Sophie Heawood: We love you for more than your pollen, chaps

Our writer savours modern life just as it is, for both sexes

Share
Related Topics

As I lay half-naked on a sun-lounger in Ibiza this week, I thought a lot about sperm. Flicking through the newspaper, I learnt that breakthroughs in synthetic man-milk have made the future of the less-fair sex less, erm, fair. Like the family on EastEnders who find the scriptwriters mysteriously moving them "up north" until their further usefulness to the plot can be established, gents will soon find themselves surplus to society's requirements.

At least, that was the suggestion. It's rubbish, of course – women love men for more than their pollen. Chaps, we know that you are people, not gonad donors. But, I must admit, now women have come so far, that it is hard not to want to exploit you just a teeny little bit. Indeed, the lovely beach bar where I lounged belongs to my friend Mandy, a hugely successful businesswoman who seems to run half of Ibiza. She only employs waiters who are disgustingly attractive, and oh I tried to disapprove.

But as yet another glistening hunk crushed ice into my Mojito, it proved hard not to reflect that the bit of third-wave feminism where women become as exploitative as men was really working out quite well for me.

For those of us not stuck under the Taliban, there has never been a better time to be a woman. This month's Vogue, for example, has a feature on how the new wave of political activists are bright young women. "This is our time to speak out," says one. Berlusconi couldn't get his wife to help host the G8 summit because she's finally told him and his philandering ways to stuffo offo.

The pop charts, especially, are full of females like never before, and no, they're not all over-produced products of a masculine music agenda.

Elly Jackson of La Roux is androgynous, with her shrill, high voice, big shoulders and long trousers, wearing make-up as warpaint, not cover-up. She's got to number one without taking her clothes off. Fans tell her it's so encouraging to see somebody up there who doesn't dress like they are made to feel girls should.

Lily Allen complains in song about how her rubbish ex made her lie in the wet patch after she'd spent ages giving head. And Lady Gaga, who started off looking like a scantily-clad attention-seeker, now turns out to be a classical pianist who's taking over the pop world with odd videos where she parades past the paparazzi in a wheelchair.

Katy Perry, who topped the charts here and in America by singing about kissing a girl and liking it, has just had her outrageous costumes confiscated by Turkish customs. (Perhaps they were mistaken for livestock, or investigated by the fashion police.)

Beyoncé's recent stadium tour was the most extraordinary show I've ever seen – every moment an exploration of gender, whether she was belting out that "a diva is a female version of a hustler" or her song "If I Were a Boy", or introducing the audience to the all-woman band that she had specially chosen, "because it's important to me to support other women" (to huge cheers). Those musicians then indulged in lengthy drum and guitar solos.

Then there's a new American R&B group called Electrik Red – made up of four women who sing: "I wonder if you know the truth – y'all don't fuck us, we fuck you".

Someone asked me the other day if I find it hard being a journalist in such a sexist industry. I just had to laugh. Thanks to the massive efforts made by past generations and the legislation that went before me, I can't say I've ever encountered any sexism.

Sexism schmexism – we're having a ball. Or should that be balls?

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Market Administrator (1st line Support, Bloomberg, Broker)

Negotiable: Harrington Starr: Market Administrator (1st line Support, Trade Fl...

Service Desk Analyst (Windows, Active Directory, ITIL, Reuter)

£35000 per annum: Harrington Starr: Service Desk Analyst (Windows, Active Dire...

Data Support Analyst (Linux, Solaris, Windows Server, Reuters)

Negotiable: Harrington Starr: Data Support Analyst (Linux, Solaris, Windows Se...

Helpdesk Support Engineer (Windows, MS Office, Exchange)

Negotiable: Harrington Starr: Helpdesk Support Engineer (Windows, MS Office, E...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Letters: The West flounders in the Middle East morass

Independent Voices
David Tennant as Hamlet  

To vote no or not to vote no, that is the question... Although do celebrities really have the answer?

David Lister
All this talk of an ‘apocalyptic’ threat is simply childish

Robert Fisk: All this talk of an ‘apocalyptic’ threat is simply childish

Chuck Hagel and Martin Dempsey were pure Hollywood. They only needed Tom Cruise
Mafia Dons: is the Camorra in control of the Granite City?

Mafia Dons: is the Camorra in control of the Granite City?

So claims an EU report which points to the Italian Mob’s alleged grip on everything from public works to property
Emmys look set to overhaul the Oscars as Hollywood’s prize draw

Emmys look set to overhaul the Oscars as Hollywood’s prize draw

Once the poor relation, the awards show now has the top stars and boasts the best drama
What happens to African migrants once they land in Italy during the summer?

What happens to migrants once they land in Italy?

Memphis Barker follows their trail through southern Europe
French connection: After 1,300 years, there’s a bridge to Mont Saint-Michel

French connection: After 1,300 years, there’s a bridge to Mont Saint-Michel

The ugly causeway is being dismantled, an elegant connection erected in its place. So everyone’s happy, right?
Frank Mugisha: Uganda's most outspoken gay rights activist on changing people's attitudes, coming out, and the threat of being attacked

Frank Mugisha: 'Coming out was a gradual process '

Uganda's most outspoken gay rights activist on changing people's attitudes, coming out, and the threat of being attacked
Radio 1 to hire 'YouTube-famous' vloggers to broadcast online

Radio 1’s new top ten

The ‘vloggers’ signed up to find twentysomething audience
David Abraham: Big ideas for the small screen

David Abraham: Big ideas for the small screen

A blistering attack on US influence on British television has lifted the savvy head of Channel 4 out of the shadows
Florence Knight's perfect picnic: Make the most of summer's last Bank Holiday weekend

Florence Knight's perfect picnic

Polpetto's head chef shares her favourite recipes from Iced Earl Grey tea to baked peaches, mascarpone & brown sugar meringues...
Horst P Horst: The fashion photography genius who inspired Madonna comes to the V&A

Horst P Horst comes to the V&A

The London's museum has delved into its archives to stage a far-reaching retrospective celebrating the photographer's six decades of creativity
Mark Hix recipes: Try our chef's summery soups for a real seasonal refresher

Mark Hix's summery soups

Soup isn’t just about comforting broths and steaming hot bowls...
Tim Sherwood column: 'It started as a three-horse race but turned into the Grand National'

Tim Sherwood column

I would have taken the Crystal Palace job if I’d been offered it soon after my interview... but the whole process dragged on so I had to pull out
Eden Hazard: Young, gifted... not yet perfect

Eden Hazard: Young, gifted... not yet perfect

Eden Hazard admits he is still below the level of Ronaldo and Messi but, after a breakthrough season, is ready to thrill Chelsea’s fans
Tim Howard: I’m an old dog. I don’t get too excited

Tim Howard: I’m an old dog. I don’t get too excited

The Everton and US goalkeeper was such a star at the World Cup that the President phoned to congratulate him... not that he knows what the fuss is all about
Match of the Day at 50: Show reminds us that even the most revered BBC institution may have a finite lifespan – thanks to the opposition

Tom Peck on Match of the Day at 50

The show reminds us that even the most revered BBC institution may have a finite lifespan – thanks to the opposition