Within weeks, the stampede for university places will begin. Many of our most dynamic young people, perhaps in the wake of disappointing A-level results, will be deciding on the next three years of their lives, often with all the wisdom of a wildebeest embarking on its annual migration.
So it is good news that the increasingly popular University of East Sheen, formerly known as Lambert Road Polytechnic, has broadened its curriculum to appeal to a wide cross-section of applicants. As its latest prospectus puts it, "True to our motto Acceptemus Omnes Tosspoti et Thickotes, we at the UES are great believers in the three key words of modern tertiary education: 'accessibility', 'relevance' and 'fees'." A glance through the list of courses reveals a wealth of academic opportunity.
Bingeism and the rise of leglessness in contemporary British society
Few areas present a greater challenge to today's students than that of binge-drinking. But what exactly is a binge? Can a line be drawn between getting a few down you and getting totally rat-arsed? Can a line be drawn at all? What's drawing lines got to do with anything? Are you going to get your round in or what? Stupid, who are you calling stupid? These are some of the questions which bingeologists will be expected to answer during the year. The course will involve weekend work.
Liddle Studies: deconstructing the modern celebrity divorce with particular reference to Spectator parties and manure deliveries.
Liddle Studies promises to be one of the most exciting courses to emerge from the UES's Faculty of Celebrity Relationships. Students will be expected to have a working knowledge of media personalities and will be analysing different public versions of private unhappiness presented by Rod Liddle, Mrs Liddle and the other participants. At the end of the year, students will be answering such questions as: "What do you consider most harmful to Rod's public image: a) carrying on with another woman while arranging his marriage; b) using hair-dye; c) being found with a half-used packet of Viagra in his pocket.
Sir Ga-Wayne and the Green Light: some Roo-diments of modern football writing
The UES's literature department is frankly over the Roon to have discovered a new Wayne to bring some brand Roo Wayniness to the study of English! Roo-dents will be expected to explore the totally Rooney puns with which roo-pid sports writers have celebrated the new Roon sweeping th-Roo the Wayning English football scene.
Sports Spectator Injuries, their treatment and care
Other universities offer sports physiotherapy courses. The UES goes a step further, providing qualifications for the growing area of spectator injuries. By the end of this course, you will know how to treat muscle strains caused by a TV viewer's celebration of a goal after hours of torpor, or that crick in the neck caused by watching a golf ball fly through the air, or the problem of TV remote repetitive strain injury.
"I'll have a vowel please, Carol": a multidisciplinary approach to Countdown
This course is designed to make Mathematics "add up" for its undergraduates. To enrol in the study of Countdown, all you will need to do is to get up in time for the Channel 4 programme and, at the end of the year, be prepared to answer a few key questions from a range of related disciplines, including Maths, English and Celebrity Studies. You may be asked what on earth Carol Vorderman is still doing on the programme, or how it is the washed-up celeb in the Dictionary Corner is always an expert lexicographer. Answers must be completed within 30 seconds to the accompaniment of an annoying jingle.
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