The Curious Campaign Diary of Tony Blair: And then Gordon came round to measure curtains

Share

Well, here I am back in No 10! Gosh, you should have seen the pile of letters on the mat when Cherie, Alastair and I pushed in through the door. But it's like that when you've been Campaigning all over the country.

Well, here I am back in No 10! Gosh, you should have seen the pile of letters on the mat when Cherie, Alastair and I pushed in through the door. But it's like that when you've been Campaigning all over the country.

Anyway, the week got off to a Great Start when Alastair said we'd got Sir Alan Sugar to do a broadcast for us. The Apprentice is one of my favourite shows. And my Very Favourite Bit is when Sir Alan says: "I don't like liars, I don't like cheats, I don't like bullshitters, I don't like schmoozers, I don't like arse-lickers - You're Fired!" But Alastair said it was probably best we didn't use any of that. But he never explained why.

Instead, Sir Alan told everyone that if one in 10 Labour voters didn't vote, then Mr Howard would get into No 10 through the Back Door. So I went to check the back door, but it looked pretty secure to me.

The next couple of days was spent On The Road. And it turns out that the best way to be On The Road is to go by Helicopter! Which made me think of a new policy to solve our transport problems. We'll Increase Levels Of Helicopter Ownership.

Thursday was Election Day. After all the rushing around it was good to have a sit-down and a nice Cup of Tea. And it was all right to have a Proper China Cup instead of a Mug as there were no cameras filming me.

Then the results started coming in. And we won. Which was Nice. So we drove down to the party. The funny thing is that we had won an Overwhelming Majority with only 36 per cent of the vote. I'd got fewer votes to win than Neil Kinnock got in 1992 when he lost! But that's why Democracy Is Great. And it's because democracy is great that we'd done a War in Iraq so they could have democracy too.

After the party it was all back to mine. And seeing as Alastair was in a good mood, and the front door was shut, I asked if I could "Do Religion" now. He said: "OK." So I asked if he knew what day Thursday was. And he said it was the day we won A Historic Third Term. And I said: "No, it was Ascension Day."

He said: "Thank f... you didn't mention that earlier." I said: "Alastair, sometimes, to get what you want, it's best not to talk about certain things." And he said: "So you have been listening."

I asked him to sum up the Verdict of the Electorate. "Well, the ungrateful twats don't trust you, and don't like you, but you're better than the alternatives." This is called getting a Mandate From The People.

Then Gordon came in without even knocking! I was going to tell him off but he'd been so good telling everyone what a Great Prime Minister I was that I decided to let it go. I can't wait for us to Work Together Again. He must have felt the same because he looked at me with a great big grin and said: "Do you mind if I measure up for new curtains?' I think it's a quaint, old Scottish way of saying Congratulations!

All The Best, Tony

As told to Rohan Candappa, the-unlikely-ever-to- get- invited-to-No-10 author of 'The Curious Incident of the WMD in Iraq'

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

VB.Net Developer - £40k - Surrey - WANTED ASAP

£35000 - £40000 per annum + competitive: Progressive Recruitment: .Mid Level V...

Digitakl Business Analyst, Slough

£40000 - £45000 per annum + Competitive Benefits: Progressive Recruitment: Dig...

Mechanical Estimator: Nuclear Energy - Sellafield

£40000 - £50000 per annum + Car, Medical, Fuel + More!: Progressive Recruitmen...

Dynamics NAV Techno-Functional Consultant

£50000 - £60000 per annum + benefits: Progressive Recruitment: An absolutely o...

Day In a Page

Read Next
'Our media are suffering a new experience: not fear of being called anti-Semitic'  

Dress the Gaza situation up all you like, but the truth hurts

Robert Fisk
David Cameron (pictured) can't steal back my party's vote that easily, says Nigel Farage  

Cameron’s benefits pledge is designed to lure back Ukip voters. He’ll have to try harder

Nigel Farage
Dress the Gaza situation up all you like, but the truth hurts

Robert Fisk on Gaza conflict

Dress the situation up all you like, but the truth hurts
Save the tiger: Tiger, tiger burning less brightly as numbers plummet

Tiger, tiger burning less brightly

When William Blake wrote his famous poem there were probably more than 100,000 tigers in the wild. These days they probably number around 3,200
5 News's Andy Bell retraces his grandfather's steps on the First World War battlefields

In grandfather's footsteps

5 News's political editor Andy Bell only knows his grandfather from the compelling diary he kept during WWI. But when he returned to the killing fields where Edwin Vaughan suffered so much, his ancestor came to life
Lifestyle guru Martha Stewart reveals she has flying robot ... to take photos of her farm

Martha Stewart has flying robot

The lifestyle guru used the drone to get a bird's eye view her 153-acre farm in Bedford, New York
Former Labour minister Meg Hillier has demanded 'pootling lanes' for women cyclists

Do women cyclists need 'pootling lanes'?

Simon Usborne (who's more of a hurtler) explains why winning the space race is key to happy riding
A tale of two presidents: George W Bush downs his paintbrush to pen father’s life story

A tale of two presidents

George W Bush downs his paintbrush to pen father’s life story
Restaurateur Mitch Tonks has given the Great Western Pullman dining car a makeover

The dining car makes a comeback

Restaurateur Mitch Tonks has given the Great Western Pullman dining car a makeover
Gallery rage: How are institutions tackling the discomfort of overcrowding this summer?

Gallery rage

How are institutions tackling the discomfort of overcrowding this summer?
Louis van Gaal has £500,000 video surveillance system installed to monitor Manchester United players

Eye on the prize

Louis van Gaal has £500,000 video surveillance system installed to monitor Manchester United players
Women's rugby: Tamara Taylor adds fuel to the ire in quest to land World Cup

Women's rugby

Tamara Taylor adds fuel to the ire in quest to land World Cup
Save the tiger: The day America’s love of backyard tigers led to a horrific bloodbath

The day America’s love of backyard tigers led to a horrific bloodbath

With only six per cent of the US population of these amazing big cats held in zoos, the Zanesville incident in 2011 was inevitable
Samuel Beckett's biographer reveals secrets of the writer's time as a French Resistance spy

How Samuel Beckett became a French Resistance spy

As this year's Samuel Beckett festival opens in Enniskillen, James Knowlson, recalls how the Irish writer risked his life for liberty and narrowly escaped capture by the Gestapo
We will remember them: relatives still honour those who fought in the Great War

We will remember them

Relatives still honour those who fought in the Great War
Star Wars Episode VII is being shot on film - and now Kodak is launching a last-ditch bid to keep celluloid alive

Kodak's last-ditch bid to keep celluloid alive

Director J J Abrams and a few digital refuseniks shoot movies on film. Simon Usborne wonders what the fuss is about
Once stilted and melodramatic, Hollywood is giving acting in video games a makeover

Acting in video games gets a makeover

David Crookes meets two of the genre's most popular voices