Suffering from male-pattern baldness, I resent this permanent search for a medical solution, as though losing your hair was some sort of disease. If a group of Beverly Hills plastic surgeons came up with a "cure" for blackness, they'd be run out of town. Wouldn't it be more sensible to combat society's prejudice against bald men, rather than pander to it?
Come on Phil Collins. Let's hear it for rock against baldism. Say it loud, we're bald and proud.
What's so great about being hirsute? In many cultures, a shaven head is considered an object of beauty - and not just among the young men of Germany's industrial heartland. The Ancient Egyptians used to shave their heads, as do the Nubians. Richard Gere is savvy enough to recognise that, when it comes to religion, Buddhists have got it about right. Why not follow their enlightened philosophy about personal grooming as well?
There's something pathetic about the way men with hair lord it over those they patronisingly refer to as "follically challenged". Observations, such as "I see you're receding a little", and "Getting a little thin on top there, mate", are offered sadistically, as if we hadn't noticed.
Now bald may not be beautiful, but at least you look a bit more masculine than the Tim Jeffries and Hugh Grants of this world. Would Wayne Rooney have instilled such fear in the Argentine defence if he had a Kevin Keegan-style perm? Come to that, would English football hooligans be the terror of Europe if they all had ponytails?
A chrome dome is also a sign of intelligence. For reasons that are perfectly understandable, people associate hairiness with stupidity. A molecular biologist at Baylor College of Medicine in Houston recently discovered a gene that caused members of a Mexican family to grow thick, dark hair all over their faces. See if you can guess where members of the Mexican werewolf family found career success. Silicon Valley? Investment banking? I'm sorry to report it was the circus.
In spite of the overwhelming case against hair, some people persist in believing it is superior to a smooth scalp. I bumped into an old university friend the other day whom I hadn't seen for 20 years. His first comment was: "You've gone bald", followed by a self-congratulatory snigger. As he was saying this, I couldn't help noticing that his hair didn't look quite right and, sure enough, I later discovered that he was a user of minoxidil. This "miracle cure" costs £100 a bottle. If applied twice daily, for the rest of your life, it might just, if you have the right type of hair, produce ... peach fuzz!
There is a great moment in The Big Boss, when Bruce Lee is engaged in mortal combat with Chuck Norris. Just before the kill, Lee executes a complicated series of moves that ends with him tearing off a hank of Norris's shoulder hair. I saw this in New York's Chinatown and at this moment the entire audience leapt to its feet and roared its approval. Being Asian, they didn't have a high opinion of body hair.
Next time a minoxidil user points out that I'm "follically challenged", I'm going to assume a kung fu stance and rip his sodding hair out.