Think Nadine's bad? Look at Naza

Kazakhstan's president exhibits all the democratic credibility of a Wright Stuff phone vote in
  • @DonaldAMacInnes

You mustn't assume that because Tory politician Nadine Dorries is happy to stuff her gob with handfuls of bees in a disused garden centre in New South Wales for the new series of I'm A Celebrity… that this somehow impacts on her credibility as a Member of your Parliament.

No, no. After all, Conservatives are all about free market economics and 40 grand is 40 grand. Other serving politicians have done far worse. Take Kazakhstan's president Nursultan Nazarbayev. Two years ago, after occupying the country's highest office since 1990 – exhibiting all the democratic credibility of a Wright Stuff phone vote in the process – Naza issued a demand to his country's top scientists that they come up with an elixir of life; a potion to ensure that he lived as long as he wanted to, which was, frankly, for ever.

This week, after spending millions on the project, the scientists threw aside the doorflap of their laboratory yurt and announced they had perfected their death-defying concoction, which apparently is similar to a pro-biotic yoghurt drink.

So far, although the boffins say the mixture definitely works and that Martine McCutcheon is ready and willing to appear in uplifting adverts for it, no one has been willing to actually go as far as drinking it.

And to this dilemma, I offer a solution. Ship a few bottles to eastern Australia. You think an untested Kazakhstani magic potion will be the worst thing to enter the contestants' mouths over the next few weeks?