Dear Mad Butcher ... Perhaps not. Dear Mr Hussein, here is a remarkable offer

Share
Related Topics
EVERYONE hopes that Kofi Annan will fly to Baghdad with a note from the UN to sort out Saddam Hussein. However, Kofi is not exactly beating a path to his door. And this is for a good reason. The good reason is that it takes a lot of time to work out the best wording of a note from the UN to Saddam Hussein.

I mean, for a start, how do you address him? As "Dear Mr Hussein"? Or "Dear Saddam"? Or "Dear Mad Butcher of Baghdad"?

And even if you work out the best opening, what kind of letter do you then write to him?

Just how tricky the whole thing is is shown by the many drafts through which that note has already gone. Some of these drafts are available on the Internet, and for those of you unfortunate enough to be without a weblog*, I bring you today some of the first versions of that note to Saddam Hussein.

1. Dear Saddam, This is just to introduce myself. My name is Kofi Annan, and I am the new Secretary General of the United Nations. I notice from our books that we haven't seen you at one of our meetings for a long time, and your subscription is now well overdue. I wondered if I might stop by and talk about this and other problems? yours sincerely ...

2. Dear Mr Hussein, As the breadwinner in your family, do you ever worry about what might happen if you were struck down by a heart attack? Or even worse, by a bomb that fell suddenly out of the sky and destroyed you along with your presidential palace? Well, we at United Nations Retirement Funds can help you with this sort of problem - and before it happens! ... All you have to do is ...

3. Dear Saddam, I represent an organisation called the United Nations, which is currently in your area at the moment. We specialise in weapons inspections, location of biological war tools, location of landmines, etc, and we would be prepared to do an ABSOLUTELY FREE inspection of your country to check on warfare potentiality. All we would need is unlimited access for a period. You would receive a free copy of our report and we would keep one ourselves. A representative will be calling soon to discuss this FREE offer ...

4. Dear Saddam Hussein, Hello! I am the new visiting pastor of the local United Nations Church, and I would like to make myself known on a one- to-one basis so that we can discuss the personal problems with neighbours that crop up at any time ...

5. Dear Mr Hussein, This letter is part of a chain that has been in existence now for THIRTEEN YEARS, and if you break that chain you will bring CATASTROPHES AND DISASTERS upon yourself. This is serious. All you have to do to avert these DISASTERS AND CATASTROPHES is to write at the bottom of the letter "I renounce all use of chemical and biological weapons" and send it on to the next name in the chain, who is Kofi Annan, c/o United Nations, New York ...

6. Dear Mr Hussein, I am delighted to be able to tell you that you may already have won $10,000,000,000 in a Lifting of Embargo Superdraw! Yes, you could be the lucky winner in this Lifting of Embargo Superdraw, which could win you $10,000,000,000 in lifted embargoes! And all you have to do is send the enclosed envelope back! Yes, that's all you have to do! Oh, and also sign the enclosed form, saying that you don't mind anyone coming in and inspecting your weapons sites! That's it! That's ALL you have to do to be a winner, Mr Hussein! But don't forget - this has to be done by the end of the month! Otherwise we will kill you. Good luck, Mr Hussein!

7. Dear Mr Hussein, We are delighted to tell you that you have been selected by the United Nations Visa Card Unit for a MasterLoan offer of up to ten billion dollars! Just think of all the things you could do with ten billion dollars! New roads ... new schools ... new books for the new schools ... new packets of spaghetti for the new schools for little Iraqi children to make kindergarten pasta pictures with, to take home to their mummy and daddy, so that their mummy and daddy say, "Hey! This is good! Thanks to Saddam Hussein's insane foreign policy we are being starved, but now we can save our lives by cooking and eating our children's kindergarten art!"

Interested? We thought you would be! So send for details of the United Nations Visacard Masterloan Aid Plan NOW.

*Weblog. This is a new Internet word I have made up, which I hope will catch on. If it does, I will work out a meaning for it later.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Business Focused Business Analyst - Finance and Procurement System Implementation

£350 Per Day: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd: Our client based in Reading are...

