The Curious Campaign Diary of Tony Blair: And then Gordon came round to measure curtains

Share

Well, here I am back in No 10! Gosh, you should have seen the pile of letters on the mat when Cherie, Alastair and I pushed in through the door. But it's like that when you've been Campaigning all over the country.

Well, here I am back in No 10! Gosh, you should have seen the pile of letters on the mat when Cherie, Alastair and I pushed in through the door. But it's like that when you've been Campaigning all over the country.

Anyway, the week got off to a Great Start when Alastair said we'd got Sir Alan Sugar to do a broadcast for us. The Apprentice is one of my favourite shows. And my Very Favourite Bit is when Sir Alan says: "I don't like liars, I don't like cheats, I don't like bullshitters, I don't like schmoozers, I don't like arse-lickers - You're Fired!" But Alastair said it was probably best we didn't use any of that. But he never explained why.

Instead, Sir Alan told everyone that if one in 10 Labour voters didn't vote, then Mr Howard would get into No 10 through the Back Door. So I went to check the back door, but it looked pretty secure to me.

The next couple of days was spent On The Road. And it turns out that the best way to be On The Road is to go by Helicopter! Which made me think of a new policy to solve our transport problems. We'll Increase Levels Of Helicopter Ownership.

Thursday was Election Day. After all the rushing around it was good to have a sit-down and a nice Cup of Tea. And it was all right to have a Proper China Cup instead of a Mug as there were no cameras filming me.

Then the results started coming in. And we won. Which was Nice. So we drove down to the party. The funny thing is that we had won an Overwhelming Majority with only 36 per cent of the vote. I'd got fewer votes to win than Neil Kinnock got in 1992 when he lost! But that's why Democracy Is Great. And it's because democracy is great that we'd done a War in Iraq so they could have democracy too.

After the party it was all back to mine. And seeing as Alastair was in a good mood, and the front door was shut, I asked if I could "Do Religion" now. He said: "OK." So I asked if he knew what day Thursday was. And he said it was the day we won A Historic Third Term. And I said: "No, it was Ascension Day."

He said: "Thank f... you didn't mention that earlier." I said: "Alastair, sometimes, to get what you want, it's best not to talk about certain things." And he said: "So you have been listening."

I asked him to sum up the Verdict of the Electorate. "Well, the ungrateful twats don't trust you, and don't like you, but you're better than the alternatives." This is called getting a Mandate From The People.

Then Gordon came in without even knocking! I was going to tell him off but he'd been so good telling everyone what a Great Prime Minister I was that I decided to let it go. I can't wait for us to Work Together Again. He must have felt the same because he looked at me with a great big grin and said: "Do you mind if I measure up for new curtains?' I think it's a quaint, old Scottish way of saying Congratulations!

All The Best, Tony

As told to Rohan Candappa, the-unlikely-ever-to- get- invited-to-No-10 author of 'The Curious Incident of the WMD in Iraq'

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Financial Controller

£60000 - £75000 per annum: Sauce Recruitment: This is a busy and varied role w...

Maths Teacher

£21000 - £35000 per annum: Randstad Education Cambridge: Maths teacher require...

KS1 Teacher

£21500 - £31500 per day: Randstad Education Chelmsford: Would you like to work...

Java Developer - web services, XML and API

£330 - £350 Per Day: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd: Our client based in Lond...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Women-only carriages would be an insult to both sexes  

Women-only carriages would be an insult to both sexes

Katie Grant
 

Cyclists v the rest of the world – can we please call a truce?

Philip Hoare
Isis is an hour from Baghdad, the Iraq army has little chance against it, and air strikes won't help

Isis an hour away from Baghdad -

and with no sign of Iraq army being able to make a successful counter-attack
Turner Prize 2014 is frustratingly timid

Turner Prize 2014 is frustratingly timid

The exhibition nods to rich and potentially brilliant ideas, but steps back
Last chance to see: Half the world’s animals have disappeared over the last 40 years

Last chance to see...

The Earth’s animal wildlife population has halved in 40 years
So here's why teenagers are always grumpy - and it's not what you think

Truth behind teens' grumpiness

Early school hours mess with their biological clocks
Why can no one stop hackers putting celebrities' private photos online?

Hacked photos: the third wave

Why can no one stop hackers putting celebrities' private photos online?
Royal Ballet star dubbed 'Charlize Theron in pointe shoes' takes on Manon

Homegrown ballerina is on the rise

Royal Ballet star Melissa Hamilton is about to tackle the role of Manon
Education, eduction, education? Our growing fascination with what really goes on in school

Education, education, education

TV documentaries filmed in classrooms are now a genre in their own right
It’s reasonable to negotiate with the likes of Isis, so why don’t we do it and save lives?

It’s perfectly reasonable to negotiate with villains like Isis

So why don’t we do it and save some lives?
This man just ran a marathon in under 2 hours 3 minutes. Is a 2-hour race in sight?

Is a sub-2-hour race now within sight?

Dennis Kimetto breaks marathon record
We shall not be moved, say Stratford's single parents fighting eviction

Inside the E15 'occupation'

We shall not be moved, say Stratford single parents
Air strikes alone will fail to stop Isis

Air strikes alone will fail to stop Isis

Talks between all touched by the crisis in Syria and Iraq can achieve as much as the Tornadoes, says Patrick Cockburn
Nadhim Zahawi: From a refugee on welfare to the heart of No 10

Nadhim Zahawi: From a refugee on welfare to the heart of No 10

The Tory MP speaks for the first time about the devastating effect of his father's bankruptcy
Witches: A history of misogyny

Witches: A history of misogyny

The sexist abuse that haunts modern life is nothing new: women have been 'trolled' in art for 500 years
Shona Rhimes interview: Meet the most powerful woman in US television

Meet the most powerful woman in US television

Writer and producer of shows like Grey's Anatomy, Shonda Rhimes now has her own evening of primetime TV – but she’s taking it in her stride
'Before They Pass Away': Endangered communities photographed 'like Kate Moss'

Endangered communities photographed 'like Kate Moss'

Jimmy Nelson travelled the world to photograph 35 threatened tribes in an unashamedly glamorous style