Simon Carr: Jacqui plagued by both her houses

Sketch: Had Jacqui ever taken ecstasy herself, Keith Vaz toyed with the idea, but we didn't find out
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The Independent Online

Home Office questions. There was one question that had to be answered before we could start. Would Jacqui Smith declare it her principal Home Office questions or her secondary home office questions? A balance has to be struck. She might take advice but it is she who decides, she told us.

Did she have her ministerial team there, for instance? Did she keep her ministerial toys under the bench? Were her junior ministers going to school nearby? Would she make £116,000 by saying it was her principal questions? But how much would she get if she said it was her secondary questions? These and many other questions need to be carefully considered, perhaps by a review.

Very well. But to her personal qualities. How had she borne the public display of her finances?

Try rearranging these words into a suitable order, "Revelations in the weekend papers", "Disappointed", "Entirely inappropriate", "Sending the wrong message to young people", "Apologised".

Yes, she had rung up her drugs adviser and given him a tongue lashing for his appalling behaviour and he had apologised to her. That was what she said. If you remember, this Professor Nutt had observed that riding horses was more dangerous than taking ecstasy. It seemed to us degenerates to be no more than a statement of fact but it went down very badly.

Had Jacqui ever taken ecstasy herself, Keith Vaz toyed with the idea, but we didn't find out. Never mind, it'll soon be on her ID card and we'll all know all we need to know. Nothing to fear, nothing to hide.

The cards are well on the way now, the first trials starting at Manchester airport. The workers are keen on the cards, ignore contrary rumours. Also, the costs are greatly exaggerated because of public demand. So said a minister, Meg Hillier. Apparently citizens will be volunteering to register so as not to be left out of the fun.

That's the only good things about these cards, that they'll make a household name of her minister, the pashmina'd wolverine Meg Hillier.