The Sketch: Obese union officials are the Tories' secret weapon

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The Independent Online

That secret Tory Len McCluskey helped lay the groundwork for PMQs, alongside the secret capitalist, Ken Livingstone. But they would have had a fraction of the effect but for Labour's Julie Hilling, who ensured the Prime Minister left the chamber to Tory cheers.

Nothing could help the Tories more than 100,000 obese trade union officials invading the pitch and running the 1,500 metres the wrong way round the track. But how to get it on to the House floor?

There was a circuitous way, but only if Ed Miliband co-operated, which he did. Ed was back on the health Bill that everyone hates – the paediatrics, geriatrics, orthopaedics, indentured Nail Technicians of Bromley and Royal Society of Smoking Cessation Outreach Co-Ordinators. Ed is among a comfortable majority and told us 98 per cent of those in the Royal College of GPs opposed the Bill. David Cameron, recognising a trick, said only 7 per cent of the 44,000 membership responded to the survey. "What about the Royal College of Physiotherapists?" he cried (What about it? It doesn't exist). Only 2 per cent had responded. And speaking of 2 per cent, that was enough "for the unions to elect him leader of the Labour Party". Drum, cymbal, cries of "More!"

We had a bit of Livingstone's £50,000 tax avoidance scheme, dragged in on the back of the banks' trillion-pound bailout, and then Ms Hilling asked about the effect of welfare reform on families with children. But she – "sponsored by Unite" – hadn't taken the chance to condemn McCluskey, the PM said. Labour outrage! Ms Hilling raised it as a point of order. She wasn't, she wouldn't, what an untruth!

As Cameron listed Unite donations to her office from a Register of Interests, Labour rage turned to foot shuffling, throat clearing and a change of subject. It left the Speaker, in 255 words, to say: "That isn't a matter for the Chair."