Terence Blacker: A guide to the new eco-religion

Once the church of Green Faith exists there will be no room for agnostics

Share
Related Topics

So at last, it is official. Personal convictions about the environment are no longer to be regarded as matters of logic or science, but belong to the world of faith. As from this week, they are subject to the 2003 Religion and Belief Act. A belief in global warming has been put on the same legal footing as a belief in the resurrection or the existence of hell.

While the position regarding employment rights is now clear – you can refuse to do anything which offends your green beliefs, however daft – there is some uncertainty as to how this will impinge on our daily life.

Here, with the help of a green religious affairs adviser, are answers to the most pressing questions.

Will this be a formal new faith with a name?

Almost certainly. It will no longer enough to be vaguely concerned about the environment, to play one's part by doing a bit of recycling and cutting back on plastic bags. Once the Church of Green Faith has been established, there will be no room for agnostics or floating voters. Believers will be encouraged to go out and spread the message of fear and guilt wherever they go.

How will it be publicised?

There is already talk at the BBC of replacing Thought for the Day with Emission of the Day, in which one of the high priests of green faith – John Prescott, perhaps, or Stella McCartney – will deliver an environmental homily. The current requirement that the BBC should include at least one scary story about the state of the planet in every news bulletin will be more strictly enforced.

What about converting children to the faith?

This is all about our children and our grandchildren. We need to be able to able to look them in the eye and tell them that we did our duty as crusaders of green faith. In schools, footage of melting glaciers, worried-looking polar bears, chain-saws and dead fish will be shown at daily assemblies. Any child heard expressing unacceptable comments will be and reported to the authorities.

How will the new faith affect our everyday life?

Believers will be expected to engage in simple acts of green faith during their daily routines – while dividing their rubbish, for example, or estimating their daily carbon footprint. They might repeat words of environmental wisdom from Al Gore or Leonard di Caprio, or perhaps sing a song written by Sting. The Church of Green Faith will be campaigning that the phrase "for the sake of the planet and the future of our kids" should become part of daily discourse, the equivalent of the Muslim phrase "inhshallah".

What of the non-believers?

A campaign to discredit anyone who questions the government's green policies is already in place. Now that environmentalism is officially a faith, then unacceptable attitudes towards it will become legally blasphemous.

Those who refuse to accept the basic tenets of the faith will be obliged to fall into line with the right-thinking majority, for the sake of the planet and the future of our kids.

terblacker@aol.com

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
SPONSORED FEATURES
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: UX Consultant

£35000 - £45000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: You will be working with a 8 st...

Recruitment Genius: Part-time Editor

£8000 - £12000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A unique opportunity has arisen ...

Recruitment Genius: Field Sales Executive

Negotiable: Recruitment Genius: An exceptional opportunity has arisen for a pa...

Recruitment Genius: Kitchen and Bathroom Installers

£18000 - £20000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This provider of designer kitch...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Jeb Bush's campaign will emphasise both his conservative record as a former governor of Florida and his commitment to building a more inclusive Republican Party  

American democracy is up for sale, and it’s a warning to us all

Shirley Williams
Pupils arrive at school with their parents at the start of a new school year  

School-run parents: be careful – very careful – what you wish for

Grace Dent
Orthorexia nervosa: How becoming obsessed with healthy eating can lead to malnutrition

Orthorexia nervosa

How becoming obsessed with healthy eating can lead to malnutrition
Lady Chatterley is not obscene, says TV director

Lady Chatterley’s Lover

Director Jed Mercurio on why DH Lawrence's novel 'is not an obscene story'
Farmers in tropical forests are training ants to kill off bigger pests

Set a pest to catch a pest

Farmers in tropical forests are training ants to kill off bigger pests
Mexico: A culture that celebrates darkness as an essential part of life

The dark side of Mexico

A culture that celebrates darkness as an essential part of life
Being sexually assaulted was not your fault, Chrissie Hynde. Don't tell other victims it was theirs

Being sexually assaulted was not your fault, Chrissie Hynde

Please don't tell other victims it was theirs
A nap a day could save your life - and here's why

A nap a day could save your life

A midday nap is 'associated with reduced blood pressure'
If men are so obsessed by sex, why do they clam up when confronted with the grisly realities?

If men are so obsessed by sex...

...why do they clam up when confronted with the grisly realities?
The comedy titans of Avalon on their attempt to save BBC3

Jon Thoday and Richard Allen-Turner

The comedy titans of Avalon on their attempt to save BBC3
The bathing machine is back... but with a difference

Rolling in the deep

The bathing machine is back but with a difference
Part-privatised tests, new age limits, driverless cars: Tories plot motoring revolution

Conservatives plot a motoring revolution

Draft report reveals biggest reform to regulations since driving test introduced in 1935
The Silk Roads that trace civilisation: Long before the West rose to power, Asian pathways were connecting peoples and places

The Silk Roads that trace civilisation

Long before the West rose to power, Asian pathways were connecting peoples and places
House of Lords: Outcry as donors, fixers and MPs caught up in expenses scandal are ennobled

The honours that shame Britain

Outcry as donors, fixers and MPs caught up in expenses scandal are ennobled
When it comes to street harassment, we need to talk about race

'When it comes to street harassment, we need to talk about race'

Why are black men living the stereotypes and why are we letting them get away with it?
International Tap Festival: Forget Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers - this dancing is improvised, spontaneous and rhythmic

International Tap Festival comes to the UK

Forget Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers - this dancing is improvised, spontaneous and rhythmic
War with Isis: Is Turkey's buffer zone in Syria a matter of self-defence – or just anti-Kurd?

Turkey's buffer zone in Syria: self-defence – or just anti-Kurd?

Ankara accused of exacerbating racial division by allowing Turkmen minority to cross the border