Simon Carr: What do arcane complexities of EU treaties mean for us? Dozing MPs left us no wiser

Sketch: All Ed Miliband can do is play on British fears of being alone
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The Independent Online

"Clegg! Clegg! Clegg!" Labour barracked as the PM came in to his supporters' non-gloating cheer. They'd been briefed to act against their instincts. They were in the closet when they really wanted to be dancing in red basques and waving their privacies at the Opposition.

Up in the gallery the 75 slumbering stone of Eric Pickles was causing comment. Heavy lunch? "Eaten Nick Clegg." So where was the Deputy PM? A text from one who knew said: "In meeting with officials." Which is Westminster for having a fag and watching it on the box. Down below, Ken Clarke had snapped into action and was already asleep. Vince Cable sat grieving quietly. Chris Huhne gazed up with a mysterious "man of destiny" smile. Oh, if only he'd been in charge, the euro would be in bonny health. Maybe he'll get a place in Broadmoor.

Cameron carried his case off with one or two argumentative flourishes. He rejected the Franco-German plan because he wants to regulate the City more tightly than the EU will allow, did you know?

And to Ed Miliband – the Labour policy of more borrowing and spending would actually be illegal under the new, enhanced stability pact. Under these "deflationary diktats" (Austin Mitchell) Ed Miliband and Ed Balls would be in jail.

However, I'm very keen not to give you the impression I know one thing from another about these immensely complex EU paradoxes. "A treaty outside the EU can't cut across existing treaties." What does that mean for us? Is it a lot or a little? And what happens when countries reject fiscal union in referendums? And the bond markets gangbang the south? Does the truth lie with John Redwood over there or Denis MacShane over there?

All Ed Miliband can do is play on British fears of being alone. But the polls look as though we might be prepared to take inspiration from Millwall ("We treat unpopularity with utter indifference," their fans chant). "The euro crisis is not resolved!" Ed M crowed, as if the Prime Minister was to blame. "Like that's MY fault!" he might have replied. Well, at least we can understand that.