Simon Carr:

The Sketch: You wouldn't want to have this guy's stare fixed on you under a swinging lightbulb

 

Share
Related Topics

First impressions of the Met's new Commissioner? An athletic, steady-eyed, rough-skinned sort of man. A stranger to exfoliants and facial moisturisers. Lean. Watchful. A discharged soldier who's been sleeping rough would look like Mr Hogan-Howe. He has a fixity of attention that would be unnerving were it applied to oneself under a swinging lightbulb.

And he has the opposite of a glottal stop. A glottal cap, perhaps. The way he spits out his final "t"s, he'd say (if he ever does say it), "Shut it-tah!"

He says he's going to start with the small things. Jolly good. Fighting crime is the thing for the Commissioner. He is rumoured to have recently chased on foot and caught a bicycle thief. Every little helps. He's also aiming at 50 per cent more police on the beat, to bring the Met up to the level he achieved in Merseyside.

If he can deal with the dark, conservative sodality of 55,000 police employees and cut crime by 30 per cent – good luck to him. But one exchange did give cause for some concern. Q: "Who's your boss?" A: "That's a hypothetical question."

It's a big-city job for a country boy. Let's see how he gets on.

The rest of the day consisted of standing around gossiping. Research, as we call it. The results are interesting. Ed Miliband's reshuffle looks like a carefully planned event – as long as the purpose of the plan is to put Ed Balls in his place.

Here is the gossip, conducted in various voices.

"Who are these two junior characters in the shadow Treasury team? No idea. New intake. What do they look like? Never seen them, never heard of them. Rachel's clever though, isn't she? But didn't she write speeches for EDM? Is that why EDB was looking like that at the PLP? No, that was because Stephen Twigg is taking over Ed's old department. Twiggy actually likes free schools. EDB must want to tear his own head off! Or someone's. But then Healey getting fired from Health. Another Balls supporter. And one who resisted any hint of private provision being replaced by Andy Burnham, who's quite relaxed about it. Oooo. I know. Yes."

If Miliband is confident he's caged Balls, he really should resist poking him through the bars. It's fun but it isn't wise.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Female Support Workers / Carers - From £8.00 per hour

£8 - £12 per hour: Recruitment Genius: To assist a young family with the care ...

Recruitment Genius: Customer Service Executive

£20000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Customer Service Executive is required...

Argyll Scott International: Commercial Finance Manager

£55000 - £70000 per annum: Argyll Scott International: My client, a world lead...

Argyll Scott International: Commercial Finance Manager

Negotiable: Argyll Scott International: My client, a world leading services pr...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Police officers attempt to stop illegal migrants from jumping onto trucks headed for Britain in the northeastern French port of Calais on October 29, 2014  

Tighter security in Calais won’t solve the problem

Nigel Morris
 

Football needs its Martin Luther moment, and soon

Boyd Tonkin
US immigration: President Obama ready to press ahead with long-promised plan to overhaul 'broken system' - but will it get past a Republican-controlled Congress?

Immigration: Obama's final frontier

The President is ready to press ahead with the long-promised plan to overhaul America's 'broken system' - but will it get past a Republican-controlled Congress?
Bill Cosby rape allegations explained: Why are these allegations coming out now? Why didn’t these women come forward earlier? And why has nobody taken legal action?

Bill Cosby rape allegations explained

Why are these allegations coming out now? Why has nobody taken legal action? And what happens next for the man once thought of as 'America's Dad'
Four years of excruciating seizures caused by the 1cm tapeworm found burrowing through a man's brain

You know that headache you’ve got?

Four years of excruciating seizures caused by the 1cm tapeworm found burrowing through a man's brain
Travelling to work by scooter is faster than walking and less sweaty than cycling, so why aren’t we all doing it?

Scoot commute

Travelling to work by scooter is faster than walking and less sweaty than cycling, so why aren’t we all doing it?
Paul Robeson: The story of how an American icon was driven to death to be told in film

The Paul Robeson story

How an American icon was driven to death to be told in film
10 best satellite navigation systems

Never get lost again: 10 best satellite navigation systems

Keep your vehicle going in the right direction with a clever device
Paul Scholes column: England must learn to keep possession and dictate games before they are exposed by the likes of Germany and Brazil

Paul Scholes column

England must learn to keep possession and dictate games before they are exposed by the likes of Germany and Brazil
Michael Dawson: I’ll thank Spurs after we win says defender as he prepares to return with Hull

Michael Dawson: I’ll thank Spurs after we win

Hull defender faces his struggling former club on Sunday ready to show what they are missing. But he says he will always be grateful to Tottenham
Frank Warren column: Dr Wu has big plans for the professionals yet he should stick to the amateur game

Frank Warren column

Dr Wu has big plans for the professionals yet he should stick to the amateur game
Synagogue attack: Fear unites both sides of Jerusalem as minister warns restoring quiet could take 'months'

Terror unites Jerusalem after synagogue attack

Rising violence and increased police patrols have left residents of all faiths looking over their shoulders
Medecins sans Frontieres: The Ebola crisis has them in the headlines, but their work goes far beyond West Africa

'How do you carry on? You have to...'

The Ebola crisis has Medecins sans Frontieres in the headlines, but their work goes far beyond West Africa
Isis extends its deadly reach with suicide bombing in Kurdish capital

Isis extends its deadly reach with suicide bombing in Kurdish capital

Residents in what was Iraq’s safest city fear an increase in jihadist attacks, reports Patrick Cockburn
Underwater photography competition winners 2014 - in pictures

'Mysterious and inviting' shot of diver wins photography competition

Stunning image of cenote in Mexico takes top prize
Sir John Major: Negative West End portrayals of politicians put people off voting

Sir John Major hits out at theatres

Negative West End portrayals of politicians put people off voting
Kicking Barbie's butt: How the growth of 3D printing enabled me to make an army of custom-made figurines

Kicking Barbie's butt

How the growth of 3D printing enabled toy-designer to make an army of custom-made figurines