One-way to the Red Planet, sponsored by Big Brother

It’s week 48 in the Big Brother Mars Lander. The five remaining contestants are battling it out to escape eviction into the deadly vacuum outside. And with barely any food and water left, tempers are fraying on the telly spaceship.

Sneaky love rat Simon has been cosying up to ditzy Denise, trying to find out where her last custard cream is. How could he? The busty blonde looked like she might go into meltdown when she worked out his scam. Instead, she nominated him for the void.

Meanwhile, hunky Dan and transgender Mary are hoping to lure the others into the airlock by pretending there’s a stowaway mouse there. Meat! For the first time in weeks! If they succeed in the challenge, they’ll get a few extra days of cramped, starving and utterly hopeless existence.

But glamour model Lisa is still the bookies’ favourite. The Irish beauty was hated at first because of her constant chatter. But since being exposed to massive doses of cosmic radiation, she just stares at the wall, making her a big favourite with shipmates. “I find her really restful,” Denise told viewers. “At first I couldn’t see why she was chosen out of the 165,000 applications for Mars One. Now I’m out here it all makes perfect sense, though.”