Dear Mad Butcher ... Perhaps not. Dear Mr Hussein, here is a remarkable offer

Share
Related Topics
EVERYONE hopes that Kofi Annan will fly to Baghdad with a note from the UN to sort out Saddam Hussein. However, Kofi is not exactly beating a path to his door. And this is for a good reason. The good reason is that it takes a lot of time to work out the best wording of a note from the UN to Saddam Hussein.

I mean, for a start, how do you address him? As "Dear Mr Hussein"? Or "Dear Saddam"? Or "Dear Mad Butcher of Baghdad"?

And even if you work out the best opening, what kind of letter do you then write to him?

Just how tricky the whole thing is is shown by the many drafts through which that note has already gone. Some of these drafts are available on the Internet, and for those of you unfortunate enough to be without a weblog*, I bring you today some of the first versions of that note to Saddam Hussein.

1. Dear Saddam, This is just to introduce myself. My name is Kofi Annan, and I am the new Secretary General of the United Nations. I notice from our books that we haven't seen you at one of our meetings for a long time, and your subscription is now well overdue. I wondered if I might stop by and talk about this and other problems? yours sincerely ...

2. Dear Mr Hussein, As the breadwinner in your family, do you ever worry about what might happen if you were struck down by a heart attack? Or even worse, by a bomb that fell suddenly out of the sky and destroyed you along with your presidential palace? Well, we at United Nations Retirement Funds can help you with this sort of problem - and before it happens! ... All you have to do is ...

3. Dear Saddam, I represent an organisation called the United Nations, which is currently in your area at the moment. We specialise in weapons inspections, location of biological war tools, location of landmines, etc, and we would be prepared to do an ABSOLUTELY FREE inspection of your country to check on warfare potentiality. All we would need is unlimited access for a period. You would receive a free copy of our report and we would keep one ourselves. A representative will be calling soon to discuss this FREE offer ...

4. Dear Saddam Hussein, Hello! I am the new visiting pastor of the local United Nations Church, and I would like to make myself known on a one- to-one basis so that we can discuss the personal problems with neighbours that crop up at any time ...

5. Dear Mr Hussein, This letter is part of a chain that has been in existence now for THIRTEEN YEARS, and if you break that chain you will bring CATASTROPHES AND DISASTERS upon yourself. This is serious. All you have to do to avert these DISASTERS AND CATASTROPHES is to write at the bottom of the letter "I renounce all use of chemical and biological weapons" and send it on to the next name in the chain, who is Kofi Annan, c/o United Nations, New York ...

6. Dear Mr Hussein, I am delighted to be able to tell you that you may already have won $10,000,000,000 in a Lifting of Embargo Superdraw! Yes, you could be the lucky winner in this Lifting of Embargo Superdraw, which could win you $10,000,000,000 in lifted embargoes! And all you have to do is send the enclosed envelope back! Yes, that's all you have to do! Oh, and also sign the enclosed form, saying that you don't mind anyone coming in and inspecting your weapons sites! That's it! That's ALL you have to do to be a winner, Mr Hussein! But don't forget - this has to be done by the end of the month! Otherwise we will kill you. Good luck, Mr Hussein!

7. Dear Mr Hussein, We are delighted to tell you that you have been selected by the United Nations Visa Card Unit for a MasterLoan offer of up to ten billion dollars! Just think of all the things you could do with ten billion dollars! New roads ... new schools ... new books for the new schools ... new packets of spaghetti for the new schools for little Iraqi children to make kindergarten pasta pictures with, to take home to their mummy and daddy, so that their mummy and daddy say, "Hey! This is good! Thanks to Saddam Hussein's insane foreign policy we are being starved, but now we can save our lives by cooking and eating our children's kindergarten art!"

Interested? We thought you would be! So send for details of the United Nations Visacard Masterloan Aid Plan NOW.

*Weblog. This is a new Internet word I have made up, which I hope will catch on. If it does, I will work out a meaning for it later.

