The Sketch: Same suits, hair, wives and ties. What could possibly go wrong?

The Camilition? Does that work? The Clegmeron – with a silent G – do we like the ancient tribal quality of that? Or does grown-up politics not need silly names? It's like a new world. Or maybe the arrangement won't last long enough to justify naming it. Nick Clegg said with fate-tempting emphasis: "This is a government that. Will. Last."

But it's all looking good so far. We must be 18 hours into it and no one's resigned. Mind you, Theresa May has been made Home Secretary. She's got all Jacqui Smith's strategic ability but less of her salon flair.

And Chris Grayling must be spinning in his grave (at the time of writing, he isn't actually dead but how long can he bear the humiliation?). He might have expected to be replaced by Chris Huhne, well and good. Instead he heard words he interpreted as, "We have decided to replace you with a large, tailless domestic pet with prominent teeth and great treadmill technique." And then to be sent off to serve under that fellow, that what's-his-name from Have I Got News For You. Send in the Samaritans with an entry warrant!

Back to the leadership. One commentator said Nick made Dave look chubby. On the contrary, I found it surprising how alike they are in age, build, suits, education, wives, cranial structure, tie, vocal delivery, lectern presence.

In fact they remind me of those twins who ran Poland. Not a bad idea. You have a spare if something goes wrong with one of them. The pack of us were hacked into the Downing Street garden. It's nice in there. Sarah's vegetables were still growing. Nice grass, nice water feature. The leaders were very nice too. They made a nice couple and we made a lot of civil union jokes but I still see them as Polish presidents.

The Dave one said of his coalition: "This will succeed through success." Yes, that's probably true. You can test it by wondering whether it would succeed through its failure. Less likely, isn't it? Would it fail through its success? Stranger things have happened.

The Nick one began by saying: "We've just had an election. And now we have a coalition." I had to get that off the news wire because some subconscious switch tripped every time he started saying these things. However, my advice is: buy. Nice young men leading a couple of defective parties that provide the raw materials for quite a good one.

Later, Harriet went into her Labour meeting where, we were told, "Someone asked her if she was going to run. She said, 'Are you deaf? How many times do I have to tell you? No! No! No!'" "So she didn't entirely rule it out?" a wiser one among us said.

Later still, David Miliband announced his candidacy for the leadership of Labour. He's the same age, education, suit, etc as the Nick one and the Dave one. Maybe we could go one better than Poland and have the country run by triplets?

PS: New politics: the interviewers noticeably lack that tone in their voice that says, "What makes you think that anyone is going to believe a word of your deceitful, partisan drivel?" That's new, too.

twitter.com/simonsketch

Comments