The shape of things to come is pear-shaped

Stress-counselling targets are missed because all the stress counsellors are having stress counselling
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The Independent Online

One advantage of the pace of change picking up is that we can we can see change occurring. We still won't know why anything's happening, but at least it will become obvious what it is. We will surely recognise that things are not as they were when:

One advantage of the pace of change picking up is that we can we can see change occurring. We still won't know why anything's happening, but at least it will become obvious what it is. We will surely recognise that things are not as they were when:

Children present themselves for their first day in school in a state of functional autism. Mute, unsocialised, and only partially potty trained, they are taught in the only language they recognise: that of TV presenters and action heroes. Exams start immediately to provide benchmarking, but everyone passes owing to weighted results for "enjoying the day", "playing well with others", and "evidence of physical aptitude" (burping). GCSEs are conducted on the same basis in order to minimise disruption to the seamless education process, and to avoid overspending the stress counselling budget.

Taxes rise to unprecedented heights to create a fairer and more just society. Tax revenues fall to unprecedented lows and public spending is cut back to levels unknown since John Maynard Keynes. Unemployment soars for everyone except outreach officers, gender balance inspectors, ethnic sensitivity enforcers and those who evaluate their output.

Teachers are armed.

Carole Caplin is appointed Minister of Health in the House of Lords. "Doing big toilets is the secret of inner beauty. The appointments schedule for colorectal cancer victims will be determined by feng shui."

Doctors are armed.

Iraq imports oil to provide power for its hospitals. But all its doctors are working in England.

Hospital porters become the only reliable suppliers of cholesterol-reducing medication, and then only for cash, through a hole in the wall of a back-street crack house.

A graphic novel wins both the Booker and the Turner prizes.

Die-hard supporters of Saddam Hussein finally deploy a weapon of mass destruction by dumping 10 kilos of six-month-old tuna into London's water supply. Botulism kills millions.

Anti-terrorist legislation is passed to provide for everyone being barcoded at birth.

Torture is legalised, provided it is properly licensed.

The Government's interpretation of market forces require electrical relay stations be converted to luxury apartments. The Government reacts to the resulting power crisis by legislating for sushi on all restaurant menus.

Life insurance companies prevent those living in gated communities from leaving them, on penalty of forfeiting their policy. Only those with criminal convictions are allowed to live in London.

An eight-year-old computer hacker closes down the national grid until he is paid off in Haribo's Sour Mix. Haribo's is taken into receivership by the Government in spite of record profits.

Downing Street appoints a Head of Story Development for £350,000 a year.

Telephone books are no longer published and a number from directory enquiries costs £3.50.

Melbourne reverts to its original name of Tooloobooloobilli (meaning: This Place Here: Nothing Much Ever Happened In It).

Die-hard supporters of Saddam Hussein sabotage the NHS and make it impossible for the Government to meet its health targets. Iraq is re-invaded. Al-Qa'ida is taken over by extremists.

Monica Clinton (Bill's surprise grand-daughter) defends her presidency against Orlando Bush (Jeb's grandson).

Stress counselling targets are missed in the armed forces, the police, the health service and the teaching professions because all the stress counsellors have witnessed such stress-inducing experiences that they are in stress counselling. Stress counsellors are armed.

The last policeman retires with a bad back. He wins gold weightlifting in the Addis Ababa Olympics.

The Church of England's Easter marketing campaign offers free sex sessions for adolescents to demonstrate on a practical level the love of God. "It's a metaphor," the Church's Head of Story Development explains.

One hundred per cent of trains arrive on time. Those services that start losing time are immediately cancelled and deemed not to have begun their journey. Network Rail's Head of Story Development is armed.

The insect population increases owing to genetically modified crops.

Grasshoppers are red and taste of cardboard, but they carry bazookas.

Life expectancy increases by 10 per cent a decade, so we all have that little bit longer to enjoy the world we have made for ourselves.

simoncarr75@hotmail.com

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