Dolly Parton and the bishop: words fail me

A good vocabulary is the secret of better communication. How often do we know exactly what we want to describe, but cannot think of the right word? How often are we left floundering while the conversation moves on?

Worry no more! Today we have with us an expert in language, Dr Jack "Scrabblehead" Wordwright, to help sort out some of your problems and avoid those anxious moments!

All yours, Jack.

Dear Dr Wordwright: It is often said that when people pass by celebrities in the street, or bump into them on the train, these celebrities look so familiar that we greet them cheerily, assuming they are old friends, and only realise later with a sinking heart that we have greeted total strangers.

I, on the other hand, have the reverse trouble. I tend to confuse old friends with faces from TV.

The other day, for instance, I bumped into an old friend in the village shop and mistook him for the Bishop of Bath and Wells. It never occurred to me to wonder what the Bishop was doing buying carrots and frozen prawns in a small village shop - I was too busy trying to think of some small talk about ordaining female clergy and trying to remember how you address a bishop whom you hardly know.

On other occasions I have mistaken business colleagues for Dudley Moore and Dolly Parton (though not the same one).

Is there a word for this tendency to confuse friends and celebrities?

Dr Wordwright writes: Not as far as I know.

Dear Dr Wordwright: One of the most maddening things in the world is what happens when you are tipping things into a carrier bag, and you catch the edge of the carrier bag in such a way that everything you are trying to get INTO the carrier bag tips down the side of the carrier bag and slides neatly on to the floor.

I have done this with ashes from a fire and the contents of waste-paper baskets, and it drives me scatty, but I have never discussed it with anyone because I cannot think of a word for it. What word would you recommend?

Dr Wordwright writes: There does not seem to be one, I am afraid.

Dear Dr Wordwright: In the old days when you wrote a letter, you sent it off and kept a carbon and that was that. Nowadays, letters are usually done on a word processor, so you can never be quite sure if you have actually sent the letter off or not - the presence or absence of hard copy is no clue any more. Recently I have quite often found myself dispatching the same letter twice, or myself sending it once and my secretary sending it again.

Quite apart from the cost of postage, it does not create a very good impression on my correspondents when I ... well, what IS the word for sending the same letter twice?

Dr Wordwright writes: I do not think there is one as yet, though I am sure that one will come along.

Dear Dr Wordwright: The expression "catching the waiter's eye" describes very well the act of, well, catching the waiter's eye, but how do you describe NOT catching the waiter's eye? What is the name for those little series of frustrated gestures that diners make in an effort to attract a waiter's attention? That half-raised arm, the sideways tilt of the head, the barked command in a language which might be French, Italian or English, the ludicrous wave of the hand across an uncaring, unseeing restaurant, all of which is serenely ignored by the hurrying waiters - how WOULD you describe all that scenario?

Dr Wordwright writes: A very good point. I am not aware of any word yet devised to cover this, though there is obviously a need for it.

Dear Dr Wordwright: Is there a collective word for mass coughing, as for instance at a concert when there is a gap between movements?

Dr Wordwright writes: No.

Dear Dr Wordwright: Is there any name for the gradually dawning realisation that although you thought you were going to get some useful answers, you are not going to after all and are going to end up as much in the dark as before?

Dr Wordwright writes: Yes. It is called the Scott Inquiry Experience.

Keep those questions rolling in!