The Third Leader: Singular passions

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The Independent Online

Time, as the Bard almost had it, is brisk and giddy-paced. And so, according to a new report, the Gay Bachelor, already and thoroughly adjectivally dispossessed, is now the Regretful Loner. And not only that: he is an irresponsible, profligate wastrel who is causing an environmental crisis with an orgy of over-consumption to counter the sadness of living a life he didn't want in the first place. He is, in short, both literally and figuratively, a waste of space.

Well. The Drones Club will, clearly, be a place of gloomy introspection today. Not even the prospect of a jelly fight will pep the mood. But all is not necessarily lost. Remember, for example, how well Bridget Jones did out of it. RLs of the world: Get your treatment in now, before Cooper Brown. Meanwhile, here are a few impeccably green hints for transforming yourself into a Relishing Loner.

My first tip is: Silence. Enjoy it. This is not something, you will recall, available in houses containing social units with multiple membership, where much of the noise has an interrogatory purpose, and is often repeated, more loudly. The bathroom. You don't have to use it; knowing that you can is enough. Baked Beans. I enjoy them cold, straight out of the can, which is, of course, recyclable. Fair Trade goods. Offer some free storage behind the sofa.

Music: your own. Sherlock Holmes took great solace from the violin. He also had Watson. Companionable, easy, a good compromise. Stan and Ollie, Eric and Ernie, shared a bed, no more. Unfashionable arrangements today, no reason why. You could advertise. In a newspaper, also good.