Sophie Heawood: Kanye and Kim, the hottest couple of all time, ever, official

  • @heawood

The divorce of Katy Perry and Russell Brand is no bombshell. Brangelina, you'll have to do more than whip out a pasty leg at the Oscars if you wish to stay in our hearts and minds. For lo, there is a new power couple in town, and they've come for your crown. The rapper, producer, and all-round pop warrior Kanye West is stepping out with Kim Kardashian, the reality TV star whose celebrity marriage recently came to a tragic celebrity end after 72 long and hard celebrity days. Kanye and Kim, whose affair will be so intense that it's unlikely to last much beyond August, are the hottest couple of all time, ever. They've been papped eating in restaurants, staying at his apartment, going to the cinema, even going to a toy shop. He's written a song about falling in love with her! She says she likes it! Here's why you need to give a damn:

1. Kim Kardashian is pretty much the most attractive woman on the planet. Kanye isn't quite so gorgeous, but he dresses as if he's crashed into Tate Modern on a private jet, which is a big look. He struts around like a brave little matador, but in fact, he is a bull – a bull who bought the china shop and had it refurbished in 16th-century Venetian glass with titanium shelving units and ermine till receipts. So powerful – but so cute! And a little needy. If life is an episode of Danger Mouse, which it may be, then the appeal of Kanye is that he believes he is Baron von Greenback when he's actually Penfold. And now he's shagging Jessica Rabbit. This is too good.

2. As Kanye memorably tweeted last year: "Fur pillows are actually hard to sleep on." This relationship is not for sleeping. If he didn't already have mirrors above his bed, he'll have them now, because Kanye and Kim are what sex was invented for; it's just that sex has had to wait a few million years before it found them. He raps about wanting porn stars, money and women, and then about what an asshole he is to desire such shallowness, Now he has found the most exquisite specimen of shallowness possible.

3. I was going to make a fatuous joke about how he would probably stop mid-shag to take a photo, but a celebrity gossip website suggests that he has already, allegedly, done this. It the image doesn't show their faces, what it does show is, um, HOT. If Kanye and Kim ever release a sex tape it will get 20 million views, 19 million by Kanye.

4. They will last five months at the most. But that does not rule out an enormous white wedding in the Bahamas, annulment, remarriage in a small register office ceremony attended by only 300 close relatives and 47 camera crews, divorce, and an intimate spiritual renewal of their vows in front of the pandas at Edinburgh zoo. Then a three-season spin-off reality show in which they reflect on how they were just "naive".

5. If Kim and Kanye make a baby the internet will actually explode. Leaving me with more time to stop fantasising about other people's sex lives and do something productive. I'm counting the days.