Everybody vote for Creepy Crawley

Educational experts have been struck dumb by the revelation that the Prime Minister of Great Britain is, in fact, a schoolchild.

Yes, the "man" who has been running the country for the past few years turns out to be a schoolchild with the educational standards of a 14- year-old and the mental apparatus to go with it. However, thanks to the necessary sleight of hand to conceal this from all his colleagues, he has so far evaded detection and might never have been unveiled had it not been for the eagle eye of child expert Terry Knebworth.

"It's a funny thing, really," says Terry. "I was just running a test case through the computer of some child I had been studying, when someone browsing through the print-out said: `Why are you doing a dossier on the PM?' I said I was doing a file on a 15-year-old called Wilton Crawley. `Well,' said my colleague, `it certainly sounds like the PM to me.'

"This caused me to have another look at the core characteristics I had listed ..."

Excuse me. What are core characteristics? "They are the basic traits of a character."

What is the difference between "core" and "basic"? "None at all. `Core' is a trendy word we use to make things sound impressive to outsiders."

Thank you. Carry on. "Anyway, I ran my eye down the list of core characteristics of this child and they coincided uncannily with the known ones of the PM. The boy loved cricket and often went straight from school to play or watch it. He loved junk food and often bunked off to the Little Chef to stuff himself. He thought it important to stick to traditional methods - `back to basics', you might say - and he often used rude words when he thought no one in authority was listening.

"Well, I need hardly remind you that all these character traits have been openly attributed to the PM. There were other points of similarity, too. Wilton Crawley had grown up with an extremely dominant mother ..."

Did John Major? "I don't know. But he grew up under the tutelage of Margaret Thatcher, which comes to much the same sort of thing. And another thing: Wilton Crawley always claimed he was passionate about education. I need hardly remind you that John Major has recently taken to claiming the same thing."

Yes, but how much is that borne out in real life? Is Wilton Crawley, this unconscious parallel of the PM, actually any good at school? Are his exam results impressive? "No, they're not. But then, John Major's exam results were pretty bad as well, especially for a man who is passionate about education. Barely a few O-levels. It all fits together."

So what conclusions do you draw from this chance series of parallels? "There are two possible conclusions. One is that John Major could benefit from further education, and might be ready now to go to university."

Who would run the country in his absence? "Well, that's the other conclusion I draw. If you're looking for a temporary premier, what about letting Wilton Crawley do it?"

This 15-year-old schoolboy? "Yes. If he is so like John Major in other ways, why couldn't he just step in and run the country? He strikes me as quite a talented and responsible child. He might do quite well. He couldn't do any worse, that's for sure. Of course, that's just my personal opinion. But it's based on close and reasoned observation. It would make a change to have a 15-year-old West Indian running the country."

Is he West Indian? "Well, he is of Caribbean extraction, as you might expect with a name like Wilton. Curiously enough, the one time I brought up the subject of his name, he winced and said he didn't like it."

Didn't like Wilton? "No. Didn't like Crawley. Said he suffered a lot from people at school calling him Creepy. He wanted to change his name when he got a chance. Isn't that an astounding coincidence?"

Is it? In what way? "Have you forgotten that John Major also changed his name when he grew up?"

My God, you are right. This is getting uncanny. Are there any other areas of likeness between the boy known as Wilton Crawey and the boy known as John Major? "Plenty. For a start, Wilton Crawley likes playing with trains ..."

Does John Major like playing with trains? "What is this absurd privatisation if it is not playing with trains? How else would you describe the ridiculous splitting up of British Rail into lots of little companies with their own names and insignia? As an adult idea, it makes no sense at all. As a childish fancy, it is just what you would expect."

Do you think we are being governed by an intelligent-seeming child? If "Yes", phone this number to cast your vote. If "No", forget it.