Creativity: 2.8bn ways to spend your money

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The Independent Online
Two point eight billion pounds is a good deal of money for Lloyds' names to think about raising, but help is at hand from our readers.

Tom Gaunt points out that pounds 2.8bn could buy the archives of 225 famous families, or have a night out at his local pub. He also mentions in passing that "The Lloyds Names are offered two point eight billion repayment" is an anagram of "Deepen dosh for men who bet A1 lolly in a Mart lottery sting - fee 1p". Without actually bothering to check, we think this relies on using a lower-case "l" for the number "1" and ought therefore more properly to have been sent in last week as a use for an old typewriter.

Mary Hess also feels out of phase, wishing we'd brought up the pounds 2.8bn question in time for her trip to the House of Commons when she "could have put it straight down the toilet myself without troubling the middle men/women, the MPs".

"Order enough Westland helicopters," advises Harold Stone, "to airlift the Queen Mary from Florida back to the Clyde, and there refit her with double glazing and wheels ready to resume the New York run via the ocean floor, with stop-overs for the affluent at the refurbished Titanic Hilton."

Brian French says that pounds 2.8bn could buy a government and still have change. John Donnelly says it could be distributed among the National Grid directors' wives to ameliorate their circumstances. Mr Donnelly tells us that his grandfather once spoke to George Formby. Most convincingly, though, he suggests, if you really want to get rid of pounds 2.8bn, rejoin the ERM.

Suzanne Sophia Smith wants to make herself a complete wardrobe from banknotes - fifties for ballgowns, fivers for working clothes and so on. Julie Dickson wants to finance an erotic movie starring herself. Sian Cole wants to take over the Independent.

Des Waller wants to suggest that Lloyds' names buy 2.8bn lottery tickets "although this is much too sensible an investment compared to what they are used to". Len Clarke proposed spending pounds 1bn on a time machine to take pounds 1.8bn worth of solar-powered electronic calculators back to medieval England. After that his plan becomes a little far-fetched. R J Pickles more sensibly suggests using the money to send all dogs to Sirius. Choonyibib suggests pulping the notes to make papier mache money boxes for saving shiny new pennies.

Prizes to R J Pickles, Harold Stone and Choonyibib. Next Monday, ideas for widgets. Meanwhile, we seek things to do, in the light of this week's legal news, with a Scrabble set. Ideas, by 22 June, to: Creativity, the Independent, 1 Canada Square, Canary Wharf, London E14 5DL. The three best ideas will win copies of Chambers Official Scrabble Words.

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