebola epidemic: Plagued by fear

Ebola epidemic: Plagued by fear

How a disease that has claimed fewer than 2,000 victims in its history has earned a place in the darkest corner of the public's imagination
Chris Pratt: From 'Parks and Recreation' to 'Guardians of the Galaxy'

From 'Parks and Recreation' to 'Guardians of the Galaxy'

He was homeless in Hawaii when he got his big break. Now the comic actor Chris Pratt is Hollywood's new favourite action star
How live cinema screenings can boost arts audiences

How live cinema screenings can boost arts audiences

Broadcasting plays and exhibitions to cinemas is a sure-fire box office smash
Shipping container hotels: Pop-up hotels filling a niche

Pop-up hotels filling a niche

Spending the night in a shipping container doesn't sound appealing, but these mobile crash pads are popping up at the summer's biggest events
Native American headdresses are not fashion accessories

Feather dust-up

A Canadian festival has banned Native American headwear. Haven't we been here before?
Boris Johnson's war on diesel

Boris Johnson's war on diesel

11m cars here run on diesel. It's seen as a greener alternative to unleaded petrol. So why is London's mayor on a crusade against the black pump?
5 best waterproof cameras

Splash and flash: 5 best waterproof cameras

Don't let water stop you taking snaps with one of these machines that will take you from the sand to meters deep
Louis van Gaal interview: Manchester United manager discusses tactics and rebuilding after the David Moyes era

Louis van Gaal interview

Manchester United manager discusses tactics and rebuilding after the David Moyes era
Will Gore: The goodwill shown by fans towards Alastair Cook will evaporate rapidly if India win the series

Will Gore: Outside Edge

The goodwill shown by fans towards Alastair Cook will evaporate rapidly if India win the series
The children were playing in the street with toy guns. The air strikes were tragically real

The air strikes were tragically real

The children were playing in the street with toy guns
Boozy, ignorant, intolerant, but very polite – The British, as others see us

Britain as others see us

Boozy, ignorant, intolerant, but very polite
How did our legends really begin?

How did our legends really begin?

Applying the theory of evolution to the world's many mythologies
Watch out: Lambrusco is back on the menu

Lambrusco is back on the menu

Naff Seventies corner-shop staple is this year's Aperol Spritz