React Now

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Data Analyst (Requirements gathering)

£23000 - £30000 Per Annum: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd: Data Analyst vacan...

SAP Data Migration Consultant

competitive: Progressive Recruitment: I am interested in speaking to Data Migr...

Web Services Developer

£200 - £450 per day: Harrington Starr: Web Services Developer Web Services, WP...

Project Manager - (Housing Association, Prince 2) - Watford

£45000 - £50000 per annum + benefits: Ashdown Group: Project Manager - (Housin...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Brazil fans are devastated while watching the first half on Copacabana Beach during the 2014 FIFA World Cup semi-final match between Brazil and Germany on July 8, 2014 in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. The winner advances to the final at the famed Maracana stadium.  

The response to Brazil's defeat has been a surreal exploration of loss and tragedy

Timothy Kennett
The Daily Prophet newspaper - closer to fact than fiction?  

The response to the new Harry Potter story by the muggle media is fantastically ironic

Anna Leszkiewicz
The true Gaza back-story that the Israelis aren’t telling this week

The true Gaza back-story that the Israelis aren’t telling this week

A future Palestine state will have no borders and be an enclave within Israel, surrounded on all sides by Israeli-held territory, says Robert Fisk
A History of the First World War in 100 Moments: The German people demand an end to the fighting

A History of the First World War in 100 Moments

The German people demand an end to the fighting
New play by Oscar Wilde's grandson reveals what the Irish wit said at his trials

New play reveals what Oscar Wilde said at trials

For a century, what Wilde actually said at his trials was a mystery. But the recent discovery of shorthand notes changed that. Now his grandson Merlin Holland has turned them into a play
Can scientists save the world's sea life from

Can scientists save our sea life?

By the end of the century, the only living things left in our oceans could be plankton and jellyfish. Alex Renton meets the scientists who are trying to turn the tide
Richard III, Trafalgar Studios, review: Martin Freeman gives highly intelligent performance

Richard III review

Martin Freeman’s psychotic monarch is big on mockery but wanting in malice
Hollywood targets Asian audiences as US films enjoy record-breaking run at Chinese box office

Hollywood targets Asian audiences

The world's second biggest movie market is fast becoming the Hollywood studios' most crucial
Grindr founder Joel Simkhai: 'I've found love on my dating app - and my mum keeps trying to hook me up!'

Grindr founder Joel Simkhai: 'I've found love on my dating app'

Five years on from its launch and Grindr is the world's most popular dating app for gay men. Its founder Joel Simkhai answers his critics, describes his isolation as a child
Autocorrect has its uses but it can go rogue with embarrassing results - so is it time to ditch it?

Is it time to ditch autocorrect?

Matthew J X Malady persuaded friends to message manually instead, but failed to factor in fat fingers and drunk texting
10 best girls' summer dresses

Frock chick: 10 best girls' summer dresses

Get them ready for the holidays with these cool and pretty options 
Westminster’s dark secret: Adultery, homosexuality, sadomasochism and abuse of children were all seemingly lumped together

Westminster’s dark secret

Adultery, homosexuality, sadomasochism and abuse of children were all seemingly lumped together
A History of the First World War in 100 Moments: Dulce et decorum est - a life cut short for a poet whose work achieved immortality

A History of the First World War in 100 Moments

Dulce et decorum est: a life cut short for a poet whose work achieved immortality
Google tells popular music website to censor album cover art in 'sexually explicit content' ban

Naked censorship?

The strange case of Google, the music website and the nudity take-down requests
Howzat! 8 best cricket bats

Howzat! 8 best cricket bats

As England take on India at Trent Bridge, here is our pick of the high-performing bats to help you up your run-count this summer 
Brazil vs Germany World Cup 2014 comment: David Luiz falls from leader figure to symbol of national humiliation

David Luiz falls from leader figure to symbol of national humiliation

Captain appears to give up as shocking 7-1 World Cup semi-final defeat threatens ramifications in Brazil