Simon Carr:

Simon Carr: What do arcane complexities of EU treaties mean for us? Dozing MPs left us no wiser

Sketch: All Ed Miliband can do is play on British fears of being alone

Share
Related Topics

"Clegg! Clegg! Clegg!" Labour barracked as the PM came in to his supporters' non-gloating cheer. They'd been briefed to act against their instincts. They were in the closet when they really wanted to be dancing in red basques and waving their privacies at the Opposition.

Up in the gallery the 75 slumbering stone of Eric Pickles was causing comment. Heavy lunch? "Eaten Nick Clegg." So where was the Deputy PM? A text from one who knew said: "In meeting with officials." Which is Westminster for having a fag and watching it on the box. Down below, Ken Clarke had snapped into action and was already asleep. Vince Cable sat grieving quietly. Chris Huhne gazed up with a mysterious "man of destiny" smile. Oh, if only he'd been in charge, the euro would be in bonny health. Maybe he'll get a place in Broadmoor.

Cameron carried his case off with one or two argumentative flourishes. He rejected the Franco-German plan because he wants to regulate the City more tightly than the EU will allow, did you know?

And to Ed Miliband – the Labour policy of more borrowing and spending would actually be illegal under the new, enhanced stability pact. Under these "deflationary diktats" (Austin Mitchell) Ed Miliband and Ed Balls would be in jail.

However, I'm very keen not to give you the impression I know one thing from another about these immensely complex EU paradoxes. "A treaty outside the EU can't cut across existing treaties." What does that mean for us? Is it a lot or a little? And what happens when countries reject fiscal union in referendums? And the bond markets gangbang the south? Does the truth lie with John Redwood over there or Denis MacShane over there?

All Ed Miliband can do is play on British fears of being alone. But the polls look as though we might be prepared to take inspiration from Millwall ("We treat unpopularity with utter indifference," their fans chant). "The euro crisis is not resolved!" Ed M crowed, as if the Prime Minister was to blame. "Like that's MY fault!" he might have replied. Well, at least we can understand that.

twitter.com/simonsketch

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Client-Side web developer (JQuery, Javascript, UI, JMX, FIX)

Negotiable: Harrington Starr: Client-Side web developer (JQuery, Javascript, U...

Structured Finance

Highly Competitive Salary: Austen Lloyd: CITY - An excellent new instruction w...

SQL Server Developer

£500 per day: Harrington Starr: SQL Server Developer SQL, PHP, C#, Real Time,...

C#.NET Developer

£600 per day: Harrington Starr: C#.NET Developer C#, Win Forms, WPF, WCF, MVVM...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Theresa May  

Democracy and the police: a system in crisis

Nigel Morris
 

Mary Beard has taught us all a lesson in how to deal with online bullies

Louise Scodie
Ukraine crisis: The phoney war is over as Russian troops and armour pour across the border

The phoney war is over

Russian troops and armour pour into Ukraine
Potatoes could be off the menu as crop pests threaten UK

Potatoes could be off the menu as crop pests threaten UK

The world’s entire food system is under attack - and Britain is most at risk, according to a new study
Gangnam smile: why the Chinese are flocking to South Korea to buy a new face

Gangnam smile: why the Chinese are flocking to South Korea to buy a new face

Seoul's plastic surgery industry is booming thanks to the popularity of the K-Pop look
From Mozart to Orson Welles: Creative geniuses who peaked too soon

Creative geniuses who peaked too soon

After the death of Sandy Wilson, 90, who wrote his only hit musical in his twenties, John Walsh wonders what it's like to peak too soon and go on to live a life more ordinary
Caught in the crossfire of a cyber Cold War

Caught in the crossfire of a cyber Cold War

Fears are mounting that Vladimir Putin has instructed hackers to target banks like JP Morgan
Salomé's feminine wiles have inspired writers, painters and musicians for 2,000 years

Salomé: A head for seduction

Salomé's feminine wiles have inspired writers, painters and musicians for 2,000 years. Now audiences can meet the Biblical femme fatale in two new stage and screen projects
From Bram Stoker to Stanley Kubrick, the British Library's latest exhibition celebrates all things Gothic

British Library celebrates all things Gothic

Forthcoming exhibition Terror and Wonder: The Gothic Imagination will be the UK's largest ever celebration of Gothic literature
The Hard Rock Café's owners are embroiled in a bitter legal dispute - but is the restaurant chain worth fighting for?

Is the Hard Rock Café worth fighting for?

The restaurant chain's owners are currently embroiled in a bitter legal dispute
Caribbean cuisine is becoming increasingly popular in the UK ... and there's more to it than jerk chicken at carnival

In search of Caribbean soul food

Caribbean cuisine is becoming increasingly popular in the UK ... and there's more to it than jerk chicken at carnival
11 best face powders

11 best face powders

Sweep away shiny skin with our pick of the best pressed and loose powder bases
England vs Norway: Roy Hodgson's hands tied by exploding top flight

Roy Hodgson's hands tied by exploding top flight

Lack of Englishmen at leading Premier League clubs leaves manager hamstrung
Angel Di Maria and Cristiano Ronaldo: A tale of two Manchester United No 7s

Di Maria and Ronaldo: A tale of two Manchester United No 7s

They both inherited the iconic shirt at Old Trafford, but the £59.7m new boy is joining a club in a very different state
Israel-Gaza conflict: No victory for Israel despite weeks of death and devastation

Robert Fisk: No victory for Israel despite weeks of devastation

Palestinians have won: they are still in Gaza, and Hamas is still there
Mary Beard writes character reference for Twitter troll who called her a 'slut'

Unlikely friends: Mary Beard and the troll who called her a ‘filthy old slut’

The Cambridge University classicist even wrote the student a character reference
America’s new apartheid: Prosperous white districts are choosing to break away from black cities and go it alone

America’s new apartheid

Prosperous white districts are choosing to break away from black cities and go it alone