Enough already please of OJ, dams, spam and Shane

Captain Moonlight
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The Independent Online
YES, IT'S that time of the year again. Time for one of this column's most enduring and endearing institutions: Captain Moonlight's Handy List of People, Things And Phrases We All Had Rather Too Much Of Last Year And Don't Want To Be Troubled With Or By This Year, Thank You And Good Night. Last year, you will remember, it was 93 Not Wanted in '94. This year, imaginatively, it is, yes, 94 not wanted in '95. What will I do in 2001? Stick around. (I would have said "Watch this space, as they say", b ut, unfortunately, both "Watch This Space" and "as they say", cf also "the rest, as they say, is history", are banned.)

Some success to report with last year's list. Mr Blobby? Did for him, I think you'll agree. Ditto Rachel Whiteread. Not quite so many peregrinatory goalposts on horizontally challenged playing fields, either. Finished Rob Newman, didn't quite manage the trick with David Baddiel, who went on to lead the Fantasy Football League movement, which at least keeps a lot of people out of the pubs while they pore over their little tables at home. Not funny if you get caught in the lift with a couple of them, though (see 39).

But Kylie Minogue just won't go away, and I'm afraid there are still large sections of the community doing appalling imitations of Victor Meldrew saying "I don't believe it!''. Sadly, they have now been joined by another large group attempting the JeremyPaxman long-drawn-out "Yes''. And, for some unfathomable reason, middle-aged government ministers, ex-ministers and sundry other Tories refused to keep their trousers on despite my strictures.

Nevertheless, I soldier on. It is a mission. Concentrate. Take notes. Make resolutions. Tell your friends. Here are the No More 94: 1 David Mellor 2 David Mellor's trousers (you remember, the flared fawn ones with the brown suede inlets. See also 30, Yeltsin B, and 52)

3 Discussions about whether the next millennium begins in 2000 or 2001

4 Discussions about whether we should put the clocks back, with or without reference to the problems of Scottish farmers finding sheep in the dark 5 Another book by Britt Ekland 6 Another book by Edwina Currie 7 Another book by Martin Amis 8 Another break-up for Phil Collins. I don't think I could stand it, I really don't 9 People who knock Naomi Campbell's writing. Swan was not that bad, despite what the smart metropolitan lit crits said. I understand she's now working on Turkey 10 Articles which pretend to be about the many talents and phenomenon of Elizabeth Hurley but are in fact a cheap excuse to use a photograph of Miss Hurley dressed in very little 11 Another article about the Wonderbra, used merely as a pretext to show that picture of Eva Herzigova again 12 People who reply "Yes, all day'', when you ask them if today is Sunday 13 Colonic irrigation 14 The Great Train Robbers 15 Inspector Jack Slipper, "Slipper of the Yard'', on 14

16 The probability of Lord Lucan being alive 17 People who tell you that if Charles Dickens were alive today he would be sitting next to a pool in Beverly Hills writing movies 18 People who tell you that if Charles Dickens were alive today he would be writing EastEnders 19 Stories about large vegetables, mean lottery winners and the arrival of Siberian warblers in East Anglia 20 The certainty of Elvis being alive 21 The possibility of a grandson for the mortally challenged superstar through his daughterLisa Marie's recent liaison 22 Bono being allowed to talk between songs at U2 concerts 23 Bono being allowed 24 Pink napkins 25 Whigfield 26 The next person to give me a verbatim account of John Travolta talking with the other one in Quentin Tarantino'sPulp Fiction about what they call cheeseburgers in France 27 Quentin Tarantino 28 Forrest Gump 29 Barry Norman and Film '95. And why not?

