creativity Braised seals and the brain drain

Share
Related Topics
Readers have clearly been putting their brain cells to work, working out uses for brain cells.

Drew Barrow offers sympathy to Mollie Caird, whose anxiety at losing her brain cells was the cause of this week's object. He recommends that she use a mobile phone to prevent the brain cells from escaping through her ears by trapping them in a cell net. He advises her not to worry, though, because they have probably passed their cell-by date.

Nicholas James points out that since discarded brain cells are expelled in the form of ear wax, one should not leave one's aural pickings on the end of paperclips, but collect them and, when a sufficient quantity has accrued, press it into a disc with a hole in the middle. Played on your CD-Rom drive, it may then be used to access your lost memories.

John Donnelly points out that hoovered-up brain cells are eventually deposited on municipal tips, where some very clever weeds now flourish. He says they have been giving some very witty replies to Prince Charles when he has stopped by to talk to them. Australian ones, he says, are currently being used for an intelligent television series called "Brain Cell Block H".

Many readers suggested re-charging defunct brain cells and distributing them to various categories of the needy, of which Michael Howard and the House of Lords were the most popular nominations.

A J Brewer's Hoover has written to point out how intelligent a vacuum cleaner may become if it has hoovered up enough brain cells. Her cites the examples of J Edgar Vacuum-Cleaner and Herbert Vacuum-Cleaner, both of whom did rather well for themselves in the United States. A J Brewer himself points out that no one need fret about losing a few brain cells, because dandruff makes a perfectly adequate substitute. Harold Stone warns of the dangers of crossing brain cells with dust mites. He believes they are best sprinkled into a think tank.

Len Clarke is convinced that intelligent vacuum cleaners have been entering the Creativity competitions in this newspaper and, under various pseudonyms, sweeping up all the prizes.

R J Pickles suggests gathering discarded brain cells and selling them to housewives as thinking woman's dust. Or feeding them to fish to make them more intelligent. "Use them for imprisoning unruly thoughts," advises Patsy Abraham.

Martin Brown points out how similar are the sounds of "brain cell" and "Brian Sewell". He believes that further advances in alphaneural surgery could lead to their mutation into brave snails or even braised seals.

"Mollie Caird," says Ciarn Ryan, "should use her remaining brain cells to realise that she is supposed to sweep her intelligence under the carpet, not vacuum it." He also points out that since bright light bulbs appear above people's heads when they have clever ideas, discarded brain cells could be attached to key-rings to light up when you lose them.

Prizes to Drew Barrow, Patsy Abraham and A J Brewer's Hoover. Next week, we shall be discussing all those useful things you can do with cloned humans. Meanwhile, however, we seek uses for traffic lights. All ideas will be welcome at: Creativity, the Independent, 1 Canada Square, Canary Wharf, London E14 5DL. The ones we like best will be rewarded with copies of the Larousse Dictionary of World Folklore.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Senior C++ Developer

£350 - £450 Per Day: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd: Senior C++ Developer – L...

SEN English Teacher

upto £110 a day approx: Randstad Education Cheshire: English EBD Teacher requi...

SEN Teaching Assistant Runcorn

£50 per day: Randstad Education Cheshire: SEN Teaching Assistant EBD , Septemb...

Client Services Associate (MS Office, Analysis, Graduate)

Negotiable: Harrington Starr: Client Services Associate (Microsoft Office, Ana...

Day In a Page

Read Next
The Lada became a symbol of Russia’s failure to keep up with Western economies  

Our sanctions will not cripple Russia. It is doing a lot of the dirty work itself

Hamish McRae
Save the tiger: The animals bred for bones on China’s tiger farms

The animals bred for bones on China’s tiger farms

The big cats kept in captivity to perform for paying audiences and then, when dead, their bodies used to fortify wine
A former custard factory, a Midlands bog and a Leeds cemetery all included in top 50 hidden spots in the UK

A former custard factory, a Midlands bog and a Leeds cemetery

Introducing the top 50 hidden spots in Britain
Ebola epidemic: Plagued by fear

Ebola epidemic: Plagued by fear

How a disease that has claimed fewer than 2,000 victims in its history has earned a place in the darkest corner of the public's imagination
Chris Pratt: From 'Parks and Recreation' to 'Guardians of the Galaxy'

From 'Parks and Recreation' to 'Guardians of the Galaxy'

He was homeless in Hawaii when he got his big break. Now the comic actor Chris Pratt is Hollywood's new favourite action star
How live cinema screenings can boost arts audiences

How live cinema screenings can boost arts audiences

Broadcasting plays and exhibitions to cinemas is a sure-fire box office smash
Shipping container hotels: Pop-up hotels filling a niche

Pop-up hotels filling a niche

Spending the night in a shipping container doesn't sound appealing, but these mobile crash pads are popping up at the summer's biggest events
Native American headdresses are not fashion accessories

Feather dust-up

A Canadian festival has banned Native American headwear. Haven't we been here before?
Boris Johnson's war on diesel

Boris Johnson's war on diesel

11m cars here run on diesel. It's seen as a greener alternative to unleaded petrol. So why is London's mayor on a crusade against the black pump?
5 best waterproof cameras

Splash and flash: 5 best waterproof cameras

Don't let water stop you taking snaps with one of these machines that will take you from the sand to meters deep
Louis van Gaal interview: Manchester United manager discusses tactics and rebuilding after the David Moyes era

Louis van Gaal interview

Manchester United manager discusses tactics and rebuilding after the David Moyes era
Will Gore: The goodwill shown by fans towards Alastair Cook will evaporate rapidly if India win the series

Will Gore: Outside Edge

The goodwill shown by fans towards Alastair Cook will evaporate rapidly if India win the series
The children were playing in the street with toy guns. The air strikes were tragically real

The air strikes were tragically real

The children were playing in the street with toy guns
Boozy, ignorant, intolerant, but very polite – The British, as others see us

Britain as others see us

Boozy, ignorant, intolerant, but very polite
How did our legends really begin?

How did our legends really begin?

Applying the theory of evolution to the world's many mythologies
Watch out: Lambrusco is back on the menu

Lambrusco is back on the menu

Naff Seventies corner-shop staple is this year's Aperol Spritz