Sophie Heawood: Kanye and Kim, the hottest couple of all time, ever, official

Share
Related Topics

The divorce of Katy Perry and Russell Brand is no bombshell. Brangelina, you'll have to do more than whip out a pasty leg at the Oscars if you wish to stay in our hearts and minds. For lo, there is a new power couple in town, and they've come for your crown. The rapper, producer, and all-round pop warrior Kanye West is stepping out with Kim Kardashian, the reality TV star whose celebrity marriage recently came to a tragic celebrity end after 72 long and hard celebrity days. Kanye and Kim, whose affair will be so intense that it's unlikely to last much beyond August, are the hottest couple of all time, ever. They've been papped eating in restaurants, staying at his apartment, going to the cinema, even going to a toy shop. He's written a song about falling in love with her! She says she likes it! Here's why you need to give a damn:

1. Kim Kardashian is pretty much the most attractive woman on the planet. Kanye isn't quite so gorgeous, but he dresses as if he's crashed into Tate Modern on a private jet, which is a big look. He struts around like a brave little matador, but in fact, he is a bull – a bull who bought the china shop and had it refurbished in 16th-century Venetian glass with titanium shelving units and ermine till receipts. So powerful – but so cute! And a little needy. If life is an episode of Danger Mouse, which it may be, then the appeal of Kanye is that he believes he is Baron von Greenback when he's actually Penfold. And now he's shagging Jessica Rabbit. This is too good.

2. As Kanye memorably tweeted last year: "Fur pillows are actually hard to sleep on." This relationship is not for sleeping. If he didn't already have mirrors above his bed, he'll have them now, because Kanye and Kim are what sex was invented for; it's just that sex has had to wait a few million years before it found them. He raps about wanting porn stars, money and women, and then about what an asshole he is to desire such shallowness, Now he has found the most exquisite specimen of shallowness possible.

3. I was going to make a fatuous joke about how he would probably stop mid-shag to take a photo, but a celebrity gossip website suggests that he has already, allegedly, done this. It the image doesn't show their faces, what it does show is, um, HOT. If Kanye and Kim ever release a sex tape it will get 20 million views, 19 million by Kanye.

4. They will last five months at the most. But that does not rule out an enormous white wedding in the Bahamas, annulment, remarriage in a small register office ceremony attended by only 300 close relatives and 47 camera crews, divorce, and an intimate spiritual renewal of their vows in front of the pandas at Edinburgh zoo. Then a three-season spin-off reality show in which they reflect on how they were just "naive".

5. If Kim and Kanye make a baby the internet will actually explode. Leaving me with more time to stop fantasising about other people's sex lives and do something productive. I'm counting the days.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Sauce Recruitment: Retail Planning Manager - Home Entertainment UK

salary equal to £40K pro-rata: Sauce Recruitment: Are you available to start a...

Ashdown Group: Front-End Developer - London - up to £40,000

£35000 - £40000 per annum: Ashdown Group: Creative Front-End Developer - Claph...

Recruitment Genius: Product Quality Assurance Technologist - Hardline & Electric

£18000 - £24000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: The role in this successful eco...

Ashdown Group: QA Tester - London - £30,000

£28000 - £30000 per annum: Ashdown Group: QA Tester - London - £30,000 QA Tes...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

CPAC 2015: What I learnt from the US — and what the US could learn from Ukip

Nigel Farage
 

If I were Prime Minister: I would create a government that actually reflects its people

Kaliya Franklin
HIV pill: Scientists hail discovery of 'game-changer' that cuts the risk of infection among gay men by 86%

Scientists hail daily pill that protects against HIV infection

Breakthrough in battle against global scourge – but will the NHS pay for it?
How we must adjust our lifestyles to nature: Welcome to the 'Anthropocene', the human epoch

Time to play God

Welcome to the 'Anthropocene', the human epoch where we may need to redefine nature itself
MacGyver returns, but with a difference: Handyman hero of classic 1980s TV series to be recast as a woman

MacGyver returns, but with a difference

Handyman hero of classic 1980s TV series to be recast as a woman
Tunnel renaissance: Why cities are hiding roads down in the ground

Tunnel renaissance

Why cities are hiding roads underground
'Backstreet Boys - Show 'Em What You're Made Of': An affectionate look at five middle-aged men

Boys to men

The Backstreet Boys might be middle-aged, married and have dodgy knees, but a heartfelt documentary reveals they’re not going gently into pop’s good night
Crufts 2015: Should foreign dogs be allowed to compete?

Crufts 2015

Should foreign dogs be allowed to compete?
10 best projectors

How to make your home cinema more cinematic: 10 best projectors

Want to recreate the big-screen experience in your sitting room? IndyBest sizes up gadgets to form your film-watching
Manchester City 1 Barcelona 2 player ratings: Luis Suarez? Lionel Messi? Joe Hart? Who was the star man?

Manchester City vs Barcelona player ratings

Luis Suarez? Lionel Messi? Joe Hart? Who was the star man at the Etihad?
Arsenal vs Monaco: Monaco - the making of Gunners' manager Arsene Wenger

Monaco: the making of Wenger

Jack Pitt-Brooke speaks to former players and learns the Frenchman’s man-management has always been one of his best skills
Cricket World Cup 2015: Chris Gayle - the West Indies' enigma lives up to his reputation

Chris Gayle: The West Indies' enigma

Some said the game's eternal rebel was washed up. As ever, he proved he writes the scripts by producing a blistering World Cup innings
In Ukraine a dark world of hybrid warfare and murky loyalties prevails

In Ukraine a dark world of hybrid warfare

This war in the shadows has been going on since the fall of Mr Yanukovych
'Birdman' and 'Bullets Over Broadway': Homage or plagiarism?

Homage or plagiarism?

'Birdman' shares much DNA with Woody Allen's 'Bullets Over Broadway'
Broadchurch ends as damp squib not even David Tennant can revive

A damp squib not even David Tennant can revive

Broadchurch, Series 2 finale, review
A Koi carp breeding pond, wall-mounted iPads and a bathroom with a 'wellness' shower: inside the mansion of Germany's 'Bishop of Bling'

Inside the mansion of Germany's 'Bishop of Bling'

A Koi carp breeding pond, wall-mounted iPads and a bathroom with a 'wellness' shower