Simon Carr: I read the news today. Oh boy...

One happy, silly item is put in to balance 500 pieces of angst and anger

Share
Related Topics

The news is getting worse. It surely is. If you believed it all, you'd top yourself. You just couldn't keep your head up. But they keep at us. On and on. One piece of happy, silly news – in 25 years scientists say we'll all have enormous knockers – is put in to balance 500 pieces of angst, anger and unhappiness.

So here is a broad summary of what the papers say. It may also be the news. Paul Hogan is old. Simon Cowell has more money than you do. You are fatter than Lindsay Lohan. A married mother of 15 in a workless house has a benefits income higher than the one you work 48 hours a week for.

Celebrities are worthless trash but here's a picture of Angelina Jolie in a hat because it's cold. We're the sick man of Europe again. Our children won't ever find jobs unless our friends employ them. The country has debts that'll take a generation to clear and the public service unions are gearing up to "unleash hell" on a Tory government if there's any attempt to moderate their early retirements on index-linked pensions.

The Tories will intensify the recession with spending cuts and bankrupt the country; Labour will bankrupt the country by borrowing to fund its endless spending. When the effects of quantitative easing work through the system, five-pound notes will make inexpensive cigarette papers.

A fifth of children can't read or write and many leave school with no more than a Domestic Abuse Awareness certificate and a medal for Enjoying the Day. Everything causes cancer. Cures for cancer cause heart attacks. Alcohol causes paralysis, blindness and road chaos; drinkers will consume 600m units over Christmas. Ten-year-old children are alcoholics.

Transport police are being given hand-held devices that can be used to electrocute disruptive passengers. If they feel "intimidated" by you, they can hit you with 30,000 volts. A Brazilian girl talks back to the police and is thrown to the ground, handcuffed, arrested, carried away.

The Equalities Commission is riven with inequalities. There's a 14-week waiting list for appointments with a consultant, but you can have your pet dog treated for hypertension, or attention deficit disorder the same day.

A primary school teacher is sent to prison for tampering with exam results while a young man committing grievous bodily harm is let off with a police caution. Twenty thousand council officials have the right to enter your home to make sure "unregulated hypnotism" isn't taking place. They may be armed with the hand-held electrocuters so be careful to reassure them from feelings of intimidation.

Children die, people starve, the planet warms, diabetic amputations double in a decade, Britain teems with al-Qa'ida recruits, police retire on £100,000 and return to the force the same day. There is shambles, shame, panic, grief, anger, outrage, hurt, shock, a secret plan, hate crime, executions, stonings, honour killings, a tax bombshell for 4 million, criminal taunts, blizzard misery, charred underwear, and Jedward.

Is it us in the media? Is it them in the world? Is it the leaders or the followers? Is it Britain? Is it all of the above? Maybe things can only get better. But how?

simoncarr@sketch.sc

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Service Delivery Manager - Software Company

£40000 - £50000 per annum: Ashdown Group: Service Delivery Manager Kingston Up...

Year 3 Teacher

£90 - £120 per day: Randstad Education Hull: Year 3 Primary Teacher in HullA f...

Drama Teacher - Hull and Grimsby

Negotiable: Randstad Education Hull: The JobRandstad are currently in need of ...

Reception Teacher

£90 - £120 per day: Randstad Education Hull: Randstad Education is the UK mark...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Daily catch-up: Ed Miliband on low pay; Alan Johnson on Betjeman; Tom Freeman on editing

John Rentoul
A roller-coaster tale from the 'voice of a generation'

Not That Kind of Girl:

A roller-coaster tale from 'voice of a generation' Lena Dunham
London is not bedlam or a cradle of vice. In fact it, as much as anywhere, deserves independence

London is not bedlam or a cradle of vice

In fact it, as much as anywhere, deserves independence
Vivienne Westwood 'didn’t want' relationship with Malcolm McLaren

Vivienne Westwood 'didn’t want' relationship with McLaren

Designer 'felt pressured' into going out with Sex Pistols manager
Jourdan Dunn: Model mother

Model mother

Jordan Dunn became one of the best-paid models in the world
Apple still coolest brand – despite U2 PR disaster

Apple still the coolest brand

Despite PR disaster of free U2 album
Scottish referendum: The Yes vote was the love that dared speak its name, but it was not to be

Despite the result, this is the end of the status quo

Boyd Tonkin on the fall-out from the Scottish referendum
Manolo Blahnik: The high priest of heels talks flats, Englishness, and why he loves Mary Beard

Manolo Blahnik: Flats, Englishness, and Mary Beard

The shoe designer who has been dubbed 'the patron saint of the stiletto'
The Beatles biographer reveals exclusive original manuscripts of some of the best pop songs ever written

Scrambled eggs and LSD

Behind The Beatles' lyrics - thanks to Hunter Davis's original manuscript copies
'Normcore' fashion: Blending in is the new standing out in latest catwalk non-trend

'Normcore': Blending in is the new standing out

Just when fashion was in grave danger of running out of trends, it only went and invented the non-trend. Rebecca Gonsalves investigates
Dance’s new leading ladies fight back: How female vocalists are now writing their own hits

New leading ladies of dance fight back

How female vocalists are now writing their own hits
Mystery of the Ground Zero wedding photo

A shot in the dark

Mystery of the wedding photo from Ground Zero
His life, the universe and everything

His life, the universe and everything

New biography sheds light on comic genius of Douglas Adams
Save us from small screen superheroes

Save us from small screen superheroes

Shows like Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D are little more than marketing tools
Reach for the skies

Reach for the skies

From pools to football pitches, rooftop living is looking up
These are the 12 best hotel spas in the UK

12 best hotel spas in the UK

Some hotels go all out on facilities; others stand out for the sheer quality of treatments