Head of ad sales international - Broadcast

competitive + bonus + benefits: Sauce Recruitment: Are you the king or Queen o...

Note Taker - Scribe

£10 per hour: Randstad Education Chelmsford: Are you an experienced note taker...

DT Teacher - Resistant Materials

£4800 - £33600 per annum: Randstad Education Manchester Secondary: A full time...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Tory whips have warned the Prime Minister that he could face a Tory revolt over the European arrest warrant  

A bizarre front for the Tories’ campaign against Europe

Nigel Morris
 

Daily catch-up: EU news, and other reasons to be cheerful

John Rentoul
Wilko Johnson, now the bad news: musician splits with manager after police investigate assault claims

Wilko Johnson, now the bad news

Former Dr Feelgood splits with manager after police investigate assault claims
Mark Udall: The Democrat Senator with a fight on his hands ahead of the US midterm elections

Mark Udall: The Democrat Senator with a fight on his hands

The Senator for Colorado is for gay rights, for abortion rights – and in the Republicans’ sights as they threaten to take control of the Senate next month
New discoveries show more contact between far-flung prehistoric humans than had been thought

New discoveries show more contact between far-flung prehistoric humans than had been thought

Evidence found of contact between Easter Islanders and South America
Cerys Matthews reveals how her uncle taped 150 interviews for a biography of Dylan Thomas

Cerys Matthews on Dylan Thomas

The singer reveals how her uncle taped 150 interviews for a biography of the famous Welsh poet
DIY is not fun and we've finally realised this as a nation

Homebase closures: 'DIY is not fun'

Homebase has announced the closure of one in four of its stores. Nick Harding, who never did know his awl from his elbow, is glad to see the back of DIY
The Battle of the Five Armies: Air New Zealand releases new Hobbit-inspired in-flight video

Air New Zealand's wizard in-flight video

The airline has released a new Hobbit-inspired clip dubbed "The most epic safety video ever made"
Pumpkin spice is the flavour of the month - but can you stomach the sweetness?

Pumpkin spice is the flavour of the month

The combination of cinnamon, clove, nutmeg (and no actual pumpkin), now flavours everything from lattes to cream cheese in the US
11 best sonic skincare brushes

11 best sonic skincare brushes

Forget the flannel - take skincare to the next level by using your favourite cleanser with a sonic facial brush
Paul Scholes column: I'm not worried about Manchester United's defence - Chelsea test can be the making of Phil Jones and Marcos Rojo

Paul Scholes column

I'm not worried about Manchester United's defence - Chelsea test can be the making of Jones and Rojo
Frank Warren: Boxing has its problems but in all my time I've never seen a crooked fight

Frank Warren: Boxing has its problems but in all my time I've never seen a crooked fight

While other sports are stalked by corruption, we are an easy target for the critics
Jamie Roberts exclusive interview: 'I'm a man of my word – I'll stay in Paris'

Jamie Roberts: 'I'm a man of my word – I'll stay in Paris'

Wales centre says he’s not coming home but is looking to establish himself at Racing Métro
How could three tourists have been battered within an inch of their lives by a burglar in a plush London hotel?

A crime that reveals London's dark heart

How could three tourists have been battered within an inch of their lives by a burglar in a plush London hotel?
Meet 'Porridge' and 'Vampire': Chinese state TV is offering advice for citizens picking a Western moniker

Lost in translation: Western monikers

Chinese state TV is offering advice for citizens picking a Western moniker. Simon Usborne, who met a 'Porridge' and a 'Vampire' while in China, can see the problem
Handy hacks that make life easier: New book reveals how to rid your inbox of spam, protect your passwords and amplify your iPhone

Handy hacks that make life easier

New book reveals how to rid your email inbox of spam, protect your passwords and amplify your iPhone with a loo-roll
KidZania lets children try their hands at being a firefighter, doctor or factory worker for the day

KidZania: It's a small world

The new 'educational entertainment experience' in London's Shepherd's Bush will allow children to try out the jobs that are usually undertaken by adults, including firefighter, doctor or factory worker