Simon Carr: Sir Humphrey is alive and well and talking in riddles in the House

Sketch: This thing Mr Letwin calls transparency is what we know as "speaking clearly". It's not his first talent

Share
+More
Related Topics

"And I commend the statement to the House," Oliver Letwin said. "What statement?" we asked ourselves. "What had he said? And why did he keep saying: "We are a government, not a magazine"?

The Labour-leaning Speaker accused him of having been a philosophy tutor – a pointed intervention, as Letwin's statement was beyond common understanding. Listening to him reminded us why the Tories didn't win a majority. Remember what they sprung on us on 6 May? The big idea was big citizens in the Big Society – but no one could understand how, what or when. Now have a combined power and horizon shift replacing targets with a transparent monthly milestones framework to avoid micromangement by micro-men. And you know why? Yes, because the Coalition is "a government not a magazine".

That was the only soundbite of the day; the only concise, concrete, factual remark that had obvious meaning. Oliver would shudder at the vulgarity of a soundbite. But it has its advantages over his blethering, election-losing wiffle-waffle.

Edward Leigh said the "Sir Humphrey language disguised the need for change" that would only happen when "schools, for instance, had the right to hire, fire and admit pupils". Letwin remained in the intellectual uplands, saying that radical structural change will disperse power from the centre to parents, patients and citizens. They will do this by publishing information (yes, mashable data!) and by requiring departments to publish their performance against monthly milestones.

I think it means: departments will be required to publish reasons why they are failing to do what they said they were going to do. Well, good luck with that.

When Oliver looks in his mirror, he sees the biggest obstacle to the plan's success. To make these political projects work, they need to be comprehensible to large numbers of people – and to be brutally enforceable.

This thing he calls transparency is what we know as "speaking clearly". It's not his first talent.

What happens, he was asked, if departments fail to meet a monthly milestone? He said: "Some things we said we'd do but haven't done because we were doing something else would be done differently."

When pressed, he was more specific. Delinquent departments would find themselves faced with a series of "inconveniences" and a "meeting with the Prime Minister". In the past decade it would have been the Editor – but Oliver isn't on a magazine. If he were, he'd be subbed out of existence.

React Now

Day In a Page

Read Next
Sibling rivalry: The public enemy (left) confronts his brother  

The new version of Ibsen's Public Enemy is a drama where democracy doesn't win any votes

Tom Sutcliffe
 

As Hay-on-Wye opens this week, it's time for book festivals to open a new and exciting chapter

David Lister

Johnny Marr talks relationships and reunions

He's worked with Modest Mouse, the Pet Shop Boys and Beck, to name a few, and recently released his first solo album. So why, wonders Johnny Marr, do people still hark on about The Smiths?
After the flood: From Haiti to Britain, one man has captured the devastation of our increasingly deluged lands

In pictures: After the flood

From Haiti to Britain, one man has captured the devastation of our increasingly deluged lands
Death becomes her: Meet the very modern mortician who champions 'cool' funerals

Death becomes her: A very modern mortician

Ever considered baking a loved one's remains into a cake or putting their ashes in fireworks? If so, talk to Caitlin Doughty, champion of the alternative death industry.
How long can the 'Keep Calm' trend carry on?

How long can the 'Keep Calm' trend carry on?

At first it seemed clever and cute. Then the 'Keep Calm' motif went mad, spawning endless offshoots.
The man who built Brum: A lament for the demise of John Madin's Brutalist Birmingham

John Madin: The man who built Brum

The architect's buildings were supposed to leave an indelible, futuristic mark on his beloved hometown but they are now being inexorably torn down.
School of chop: Learning the art of butchery at the Ginger Pig

School of chop: Learning the art of butchery

How do you butcher a lamb? Or make Mexican street food in a British kitchen? Christopher Hirst finds out.
James Pembroke: The man who's eaten everywhere

The man who's eaten everywhere

Few people know more about restaurants than James Pembroke, who only spent five mealtimes at home during his entire childhood.
A Berliner in 1963 – but did John F Kennedy once admire Adolf Hitler?

A Berliner in 1963 – but did John F Kennedy once admire Adolf Hitler?

The young JFK praised 'superior' Nordic races during visits to Germany
Banned Iranian director Mohammad Rasoulof to attend Cannes Film Festival 2013, his first public appearance since prison

Banned Iranian director to attend Cannes Film Festival

Mohammad Rasoulof to make his first public appearance since being imprisoned three years ago
Seeing the larger picture: Inspiring images of space

Seeing the larger picture: Inspiring images of space

An exhibition explores images how photography has shaped astronomy
Eat Spam and carry on: Wartime pamphlets could teach us a thing or two about healthy, thrifty eating

Eat Spam and carry on

Wartime pamphlets could teach us a thing or two about healthy, thrifty eating
Facial hair: Cat beards and the purrrsuit of excellence

Facial hair

Cat beards and the purrrsuit of excellence
The 10 Best salt and pepper sets

The 10 Best salt and pepper sets

Whether they're for everyday use or to make your dining table look just right, it's worth getting a stylish shaker...
Ferran Soriano: Predicting success if Manchester City 'vision' is followed

Ferran Soriano: Predicting success if Manchester City 'vision' is followed

Chief executive says trophies will come if a 'core' of suitable players is in place
Thomas Müller: We couldn't handle losing a Champions League Final again

Thomas Müller: We couldn't handle losing a Champions League Final again

The Bayern Munich forward tells Tim Rich his side have to shed chokers' tag after two recent final defeats