Everything must go in the Tory party sell-off

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The Independent Online
A very important announcement by the Treasury.

We are pleased to announce today that after the general election there will be a total break-up of the Tory party prior to its sale to the public.

For years the Tory party has served the country well as a method of enriching those who have had the sense to join it, and as a method of governing the country when no other method has been available.

Now, however, the whole Tory party is creaking with age and overuse. Severely underfunded and under-maintained, it has been threatening to come to a complete halt in recent years. Corruption and bureaucracy are rife, and large sums of money have gone mysteriously missing. Reports on its decline have been commissioned and studied, but none has been acted upon.

Therefore it is felt to be time that this historic institution was completely overhauled and subject to a new rush of blood to the head.

Accordingly, after the general election the Tory party will be split up and sold off in many different sections.

The range of possible investments is too vast to enumerate here, but as a pointer we would like today to list some of the most attractive units of the Tory party, which will be certain to attract private funds.

1. The Home Office.

This magnificent institution has an unparalleled record in building large mansions in remote parts of the country for the locking up of people who may or may not have committed crimes. The present director, Mr Howard, has been applauded for his success by publications as different as The Sun and the News of the World. A previous employee of Mr Howard's, a Mr Derek Lewis, says: "My experience in Michael Howard's early-release-from- duties programme has taught me a lot about the world. Am I a reformed character? Well, I certainly wouldn't want to go back in the Prison Service in a hurry!"

2. Jeffrey "Lord" Archer. Do you want a speech by an "Oxford" graduate at a moment's notice? Do you want someone to come to a fund-raising dinner at short notice? Do you want a best-selling novel written by this time tomorrow? Do you want someone to hand over a largish sum of money to a prostitute on Victoria station and can't make the gig yourself? Do you want the House of Lords made a laughing stock?

3. Tory Transport Policy.

Never once been used! This magnificent machine would co-ordinate Britain's road and rail into one unit and revive our public transport system! Completely untried and untested! Still under its original wraps! May not even exist!

4. "Dr" Brian Mawhinney.

Do you need some trouble sorting out? Got a spot of bother? Are some people being a real nuisance? Do you need a hard man to come round and sort them out? Do you need someone to, metaphorically of course, bang people's heads together and make them see things your way? Look no further! "Dr" Brian Mawhinney has had more experience of this sort of thing than Norman Tebbit.

5. The National Curriculum.

Self-contained body of knowledge. Contains all you need to know about the things that the Tory party considers important, for example, publicity, marketing, and always answering a different question if you don't like the one you have been asked.

6. The Douglas Hogg.

For a dozen years the Tory party has been conducting genetic experiments to see if they can come up with a politician who never resigns, never admits fault, never understands, never goes to Brussels when asked to and never knows when he looks stupid in a hat. This is the closest yet.

7. The Millennium Fund. Loads of money! No discernible purpose! Could all be yours!

8. Quangos galore!

Over the past dozen years the Tory party has constructed hundreds of thousands of small, almost undetectable quangos, which are designed to go on running the country should anything ever happen to the Tory party, such as an adverse election. They will be much in demand after the general election. Or get one now at reduced cost - free knighthood comes with every one!

Send a stamped, addressed envelope now for the complete mouth-watering list of goodies on offer. Remember - everything must go after May.