Simon Carr:

The Sketch: Serving the spirit of the Games for a mere £500m

Share
Related Topics

They said they would pay the Government for the pleasure of serving the Olympic spirit – but once they got the contract they'd only do their bit if we paid them £500 million and did the work ourselves. It's there in black and white.

Clawback for failing to do what they promised? The fewer the services provided, the higher the bonuses for the directors. That's normal. If the Government wants work done it must provide workers from the public sector to do it, and the company will add their commission on a strictly defined formula multiplied by the speed of light squared. The contract also stipulates a diversity protocol demanding two actively operational teams of al-Qa'ida who must have their own Olympic travel lane out of the city, in the event of an explosion.

Or such was the gist of it.

Keith Vaz asked an Urgent Question in his stern but dignified but friendly way. Why do I think he's running a covert campaign to be Speaker? He'd be very good at it, actually. It takes a minute to get used to it, but you may be there already.

Yvette is campaigning more overtly for her preferred office. Smart black trouser suit, hair all nice and she's obviously had her colours done. The voice coach hasn't quite deserved his bonus. She's got a new, low, breathy delivery – but the edge keeps breaking through, like Mrs Thatcher's Spitting Image. And the accent is a really artful collage. All English regions south of Cumbria are represented in the vowels, and all classes in the consonants (which come and go).

But enough of our MPs' professional development, back to Olympic chaos. Teresa May is "letting everyone down".

David Blunkett was worried that missile sites on residential buildings would make tourists anxious. And Bob Russell thought that G4S was disqualified from the security contract by the work they've been doing for Israel.

G4S works for Israeli security? That's the first thing that anyone has said that makes me think they're any good at it.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Key Sales Account Manager - OTE £35,000

£25000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Have you got a proven track rec...

Recruitment Genius: Sales Executive - OTE £40,000

£15000 - £18000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is a great opportunity for...

Recruitment Genius: Senior Designer / Design Director

£38000 - £48000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This B2B content marketing agen...

Austen Lloyd: Law Costs HOD - Southampton

£50000 - £60000 per annum + Excellent Salary: Austen Lloyd: An outstanding new...

Day In a Page

Read Next
David Cameron visiting a primary school last year  

The only choice in schools is between the one you want and the ones you don’t

Jane Merrick
Zoë Ball says having her two children was the best thing ever to happen to her  

Start a family – you’ll never have to go out again

John Mullin
Syrian conflict is the world's first 'climate change war', say scientists, but it won't be the last one

Climate change key in Syrian conflict

And it will trigger more war in future
How I outwitted the Gestapo

How I outwitted the Gestapo

My life as a Jew in wartime Berlin
The nation's favourite animal revealed

The nation's favourite animal revealed

Women like cuddly creatures whilst men like creepy-crawlies
Is this the way to get young people to vote?

Getting young people to vote

From #VOTESELFISH to Bite the Ballot
Poldark star Heida Reed: 'I don't think a single bodice gets ripped'

Poldark star Heida Reed

'I don't think a single bodice gets ripped'
The difference between America and Israel? There isn’t one

The difference between America and Israel? There isn’t one

Netanyahu knows he can get away with anything in America, says Robert Fisk
Families clubbing together to build their own affordable accommodation

Do It Yourself approach to securing a new house

Community land trusts marking a new trend for taking the initiative away from developers
Head of WWF UK: We didn’t send Cameron to the Arctic to see green ideas freeze

David Nussbaum: We didn’t send Cameron to the Arctic to see green ideas freeze

The head of WWF UK remains sanguine despite the Government’s failure to live up to its pledges on the environment
Author Kazuo Ishiguro on being inspired by shoot-outs and samurai

Author Kazuo Ishiguro on being inspired by shoot-outs and samurai

Set in a mythologised 5th-century Britain, ‘The Buried Giant’ is a strange beast
With money, corruption and drugs, this monk fears Buddhism in Thailand is a ‘poisoned fruit’

Money, corruption and drugs

The monk who fears Buddhism in Thailand is a ‘poisoned fruit’
America's first slavery museum established at Django Unchained plantation - 150 years after slavery outlawed

150 years after it was outlawed...

... America's first slavery museum is established in Louisiana
Kelly Clarkson: How I snubbed Simon Cowell and become a Grammy-winning superstar

Kelly Clarkson: How I snubbed Simon Cowell and become a Grammy-winning superstar

The first 'American Idol' winner on how she manages to remain her own woman – Jane Austen fascination and all
Tony Oursler on exploring our uneasy relationship with technology with his new show

You won't believe your eyes

Tony Oursler's new show explores our uneasy relationship with technology. He's one of a growing number of artists with that preoccupation
Ian Herbert: Peter Moores must go. He should never have been brought back to fail again

Moores must go. He should never have been brought back to fail again

The England coach leaves players to find solutions - which makes you wonder where he adds value, says Ian Herbert
War with Isis: Fears that the looming battle for Mosul will unleash 'a million refugees'

The battle for Mosul will unleash 'a million refugees'

Aid agencies prepare for vast exodus following planned Iraqi offensive against the Isis-held city, reports Patrick Cockburn