The Curious Campaign Diary of Tony Blair: And then Gordon came round to measure curtains

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The Independent Online

Well, here I am back in No 10! Gosh, you should have seen the pile of letters on the mat when Cherie, Alastair and I pushed in through the door. But it's like that when you've been Campaigning all over the country.

Well, here I am back in No 10! Gosh, you should have seen the pile of letters on the mat when Cherie, Alastair and I pushed in through the door. But it's like that when you've been Campaigning all over the country.

Anyway, the week got off to a Great Start when Alastair said we'd got Sir Alan Sugar to do a broadcast for us. The Apprentice is one of my favourite shows. And my Very Favourite Bit is when Sir Alan says: "I don't like liars, I don't like cheats, I don't like bullshitters, I don't like schmoozers, I don't like arse-lickers - You're Fired!" But Alastair said it was probably best we didn't use any of that. But he never explained why.

Instead, Sir Alan told everyone that if one in 10 Labour voters didn't vote, then Mr Howard would get into No 10 through the Back Door. So I went to check the back door, but it looked pretty secure to me.

The next couple of days was spent On The Road. And it turns out that the best way to be On The Road is to go by Helicopter! Which made me think of a new policy to solve our transport problems. We'll Increase Levels Of Helicopter Ownership.

Thursday was Election Day. After all the rushing around it was good to have a sit-down and a nice Cup of Tea. And it was all right to have a Proper China Cup instead of a Mug as there were no cameras filming me.

Then the results started coming in. And we won. Which was Nice. So we drove down to the party. The funny thing is that we had won an Overwhelming Majority with only 36 per cent of the vote. I'd got fewer votes to win than Neil Kinnock got in 1992 when he lost! But that's why Democracy Is Great. And it's because democracy is great that we'd done a War in Iraq so they could have democracy too.

After the party it was all back to mine. And seeing as Alastair was in a good mood, and the front door was shut, I asked if I could "Do Religion" now. He said: "OK." So I asked if he knew what day Thursday was. And he said it was the day we won A Historic Third Term. And I said: "No, it was Ascension Day."

He said: "Thank f... you didn't mention that earlier." I said: "Alastair, sometimes, to get what you want, it's best not to talk about certain things." And he said: "So you have been listening."

I asked him to sum up the Verdict of the Electorate. "Well, the ungrateful twats don't trust you, and don't like you, but you're better than the alternatives." This is called getting a Mandate From The People.

Then Gordon came in without even knocking! I was going to tell him off but he'd been so good telling everyone what a Great Prime Minister I was that I decided to let it go. I can't wait for us to Work Together Again. He must have felt the same because he looked at me with a great big grin and said: "Do you mind if I measure up for new curtains?' I think it's a quaint, old Scottish way of saying Congratulations!

All The Best, Tony

As told to Rohan Candappa, the-unlikely-ever-to- get- invited-to-No-10 author of 'The Curious Incident of the WMD in Iraq'

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