The Sketch: Serving the spirit of the Games for a mere £500m

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The Independent Online

They said they would pay the Government for the pleasure of serving the Olympic spirit – but once they got the contract they'd only do their bit if we paid them £500 million and did the work ourselves. It's there in black and white.

Clawback for failing to do what they promised? The fewer the services provided, the higher the bonuses for the directors. That's normal. If the Government wants work done it must provide workers from the public sector to do it, and the company will add their commission on a strictly defined formula multiplied by the speed of light squared. The contract also stipulates a diversity protocol demanding two actively operational teams of al-Qa'ida who must have their own Olympic travel lane out of the city, in the event of an explosion.

Or such was the gist of it.

Keith Vaz asked an Urgent Question in his stern but dignified but friendly way. Why do I think he's running a covert campaign to be Speaker? He'd be very good at it, actually. It takes a minute to get used to it, but you may be there already.

Yvette is campaigning more overtly for her preferred office. Smart black trouser suit, hair all nice and she's obviously had her colours done. The voice coach hasn't quite deserved his bonus. She's got a new, low, breathy delivery – but the edge keeps breaking through, like Mrs Thatcher's Spitting Image. And the accent is a really artful collage. All English regions south of Cumbria are represented in the vowels, and all classes in the consonants (which come and go).

But enough of our MPs' professional development, back to Olympic chaos. Teresa May is "letting everyone down".

David Blunkett was worried that missile sites on residential buildings would make tourists anxious. And Bob Russell thought that G4S was disqualified from the security contract by the work they've been doing for Israel.

G4S works for Israeli security? That's the first thing that anyone has said that makes me think they're any good at it.