The Sketch: The unreportable truth about Tessa

Share
Related Topics

It always happens at this time of year. The last week before Christmas, St Lucy's just gone, the days still getting shorter, and John Donne ringing in our ears. "I am every dead thing," he says, and it's easy to see what he means as ministers for Culture turn scum into sludge - "the whole world's sap is sunke".

David Lammy would give Joan Ryan a run for her money to become Parliament's least effective junior minister. But he needs a larger stage on which to display his inabilities - Joan has the whole EU policy on a joint Criminal Justice system; Lammy had a few measly churches and the slavery celebrations.

Want to know what must be done? Really? According to Lammy, we must "redouble our efforts". In any particular direction? Not really, no.

Tessa is now unreportable in any parliamentary sense. You start to take down what she says and you wake up a few moments later. You stare at your notes, there is nothing there: and then you realise it couldn't be better expressed.

She told us that she is bearing down on costs for the Olympics. Maybe if she bore down less energetically they wouldn't go up so quickly. She's got away with blowing the budget by paying some group of fat-bonus, black-suited bean counters £400m to keep within it. There was some gentle mockery then. But there was hardly mention of it yesterday, except from the gloomy Vince Cable.

And even when she said: "Michael Grade is a complete **** and I hope he ***** on his fat *****!" it hardly caused a ripple, she put it in such an inconspicuous way: "My thanks to Michael Grade and my appreciation of him", etcetera and thump, thump, thump, as heads bounced off desks.

No, it was obvious what she meant, if you could keep yourself conscious.

Of course, there is Shaun Woodward on the Culture front bench. Everyone says what a toad he is. Though a minority says quite hurtful things about him too.

Not ever had anything to do with him, I can't understand why he isn't the minister and Tessa doesn't go into the same affirmative action programme that put David Lammy in place.

I wish I could end on a high note, but Margaret Beckett did the EU summit statement, robbing it of any residual drama it might have had (the Prime Minister is away taking peace to the Middle East). Everything went pretty well, considering, she told the House, plunging us deeper into seasonal depression.

"Let mee call this houre her vigil" because it really is "the day's deep midnight", isn't it?

PS: Andrew Mackinlay pointed out that if Turkey joins the EU, we will have a common border with Iraq. Not to mention Iran. That bears thinking about in the Home Office, I'd have thought.

sketch@simoncarr.co.uk

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Qualified Primary Teaching Assistant

£64 - £73 per day + Competitive rates based on experience : Randstad Education...

Primary KS2 NQTs required in Lambeth

£117 - £157 per day + Competitive London rates: Randstad Education Group: * Pr...

Primary NQTs required in Lambeth

£117 - £157 per day + Competitive London rates: Randstad Education Group: * Pr...

Primary NQTs required in Lambeth

£117 - £157 per day + Competitive London rates: Randstad Education Group: * Pr...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Piper Ryan Randall leads a pro-Scottish independence rally in the suburbs of Edinburgh  

i Editor's Letter: Britain survives, but change is afoot

Oliver Duff Oliver Duff
Some believe that David Cameron is to blame for allowing Alex Salmond a referendum  

Scottish referendum: So how about the English now being given a chance to split from England?

Mark Steel
Scottish referendum: The Yes vote was the love that dared speak its name, but it was not to be

Despite the result, this is the end of the status quo

Boyd Tonkin on the fall-out from the Scottish referendum
Manolo Blahnik: The high priest of heels talks flats, Englishness, and why he loves Mary Beard

Manolo Blahnik: Flats, Englishness, and Mary Beard

The shoe designer who has been dubbed 'the patron saint of the stiletto'
The Beatles biographer reveals exclusive original manuscripts of some of the best pop songs ever written

Scrambled eggs and LSD

Behind The Beatles' lyrics - thanks to Hunter Davis's original manuscript copies
'Normcore' fashion: Blending in is the new standing out in latest catwalk non-trend

'Normcore': Blending in is the new standing out

Just when fashion was in grave danger of running out of trends, it only went and invented the non-trend. Rebecca Gonsalves investigates
Dance’s new leading ladies fight back: How female vocalists are now writing their own hits

New leading ladies of dance fight back

How female vocalists are now writing their own hits
Mystery of the Ground Zero wedding photo

A shot in the dark

Mystery of the wedding photo from Ground Zero
His life, the universe and everything

His life, the universe and everything

New biography sheds light on comic genius of Douglas Adams
Save us from small screen superheroes

Save us from small screen superheroes

Shows like Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D are little more than marketing tools
Reach for the skies

Reach for the skies

From pools to football pitches, rooftop living is looking up
These are the 12 best hotel spas in the UK

12 best hotel spas in the UK

Some hotels go all out on facilities; others stand out for the sheer quality of treatments
These Iranian-controlled Shia militias used to specialise in killing American soldiers. Now they are fighting Isis, backed up by US airstrikes

Widespread fear of Isis is producing strange bedfellows

Iranian-controlled Shia militias that used to kill American soldiers are now fighting Isis, helped by US airstrikes
Topshop goes part Athena poster, part last spring Prada

Topshop goes part Athena poster, part last spring Prada

Shoppers don't come to Topshop for the unique
How to make a Lego masterpiece

How to make a Lego masterpiece

Toy breaks out of the nursery and heads for the gallery
Meet the ‘Endies’ – city dwellers who are too poor to have fun

Meet the ‘Endies’ – city dwellers who are too poor to have fun

Urbanites are cursed with an acronym pointing to Employed but No Disposable Income or Savings
Paisley’s decision to make peace with IRA enemies might remind the Arabs of Sadat

Ian Paisley’s decision to make peace with his IRA enemies

His Save Ulster from Sodomy campaign would surely have been supported by many a Sunni imam