30 The extraordinary trousers worn by Boris Yeltsin during that visit to the pub near Chequers with John and Norma 31 Those cardigans based on Nicole Farhi's idea of the daywear of an Anotolian shepherd which Marks & Spencer is now selling and everybody wears with a tieless shirt buttoned at the neck 32 Tieless shirts buttoned at the neck 33 The continuing success of Wigan Rugby League Club (an entirely personal prejudice, this)

34 Jokily surreal lager ads on television, and the one for orange juice featuring alarming Amerindians. Why can't we go back to bespectacled men in white suits with pointers and graphs just telling us what to buy?

35 Listen, I like Hugh Grant 36 But please, please, no more of that Auden poem 37 Personally, I preferred the original by Reg Presley and his Hants supergroup, the Troggs 38 The wearing of aftershave while travelling in lifts in three-star hotels before breakfast 39 Talking in lifts. I have now had enough of "Warm enough for you?'', "Keeping busy?", "What a day, eh?", "Half-day, then?'', "All the way to the top'', "It's a great life if you don't weaken'', and "It's not me, it's the others''

40 The naff pop music questions on University Challenge 41 The haircuts on University Challenge 42 The Internet. I know there are all those people out there, but do you want to talk to them? Most of them have University Challenge haircuts, you know 43 Shane Warne's haircut, while we're at it 44 And Eddie George's 45 The rest of Shane Warne 46 Stories about Scrabble 47 Dams 48 Spam 49 Serbians 50 Chargrilled Jerusalem artichokes 51 Another interview with Alan Clark 52 Replica soccer kit 53 The search forthe Feel-Good Factor. (Actually, it's easy. See 93)

54 Interaction. Proactive. Crossover. People who say "He speaks highly of you, too"

55 The past and present mental health of Ernest Saunders 56 Fireman Sam and Stephen Fry 57 Cruel jibes at Melvyn Bragg's new hairstyle. The man is only trying to age with dignity 58 Barbra Streisand 59 Skiing. Anywhere. But particularly when members of the Royal Family are present 60 The Duchess of York's housing problems while she waits for her £4m divorce settlement 61 Another picture of the Princess of Wales in that Stars and Stripes T-shirt leaving or arriving at the Harbour Club. Or anywhere else in anything else 62 The anguish of the Prince of Wales 63 The sadness of the Queen 64 Any more tributes to Roy Castle. Just send the money 65 Tony Blair's career in rock'n'roll 66 Mini bars 67 The struggles of Bel Mooney for a fairer world 68 The suffering of Mohamed Al Fayed in an unfair world 69 John Cleese telling everybody what is good for them in a heavily humorous, caring way 70 Those 3D Magic Eye things. Well, you might say it's just because I can't do them, but it isn't 71 The wink of Anne Robinson 72 The wit of the Johnson brothers, Paul, Frank and Teddy 73 The bottoms of Take That! 74 The Buddhism of Richard Gere and assorted other Hollywood wackos and wives of Cabinet ministers 75 It's Good To Talk 76 O J Simpson. Purleese! Enough, Already! 77 People who say Purleese! Enough, Already! 78 Aids ribbons as conscience accessory 79 Grated white truffles on the polenta 80 Joint letters from playwrights to the Guardian 81 Endless letters from the editor of the Guardian to Jonathan Aitken and staff members who did the odd bit for the KGB 82 Men with pony-tails. Have you noticed that this is more prevalent in the North than the South? Sheffield is positively heaving with them 83 How Desmond Lynam does it 84 On the back of, ahead of, fronting up to, arguably, paradigm, sad people, babes, and Lady Buck 85 Drugs in sport, particularly discussions about it. When can we have the Positive Drugs Olympics, by the way?

86 Those strange conversations on the Today programme between football managers and someone called Gary 87 People being focused 88 Things being perceived 89 The use of Zimmer frame in connection with achievements by sportsmen over 26 years of age 90 Loose Ends 91 Dinner parties. How much discussion about schools or Bosnia can you take while wondering what the stuff in the sauce with the red peppers actually is?

92 Baseball hats 93 The long, sad absence of John Major from merchant banking 94 All these damn lists everywhere

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