Simon Carr:

Simon Carr: What do arcane complexities of EU treaties mean for us? Dozing MPs left us no wiser

Sketch: All Ed Miliband can do is play on British fears of being alone

Share
Related Topics

"Clegg! Clegg! Clegg!" Labour barracked as the PM came in to his supporters' non-gloating cheer. They'd been briefed to act against their instincts. They were in the closet when they really wanted to be dancing in red basques and waving their privacies at the Opposition.

Up in the gallery the 75 slumbering stone of Eric Pickles was causing comment. Heavy lunch? "Eaten Nick Clegg." So where was the Deputy PM? A text from one who knew said: "In meeting with officials." Which is Westminster for having a fag and watching it on the box. Down below, Ken Clarke had snapped into action and was already asleep. Vince Cable sat grieving quietly. Chris Huhne gazed up with a mysterious "man of destiny" smile. Oh, if only he'd been in charge, the euro would be in bonny health. Maybe he'll get a place in Broadmoor.

Cameron carried his case off with one or two argumentative flourishes. He rejected the Franco-German plan because he wants to regulate the City more tightly than the EU will allow, did you know?

And to Ed Miliband – the Labour policy of more borrowing and spending would actually be illegal under the new, enhanced stability pact. Under these "deflationary diktats" (Austin Mitchell) Ed Miliband and Ed Balls would be in jail.

However, I'm very keen not to give you the impression I know one thing from another about these immensely complex EU paradoxes. "A treaty outside the EU can't cut across existing treaties." What does that mean for us? Is it a lot or a little? And what happens when countries reject fiscal union in referendums? And the bond markets gangbang the south? Does the truth lie with John Redwood over there or Denis MacShane over there?

All Ed Miliband can do is play on British fears of being alone. But the polls look as though we might be prepared to take inspiration from Millwall ("We treat unpopularity with utter indifference," their fans chant). "The euro crisis is not resolved!" Ed M crowed, as if the Prime Minister was to blame. "Like that's MY fault!" he might have replied. Well, at least we can understand that.

twitter.com/simonsketch

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Account Manager / Sales Executive - Contract Hire

£35000 - £60000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This industry leader provides c...

Recruitment Genius: Project Coordinator

£28000 - £30000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Project Coordinator is requir...

Recruitment Genius: Area Sales Manager - Midlands

£20000 - £25000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an exciting opportunity...

Recruitment Genius: PHP Developer - 3-4 Month Fixed Contract - £30-£35k pro rata

£30000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is a 3-4 month pro rata fi...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Don’t pity me for eating alone, just give me a better table

Rosie Millard
Aerial view of planned third runway at Heathrow  

Heathrow expansion: This final 'conclusion' has simply fanned the airport flames

Chris Blackhurst
John Palmer: 'Goldfinger' of British crime was murdered, say police

Murder of the Brink’s-MAT mastermind

'Goldfinger' of British crime's life ended in a blaze of bullets, say police
The Real Stories of Migrant Britain: An Algerian scientist adjusts to life working in a kebab shop

The Real Stories of Migrant Britain

An Algerian scientist struggles to adjust to her new life working in a Scottish kebab shop
Bodyworlds museum: Dr Gunther von Hagens has battled legal threats, Parkinson's disease, and the threat of bankruptcy

Dying dream of Doctor Death

Dr Gunther von Hagens has battled legal threats, Parkinson's disease, and the threat of bankruptcy
UK heatwave: Temperature reaches 39.8 degrees on Central Line - the sweatiest place in London

39.8 degrees recorded on Tube

There's hot (London) and too damn hot (the Underground). Simon Usborne braved the Central line to discover what its passengers suffer
Kitchens go hi-tech: From robot chefs to recipe-shopping apps, computerised cooking is coming

Computerised cooking is coming

From apps that automatically make shopping lists from your recipe books to smart ovens and robot chefs, Kevin Maney rounds up innovations to make your mouth water
Jessie Cave interview: The Harry Potter star has published a feminist collection of cartoons

Jessie Cave's feminist cartoons

The Harry Potter star tells Alice Jones how a one-night stand changed her life
10 best barbecue books

Fire up the barbie: 10 best barbecue books

We've got Bibles to get you grilling and smoking like a true south American pro
Seifeddine Rezgui: What motivated a shy student to kill 38 holidaymakers in Tunisia?

Making of a killer

What motivated a shy student to kill 38 holidaymakers in Tunisia?
UK Heatwave: Temperatures on the tube are going to exceed the legal limit for transporting cattle

Just when you thought your commute couldn't get any worse...

Heatwave will see temperatures on the Tube exceed legal limit for transporting cattle
Exclusive - The Real Stories of Migrant Britain: Swapping Bucharest for London

The Real Stories of Migrant Britain

Meet the man who swapped Romania for the UK in a bid to provide for his family, only to discover that the home he left behind wasn't quite what it seemed
Cheaper energy on the way, but it's not all sunshine and rainbows

Cheaper energy on the way, but it's not all sunshine and rainbows

Solar power will help bring down electricity prices over the next five years, according to a new report. But it’s cheap imports of ‘dirty power’ that will lower them the most
Katy Perry prevented from buying California convent for $14.5m after nuns sell to local businesswoman instead

No grace of God for Katy Perry as sisters act to stop her buying convent

Archdiocese sues nuns who turned down star’s $14.5m because they don’t approve of her
Ajmer: The ancient Indian metropolis chosen to be a 'smart city' where residents would just be happy to have power and running water

Residents just want water and power in a city chosen to be a ‘smart’ metropolis

The Indian Government has launched an ambitious plan to transform 100 of its crumbling cities
Michael Fassbender in 'Macbeth': The Scottish play on film, from Welles to Cheggers

Something wicked?

Films of Macbeth don’t always end well - just ask Orson Welles... and Keith Chegwin
10 best sun creams for body

10 best sun creams for body

Make sure you’re protected from head to toe in the heatwave