Start your day with a pinch of best poodle

Share

We're in Chadwell Heath, Essex, ladies and gentlemen, and we're about to burglarise a house. Having gained access, we are rooting through drawers and cupboards, looking, obviously, for hidden valuables, when we come upon something unexpected - a bag of white powder, with the word "Charlie" inscribed upon it.

We're in Chadwell Heath, Essex, ladies and gentlemen, and we're about to burglarise a house. Having gained access, we are rooting through drawers and cupboards, looking, obviously, for hidden valuables, when we come upon something unexpected - a bag of white powder, with the word "Charlie" inscribed upon it.

This is fantastic, we think. Not unnaturally, we tip the contents on to the coffee table, get out a 10 quid note, and have a good snort each. Then we sit about for a while, waiting for the effects to kick in, but nothing seems to be happening. Why not? Well, maybe because the white powder in question is the ashes of a dead dog. The dog's name was, of course, Charlie.

The owner of the ex-animal, one Dee Blyth, said, "It was horrible knowing they were in my house, but the idea of them trying to get high on a dog certainly made me feel a bit better." Quite. But what I want to know is, what if it worked? What if snorting the cremated bones of an animal turns out to be a new drug breakthrough of Pasteural proportions?

Picture our burglarous chums, sitting back in Chadwell Heath, as the drug begins coursing through their system. Suddenly, they are overwhelmed by the need to get out of the house, run about for a bit, and bark at buses. They hit the nearest pub, lured by the enticing aroma of beef & Guinness pie, when Burglar A is unexpectedly overcome with the desire to sniff Burglar B's bottom. Burglar C, meanwhile, has his drooling head in the lap of someone who just happens to be eating a bag of crisps. I won't tell you what Burglar D is doing to the leg of the elderly matron; suffice it to say it turns out to be an unexpected treat for both of them.

Meanwhile, word has reached the ears of the ruthless barons who control the drug industry. The staff of Battersea Dog's Home are woken at midnight by leather-coated men in sunglasses and big hats who offer to "take the lot". Soon, no sophisticated West London dinner party is complete without little silver bowls on the table containing the remains of a high-grade Colombian chow. Advertising executives find that starting the day with a pinch of poodle really helps the creative juices to flow.

Police will raid the homes of suspected dealers, only to find their sniffer dogs disappearing on arrival. Politicians, meanwhile, will be falling over each other trying to gain a few points of hip credibility. "I tried it when I was at university," they will say. "It didn't do anything for me, but I can still balance a biscuit on the end of my nose." Others will voice their concern that sniffing dead dogs leads to harder things. Like horse, for example. Show-biz personalities will have their sordid stories splashed all over the tabloids. "How the occasional line of lurcher led me into animal-snorting hell. I was on half an elephant a day."

Liberals will call for legalisation. "If I want to sniff the cremated bones of a dead animal in the privacy of my own home, that's my business and nobody else's. Besides, it's not as bad as alcohol." Conservatives will make fools of themselves with public pronouncements at party conferences: "Anybody found with traces of a deceased animal on their person will be fined a million pounds. Unless they're a vet." Reams of newspaper space will be taken up by arguments for and against.

Worried parents will write to agony aunts: "My seven-year-old wants a hamster. What should I do?" Pet shops will be shut down. Blue Peter presenters will have their animals taken from them. The phrase "going to the dogs," will take on a whole new meaning. As will "barking mad." As will "got any skunk?"

And those of us who wish to engage in harmless activities such as growing plants in our window-sills and smoking them will, finally, be left alone.

React Now

  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Project Implementation Executive

£18000 - £23000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: They work with major vehicle ma...

Recruitment Genius: Chiropractic Assistant

£16500 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Chiropractic Assistant is needed in a ...

Recruitment Genius: Digital Account Executive - Midlands

£18000 - £26000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: They work with major vehicle ma...

Recruitment Genius: Web Developer

£28000 - £30000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This company provides coaching ...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Errors & Omissions: how to spell BBQ and other linguistic irregularities

Guy Keleny
 

South Africa's race problem is less between black and white than between poor blacks and immigrants from sub-Saharan Africa

John Carlin
NHS struggling to monitor the safety and efficacy of its services outsourced to private providers

Who's monitoring the outsourced NHS services?

A report finds that private firms are not being properly assessed for their quality of care
Zac Goldsmith: 'I'll trigger a by-election over Heathrow'

Zac Goldsmith: 'I'll trigger a by-election over Heathrow'

The Tory MP said he did not want to stand again unless his party's manifesto ruled out a third runway. But he's doing so. Watch this space
How do Greek voters feel about Syriza's backtracking on its anti-austerity pledge?

How do Greeks feel about Syriza?

Five voters from different backgrounds tell us what they expect from Syriza's charismatic leader Alexis Tsipras
From Iraq to Libya and Syria: The wars that come back to haunt us

The wars that come back to haunt us

David Cameron should not escape blame for his role in conflicts that are still raging, argues Patrick Cockburn
Sam Baker and Lauren Laverne: Too busy to surf? Head to The Pool

Too busy to surf? Head to The Pool

A new website is trying to declutter the internet to help busy women. Holly Williams meets the founders
Heston Blumenthal to cook up a spice odyssey for British astronaut manning the International Space Station

UK's Major Tum to blast off on a spice odyssey

Nothing but the best for British astronaut as chef Heston Blumenthal cooks up his rations
John Harrison's 'longitude' clock sets new record - 300 years on

‘Longitude’ clock sets new record - 300 years on

Greenwich horologists celebrate as it keeps to within a second of real time over a 100-day test
Fears in the US of being outgunned in the vital propaganda wars by Russia, China - and even Isis - have prompted a rethink on overseas broadcasters

Let the propaganda wars begin - again

'Accurate, objective, comprehensive': that was Voice of America's creed, but now its masters want it to promote US policy, reports Rupert Cornwell
Why Japan's incredible long-distance runners will never win the London Marathon

Japan's incredible long-distance runners

Every year, Japanese long-distance runners post some of the world's fastest times – yet, come next weekend, not a single elite competitor from the country will be at the London Marathon
Why does Tom Drury remain the greatest writer you've never heard of?

Tom Drury: The quiet American

His debut was considered one of the finest novels of the past 50 years, and he is every bit the equal of his contemporaries, Jonathan Franzen, Dave Eggers and David Foster Wallace
You should judge a person by how they peel a potato

You should judge a person by how they peel a potato

Dave Hax's domestic tips are reminiscent of George Orwell's tea routine. The world might need revolution, but we like to sweat the small stuff, says DJ Taylor
Beige is back: The drab car colours of the 1970s are proving popular again

Beige to the future

Flares and flounce are back on catwalks but a revival in ’70s car paintjobs was a stack-heeled step too far – until now
Bill Granger recipes: Our chef's dishes highlight the delicate essence of fresh cheeses

Bill Granger cooks with fresh cheeses

More delicate on the palate, milder, fresh cheeses can also be kinder to the waistline
Aston Villa vs Liverpool: 'This FA Cup run has been wonderful,' says veteran Shay Given

Shay Given: 'This FA Cup run has been wonderful'

The Villa keeper has been overlooked for a long time and has unhappy memories of the national stadium – but he is savouring his chance to play at Wembley
Timeless drama of Championship race in league of its own - Michael Calvin

Michael Calvin's Last Word

Timeless drama of Championship race in league of its own