Simon Carr:

The Sketch: And for his next trick, Gordon hits himself

Share
Related Topics

How agile do prime ministers need to be? Not agile at all, is the strict answer, but only as long as nothing happens. If there is an event, the ideal prime minister deals with it.

And that's where our present PM stumbles. It's those pesky events getting in the way. It's a great comic act at least, with his legs constantly going in different directions.

He supported Michael Martin and fed him to the Commons. He denounced Hazel Blears but keeps her in the Cabinet. He calls for consensus but demands obedience. He acts strong but behaves weak.

It's the same with questions. He goes one way and falls over his feet on the way back. He was asked by a laughing Cameron why he thought an election would "cause chaos".

Cunningly, he stood up to say that "a Conservative government would cause chaos". He sat down to cheers from his back bench while his front bench sat faces frozen as a bucketful of Botox.

"There it is!" a delighted Cameron said. "The first admission that he thinks he's going to lose!"

Over he went! Soon he'll be hitting himself in the face and biting his own bottom. Two good ways of helping people through the recession.

Now, Harriet Harman can't remain as unpopular as the polls say she is. She is flowering in front of us, late in the day perhaps, she is an Evening Primrose.

She welcomed Alan Duncan's offer of support on expenses with the words: "No party has a monopoly on wisdom or virtue." Gordon Brown would chew his own tongue off before saying such a thing.

But she dished Tony Wright's chance of the speakership by calling him "an intellectual" (she meant it to sting). Cameron had earlier dished Frank Field as well by quoting him favourably (Labour hissed quietly). The field is narrowing by the minute.

On full reflection, I'm coming out in favour of John Bercow. He is a great advert for diversity. When the Monday Club was a bunch of softies he was up so early with the Sunday Club it was still Saturday night. As a young man he mixed easily with the Hang Nelson Mandela Tendency, and now, with great agility, he has diversified himself into soft-collar special needs and multi-equality. He is so loathed by his own party that Labour love him. It's a powerful proposition.

But really I'm coming out for Bercow because it looks like he's going to win. His corridor campaign is famous in the Palace, especially the way he refuses to talk to Tories. It'll also be very good for trade. I mean sketch writing, obviously.

PS: Who's that Labour MP who supports the Speaker. Tommy Sheridan, is it? Someone Sheridan. He wants sketch writers banned from Parliament for making "personal and racist attacks" on MPs. What rot. The fat Scots git.

simoncarr@sketch.sc

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Business Analyst - Surrey - Permanent - Up to £50k DOE

£40000 - £50000 Per Annum Excellent benefits: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd:...

***ASP.NET Developer - Cheshire - £35k - Permanent***

£30000 - £35000 Per Annum Excellent benefits: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd:...

***Solutions Architect*** - Brighton - £40k - Permanent

£35000 - £40000 Per Annum Excellent benefits: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd:...

Senior Research Fellow in Gender, Food and Resilient Communities

£47,334 - £59,058 per annum: Coventry University: The Centre for Agroecology, ...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Taking on Ukip requires a delicate balancing act for both main parties

Andrew Grice
Today is a bigger Shabbes than usual in the Jewish world because it has been chosen to launch the Shabbos Project  

Shabbes exerts a pull on all Jews, and today is bigger than ever

Howard Jacobson
Wilko Johnson, now the bad news: musician splits with manager after police investigate assault claims

Wilko Johnson, now the bad news

Former Dr Feelgood splits with manager after police investigate assault claims
Mark Udall: The Democrat Senator with a fight on his hands ahead of the US midterm elections

Mark Udall: The Democrat Senator with a fight on his hands

The Senator for Colorado is for gay rights, for abortion rights – and in the Republicans’ sights as they threaten to take control of the Senate next month
New discoveries show more contact between far-flung prehistoric humans than had been thought

New discoveries show more contact between far-flung prehistoric humans than had been thought

Evidence found of contact between Easter Islanders and South America
Cerys Matthews reveals how her uncle taped 150 interviews for a biography of Dylan Thomas

Cerys Matthews on Dylan Thomas

The singer reveals how her uncle taped 150 interviews for a biography of the famous Welsh poet
DIY is not fun and we've finally realised this as a nation

Homebase closures: 'DIY is not fun'

Homebase has announced the closure of one in four of its stores. Nick Harding, who never did know his awl from his elbow, is glad to see the back of DIY
The Battle of the Five Armies: Air New Zealand releases new Hobbit-inspired in-flight video

Air New Zealand's wizard in-flight video

The airline has released a new Hobbit-inspired clip dubbed "The most epic safety video ever made"
Pumpkin spice is the flavour of the month - but can you stomach the sweetness?

Pumpkin spice is the flavour of the month

The combination of cinnamon, clove, nutmeg (and no actual pumpkin), now flavours everything from lattes to cream cheese in the US
11 best sonic skincare brushes

11 best sonic skincare brushes

Forget the flannel - take skincare to the next level by using your favourite cleanser with a sonic facial brush
Paul Scholes column: I'm not worried about Manchester United's defence - Chelsea test can be the making of Phil Jones and Marcos Rojo

Paul Scholes column

I'm not worried about Manchester United's defence - Chelsea test can be the making of Jones and Rojo
Frank Warren: Boxing has its problems but in all my time I've never seen a crooked fight

Frank Warren: Boxing has its problems but in all my time I've never seen a crooked fight

While other sports are stalked by corruption, we are an easy target for the critics
Jamie Roberts exclusive interview: 'I'm a man of my word – I'll stay in Paris'

Jamie Roberts: 'I'm a man of my word – I'll stay in Paris'

Wales centre says he’s not coming home but is looking to establish himself at Racing Métro
How could three tourists have been battered within an inch of their lives by a burglar in a plush London hotel?

A crime that reveals London's dark heart

How could three tourists have been battered within an inch of their lives by a burglar in a plush London hotel?
Meet 'Porridge' and 'Vampire': Chinese state TV is offering advice for citizens picking a Western moniker

Lost in translation: Western monikers

Chinese state TV is offering advice for citizens picking a Western moniker. Simon Usborne, who met a 'Porridge' and a 'Vampire' while in China, can see the problem
Handy hacks that make life easier: New book reveals how to rid your inbox of spam, protect your passwords and amplify your iPhone

Handy hacks that make life easier

New book reveals how to rid your email inbox of spam, protect your passwords and amplify your iPhone with a loo-roll
KidZania lets children try their hands at being a firefighter, doctor or factory worker for the day

KidZania: It's a small world

The new 'educational entertainment experience' in London's Shepherd's Bush will allow children to try out the jobs that are usually undertaken by adults, including firefighter, doctor or factory worker