Simon Carr: Furious rebels call for the resignation of their crazed dictator, Cleggafi

Sketch: Rebels denounced the leadership plans to sell off sacred sites for commercial development
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A crowd of pro-democracy demonstrators were herded in behind steel railings by thousands of armed, state-employed security thugs in Sheffield yesterday, as they made furious calls for the resignation of dictator Cleggafi, the adopted son of Britain's controversial premier.

The leader of this sect seized power after elections last year. Yesterday he faced anger for having abandoned the ancient teaching of the desert fathers – not to mention the desert mothers – by taking his co-believers into government after nearly a century in the wilderness.

Following his successful coup he seized control of the political assets of the state and turned them against powerless civilians, wiping out million of former allies and supporters in the process.

And here they were: the leader had summoned pilgrims to a conference deep in enemy territory to preach a revised gospel.

But rebel-held positions launched an offensive from the conference floor, denouncing the leadership plans to sell off sacred sites for commercial development. An overwhelming part of the delegates ordered their leadership to reverse Coalition plans for the health service.

A defeated leadership candidate Chris Huhne, bought off by a position in a low level of the sect's executive apparatus, provided air cover for the junta on broadcast media. "Our plans for the NHS were actually supported by conference," he claimed.

Mrs Shirley Williams responded in a little-known dialect: "Chris Huhne is a cockroach." The translator was later executed.

A group of actors and entertainers – including Colin Firth, Eddie Izzard and Helena Bonham Carter – unable to evacuate the area in time had been taken hostage and their names were paraded in front of the delegates in support of the new system of voting designed to keep the leader in power for a thousand years.

The leader, in a rambling speech described by opponents as "the deranged ravings of a madman crazed by months of absolute power" signalled the beginning of a purge of his party dissidents by repeatedly referring to the Liberal Democrats as "the Liberals".

Also, the name of elder Democrat David Owen was held up for ridicule, and associated with ancestral enemies such as the BNP and John Prescott.

Democrats present, sensing a hardening of the attitude in the junta, and fearing a programme of political cleansing, made calls to their families to assure themselves of their safety and began drifting away from the hall.