Sophie Heawood: We love you for more than your pollen, chaps

Our writer savours modern life just as it is, for both sexes

Share
Related Topics

As I lay half-naked on a sun-lounger in Ibiza this week, I thought a lot about sperm. Flicking through the newspaper, I learnt that breakthroughs in synthetic man-milk have made the future of the less-fair sex less, erm, fair. Like the family on EastEnders who find the scriptwriters mysteriously moving them "up north" until their further usefulness to the plot can be established, gents will soon find themselves surplus to society's requirements.

At least, that was the suggestion. It's rubbish, of course – women love men for more than their pollen. Chaps, we know that you are people, not gonad donors. But, I must admit, now women have come so far, that it is hard not to want to exploit you just a teeny little bit. Indeed, the lovely beach bar where I lounged belongs to my friend Mandy, a hugely successful businesswoman who seems to run half of Ibiza. She only employs waiters who are disgustingly attractive, and oh I tried to disapprove.

But as yet another glistening hunk crushed ice into my Mojito, it proved hard not to reflect that the bit of third-wave feminism where women become as exploitative as men was really working out quite well for me.

For those of us not stuck under the Taliban, there has never been a better time to be a woman. This month's Vogue, for example, has a feature on how the new wave of political activists are bright young women. "This is our time to speak out," says one. Berlusconi couldn't get his wife to help host the G8 summit because she's finally told him and his philandering ways to stuffo offo.

The pop charts, especially, are full of females like never before, and no, they're not all over-produced products of a masculine music agenda.

Elly Jackson of La Roux is androgynous, with her shrill, high voice, big shoulders and long trousers, wearing make-up as warpaint, not cover-up. She's got to number one without taking her clothes off. Fans tell her it's so encouraging to see somebody up there who doesn't dress like they are made to feel girls should.

Lily Allen complains in song about how her rubbish ex made her lie in the wet patch after she'd spent ages giving head. And Lady Gaga, who started off looking like a scantily-clad attention-seeker, now turns out to be a classical pianist who's taking over the pop world with odd videos where she parades past the paparazzi in a wheelchair.

Katy Perry, who topped the charts here and in America by singing about kissing a girl and liking it, has just had her outrageous costumes confiscated by Turkish customs. (Perhaps they were mistaken for livestock, or investigated by the fashion police.)

Beyoncé's recent stadium tour was the most extraordinary show I've ever seen – every moment an exploration of gender, whether she was belting out that "a diva is a female version of a hustler" or her song "If I Were a Boy", or introducing the audience to the all-woman band that she had specially chosen, "because it's important to me to support other women" (to huge cheers). Those musicians then indulged in lengthy drum and guitar solos.

Then there's a new American R&B group called Electrik Red – made up of four women who sing: "I wonder if you know the truth – y'all don't fuck us, we fuck you".

Someone asked me the other day if I find it hard being a journalist in such a sexist industry. I just had to laugh. Thanks to the massive efforts made by past generations and the legislation that went before me, I can't say I've ever encountered any sexism.

Sexism schmexism – we're having a ball. Or should that be balls?

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Sustainability Manager

Competitive: The Green Recruitment Company: Job Title: Scheme Manager (BREEAM)...

Graduate Sustainability Professional

Flexible, depending on experience: The Green Recruitment Company: Job Title: T...

Programme Director - Conduct Risk - London

£850 - £950 per day: Orgtel: Programme Director - Conduct Risk - Banking - £85...

Project Coordinator/Order Entry, SC Clear

£100 - £110 per day: Orgtel: Project Coordinator/Order Entry Hampshire

Day In a Page

Read Next
Former N-Dubz singer Tulisa Contostavlos gives a statement outside Southwark Crown Court after her trial  

It would be wrong to compare brave Tulisa’s ordeal with phone hacking. It’s much worse than that

Matthew Norman
The Big Society Network was assessed as  

What became of Cameron's Big Society Network?

Oliver Wright
Noel Fielding's 'Luxury Comedy': A land of the outright bizarre

Noel Fielding's 'Luxury Comedy'

A land of the outright bizarre
What are the worst 'Word Crimes'?

What are the worst 'Word Crimes'?

‘Weird Al’ Yankovic's latest video is an ode to good grammar. But what do The Independent’s experts think he’s missed out?
Can Secret Cinema sell 80,000 'Back to the Future' tickets?

The worst kept secret in cinema

A cult movie event aims to immerse audiences of 80,000 in ‘Back to the Future’. But has it lost its magic?
Facebook: The new hatched, matched and dispatched

The new hatched, matched and dispatched

Family events used to be marked in the personal columns. But now Facebook has usurped the ‘Births, Deaths and Marriages’ announcements
Why do we have blood types?

Are you my type?

All of us have one but probably never wondered why. Yet even now, a century after blood types were discovered, it’s a matter of debate what they’re for
Honesty box hotels: You decide how much you pay

Honesty box hotels

Five hotels in Paris now allow guests to pay only what they think their stay was worth. It seems fraught with financial risk, but the honesty policy has its benefit
Commonwealth Games 2014: Why weight of pressure rests easy on Michael Jamieson’s shoulders

Michael Jamieson: Why weight of pressure rests easy on his shoulders

The Scottish swimmer is ready for ‘the biggest race of my life’ at the Commonwealth Games
Some are reformed drug addicts. Some are single mums. All are on benefits. But now these so-called 'scroungers’ are fighting back

The 'scroungers’ fight back

The welfare claimants battling to alter stereotypes
Amazing video shows Nasa 'flame extinguishment experiment' in action

Fireballs in space

Amazing video shows Nasa's 'flame extinguishment experiment' in action
A Bible for billionaires

A Bible for billionaires

Find out why America's richest men are reading John Brookes
Paranoid parenting is on the rise - and our children are suffering because of it

Paranoid parenting is on the rise

And our children are suffering because of it
For sale: Island where the Magna Carta was sealed

Magna Carta Island goes on sale

Yours for a cool £4m
Phone hacking scandal special report: The slide into crime at the 'News of the World'

The hacker's tale: the slide into crime at the 'News of the World'

Glenn Mulcaire was jailed for six months for intercepting phone messages. James Hanning tells his story in a new book. This is an extract
We flinch, but there are degrees of paedophilia

We flinch, but there are degrees of paedophilia

Child abusers are not all the same, yet the idea of treating them differently in relation to the severity of their crimes has somehow become controversial
The truth about conspiracy theories is that some require considering

The truth about conspiracy theories is that some require considering

For instance, did Isis kill the Israeli teenagers to trigger a war, asks Patrick Cockburn