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Leading article: Men of Britain, do your duty

Medium latte with chocolate sprinkles? We would advise against it, sir. Not good for the sperm count. Along with most of modern life. Not that it is easy to be specific about sperm. It is not the sort of thing one can look up on Google without the risk of acquiring what is known as "too much information". But our intrepid reporters, who have other means of accessing the cutting edges of scientific knowledge, tell us that human males are now less potent than hamsters. Taking all things into account - such as the ability to store food in cheeks, tight undergarments (the fashion for hamsters wearing Calvin Kleins having passed), differing chat-up lines, etc.

Men of Britain. You know your duty to the propagation of the species. Tea, not coffee. Cold baths. Get more sleep. Thank you. Goodnight.