The revelation that Britain's favourite compere, Anne Robinson, might have become the Tory candidate for the post of mayor of London naturally prompts speculation about what she might have campaigned on. We have a few ideas.
Like Boris Johnson, we suspect she had it in for those bendy buses – much the weakest link in the transport system, surely. What about repainting the rest of those scarlet buses and post boxes a nice orange hue? Perhaps she would have approached that idea a little gingerly.
But we're convinced she intended to give the city a facelift. No need for "mature" buildings to divulge their age these days, we can imagine her declaring. Anne intended to make more than purely cosmetic changes to London, of course – not, we stress, that there is anything wrong with cosmetics!
Believe any of this? Well, we cannot reproduce that famous wink here. But, we can repeat that equally famous parting shot – "Goodbye!"