Ten reasons why I hate Santa

Share
Related Topics

1. He gave me an illuminated globe for Christmas when I was 11. Who gives an 11-year-old boy an illuminated globe? Why did I get that while Adam - who was a really nasty piece of work - got Reebok trainers and a Sega Mega Drive?

2. He always drank the sherry we left and scoffed the mince pie but he left his reindeer starving. I know this because we left a carrot and it was only ever nibbled. Why do the reindeer who have to pull the selfish bastard only get a tiny bit of carrot?

3. He gives amazing presents to rich kids and bugger all to the poor ones! George Osborne, it's Christmas Eve… what are you doing with that sleigh? And why are you wearing a beard?

4. He allows stupid people to bore me every year with the "fact" that Coca-Cola made him red and white when this is known to be complete rubbish. He was always red because that is the colour of ecclesiastical robes and he began his miserable life as the Bishop of Myra and he doesn't even drink Coke, he drinks sherry.

5. He enters your house by the chimney when he could magic his way through the front door. If you invited me round for dinner and I came down your chimney you'd be annoyed, too.

6. He has lots of different names. Who is he, Prince? Father Christmas. You are not my father, my father's called Dave! Saint Nicholas. Saint? ILLUMINATED GLOBE. 11-YEAR-OLD BOY.

7. He drinks and drives. See the sherry reference (2). He visits 303 million houses on Christmas night. Let's assume 1 in 3 of them offers a tipple. That's 101 million sherries. Or 2 million litres of 22 per cent strength fortified wine.

8. He has a naughty list. Who made him the god of good behaviour? He whips reindeer! I suspect animal rights activists would give Mr C a big fat lump of coal.

9. He makes everyone's presents in his slave labour camp in Lapland. Have you ever seen an elf in Nandos? Nope. They're all locked inside some underground sweatshop making Nintendos and iPads.

10. Someone saw their mummy kissing Santa Claus. Well, I shan't be crude but in 1996 I saw him doing much worse next door.

React Now

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

SEN Teacher

£110 - £125 per day: Randstad Education Chelmsford: We are urgently seeking a ...

Training Programme Manager (Learning and Development)-London

£28000 - £32000 per annum + benefits: Ashdown Group: Training Programme Manage...

Training/Learning and Development Coordinator -London

£28000 - £32000 per annum: Ashdown Group: Training/Learning and Development Co...

Year 5/6 Teacher

£100 - £120 per day: Randstad Education Chelmsford: The successful applicant w...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

The daily catch-up: Joe on Vlad, banks of the Jordan and Blair's radicalism

John Rentoul
 

Believe me, I said, there’s nothing rural about this urban borough’s attempt at a country fair

John Walsh
Some are reformed drug addicts. Some are single mums. All are on benefits. But now these so-called 'scroungers’ are fighting back

The 'scroungers’ fight back

The welfare claimants battling to alter stereotypes
Amazing video shows Nasa 'flame extinguishment experiment' in action

Fireballs in space

Amazing video shows Nasa's 'flame extinguishment experiment' in action
A Bible for billionaires

A Bible for billionaires

Find out why America's richest men are reading John Brookes
Paranoid parenting is on the rise - and our children are suffering because of it

Paranoid parenting is on the rise

And our children are suffering because of it
For sale: Island where the Magna Carta was sealed

Magna Carta Island goes on sale

Yours for a cool £4m
Phone hacking scandal special report: The slide into crime at the 'News of the World'

The hacker's tale: the slide into crime at the 'News of the World'

Glenn Mulcaire was jailed for six months for intercepting phone messages. James Hanning tells his story in a new book. This is an extract
We flinch, but there are degrees of paedophilia

We flinch, but there are degrees of paedophilia

Child abusers are not all the same, yet the idea of treating them differently in relation to the severity of their crimes has somehow become controversial
The truth about conspiracy theories is that some require considering

The truth about conspiracy theories is that some require considering

For instance, did Isis kill the Israeli teenagers to trigger a war, asks Patrick Cockburn
Alistair Carmichael: 'The UK as a whole is greater than the sum of its parts'

Alistair Carmichael: 'The UK as a whole is greater than the sum of its parts'

Meet the man who doesn't want to go down in history as the country's last Scottish Secretary
Legoland Windsor's master model-makers reveal the tricks of their trade (including how to stop the kids wrecking your Eiffel Tower)

Meet the people who play with Lego for a living

They are the master builders: Lego's crack team of model-makers, who have just glued down the last of 650,000 bricks as they recreate Paris in Windsor. Susie Mesure goes behind the scenes
The 20 best days out for the summer holidays: From Spitfires to summer ferry sailings

20 best days out for the summer holidays

From summer ferry sailings in Tyne and Wear and adventure days at Bear Grylls Survival Academy to Spitfires at the Imperial War Museum Duxford and bog-snorkelling at the World Alternative Games...
Open-air theatres: If all the world is a stage, then everyone gets in on the act

All the wood’s a stage

Open-air productions are the cue for better box-office receipts, new audiences, more interesting artistic challenges – and a picnic
Rand Paul is a Republican with an eye on the world

Rupert Cornwell: A Republican with an eye on the world

Rand Paul is laying out his presidential stall by taking on his party's disastrous record on foreign policy
Self-preservation society: Pickles are moving from the side of your plate to become the star dish

Self-preservation society

Pickles are moving from the side of your plate to become the star dish
Generation gap opens a career sinkhole

Britons live ever longer, but still society persists in glorifying youth

We are living longer but considered 'past it' younger, the reshuffle suggests. There may be trouble ahead, says DJ Taylor