Terence Blacker: Trolls and micro-skirts are our brand

The giant screen in the Olympic Stadium could fill up with enraged, ill-spelt 'opinions'


Heaven knows, one tries to enter into the spirit of things at moments like these. The dear old Queen's anniversary. The East End Olympics. The great "Hurrah for Great Britain!" that will soon be echoing around the world. It is going to be tough, though. TV advertisements promoting the national brand have begun to appear. There are picnics, laughing, glossy people on a village green – modern, yes, but with a touch of that all-important national heritage in the background.

It is a ghastly mistake. The Britain that is being promoted by the advertising industry is a bland, middle-class Bransonised nightmare, a country where everyone has been cloned into a version of the grinning, egotistical Virgin billionaire. Foreigners expect the very opposite from the British. It is our nastiness – Ricky Gervais, Vinnie Jones, Jeremy Clarkson – that sells. We provide the grit in the global oyster. Fortunately, there is still time to refute all this in the Olympics opening ceremony.

It will open with the March of the Trolls. A heaving, scurfy mob of resentful tweeters, Facebook activists and message-board nutters will enter the stadium, each typing infuriated messages into a smart phone. The giant screen overlooking the stadium will fill up with their enraged, ill-spelt "opinions".

The Trolls will be followed by Slapperdance, a routine in which drunken girls in micro-skirts will celebrate the British weekend, tottering about on high heels, discarding their knickers, and beating each other up before falling over unconscious.

They in turn will be cleared by the Met Pets, comedy policemen in riot gear who will shout racist abuse at the international crowd while having their back pockets stuffed with money from a troupe called Fleet Street Bungers and Buggers which follows them around at all times.

With a change of pace, thousands of unsuccessful applicants for Britain's Got Talent will enter the stadium. A mighty choir will be formed to sing the country's unofficial anthem, Elton John's "Goodbye, England's Rose", hopelessly out of tune and weeping. Then, dramatically, a space will appear in the heart of the choir. Seated in a circle and shouting at one another, will be The Professional Controversialists – David Starkey, Melanie Phillips, Richard Dawkins, Julie Burchill, Rod Liddle, and Niall Ferguson. Backing vocals well up behind them. It is the Middle England Chorus, flailing the air angrily with rolled-up copies of the Daily Mail.

The Trolls, Slappers, Met Pets and talent show contestants reappear and are taking a final bow when an enormous shopping centre descends on them, filling the stadium with concrete and special offers. It will be bold, startling and the perfect way to present our great nation to the world. Let the Games commence!


React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Senior Private Client Solicitor - Gloucestershire

Excellent Salary: Austen Lloyd: Senior Private Client Solicitor - We are makin...

Microsoft Dynamics AX Support Developer

£50000 per annum + benefits: Progressive Recruitment: A unique and rare opport...

Insight Analyst – Permanent – Up to £40k – North London

£35000 - £40000 Per Annum plus 23 days holiday and pension scheme: Clearwater ...

People Change Manager

£260 - £325 per day: Progressive Recruitment: IT Trainer: E-Commerce Experienc...

Day In a Page

Read Next

We need to talk about homophobia in the police

George Gillett

i Editor's letter: Summer holidays are here... so what to do with the children?

Oliver Duff Oliver Duff
Noel Fielding's 'Luxury Comedy': A land of the outright bizarre

Noel Fielding's 'Luxury Comedy'

A land of the outright bizarre
What are the worst 'Word Crimes'?

What are the worst 'Word Crimes'?

‘Weird Al’ Yankovic's latest video is an ode to good grammar. But what do The Independent’s experts think he’s missed out?
Can Secret Cinema sell 80,000 'Back to the Future' tickets?

The worst kept secret in cinema

A cult movie event aims to immerse audiences of 80,000 in ‘Back to the Future’. But has it lost its magic?
Facebook: The new hatched, matched and dispatched

The new hatched, matched and dispatched

Family events used to be marked in the personal columns. But now Facebook has usurped the ‘Births, Deaths and Marriages’ announcements
Why do we have blood types?

Are you my type?

All of us have one but probably never wondered why. Yet even now, a century after blood types were discovered, it’s a matter of debate what they’re for
Honesty box hotels: You decide how much you pay

Honesty box hotels

Five hotels in Paris now allow guests to pay only what they think their stay was worth. It seems fraught with financial risk, but the honesty policy has its benefit
Commonwealth Games 2014: Why weight of pressure rests easy on Michael Jamieson’s shoulders

Michael Jamieson: Why weight of pressure rests easy on his shoulders

The Scottish swimmer is ready for ‘the biggest race of my life’ at the Commonwealth Games
Some are reformed drug addicts. Some are single mums. All are on benefits. But now these so-called 'scroungers’ are fighting back

The 'scroungers’ fight back

The welfare claimants battling to alter stereotypes
Amazing video shows Nasa 'flame extinguishment experiment' in action

Fireballs in space

Amazing video shows Nasa's 'flame extinguishment experiment' in action
A Bible for billionaires

A Bible for billionaires

Find out why America's richest men are reading John Brookes
Paranoid parenting is on the rise - and our children are suffering because of it

Paranoid parenting is on the rise

And our children are suffering because of it
For sale: Island where the Magna Carta was sealed

Magna Carta Island goes on sale

Yours for a cool £4m
Phone hacking scandal special report: The slide into crime at the 'News of the World'

The hacker's tale: the slide into crime at the 'News of the World'

Glenn Mulcaire was jailed for six months for intercepting phone messages. James Hanning tells his story in a new book. This is an extract
We flinch, but there are degrees of paedophilia

We flinch, but there are degrees of paedophilia

Child abusers are not all the same, yet the idea of treating them differently in relation to the severity of their crimes has somehow become controversial
The truth about conspiracy theories is that some require considering

The truth about conspiracy theories is that some require considering

For instance, did Isis kill the Israeli teenagers to trigger a war, asks Patrick Cockburn