Hague is plagued and Blair is made up

Share
Related Topics
welve Months have gone by since last I set down my free Thoughts upon the present State of Affairs, in which Period severall great Events, infallibly predicted in my Almanack anno. 1998, have duly come to pass, viz., Master Peter Mandelson, his Restoration to the Ministry following the Payment of his Debt to the Common-wealth; Mistress Mowlam, her Fall from great Office to who-knows-where; Master William Hague, whose Troubles descend upon his bald Head like a Plague of Locusts, or a Pack of ravening Wolves from the Mountains, or a Thief in the Night, as related in the Scriptures; together with many other lamentable Episodes, too numerous conveniently to list in a short Paper of this Description.

Because nothing so much distracts the Thoughts, as too great Variety of Subjects; therefore I will now give some Account of the latest Scandal that has come about since the Factions gather'd by the Sea-side in the Autumn, when Mr Secretary Anth. Blair made an Appearance before our wondering Eyes at Bournemouth in Dorset-shire, his face all cover'd in Powders and Paints, like a Player in a Pantomime, or a Clown in a Circus.

The great Diversion in Town over the past Month and more was the cause of Hamilton versus Al Fayed in the Law-courts in the Strand, where last week the Jury found in favour of the Defendant, Master Fayed, a Shop-keeper and an Infidel. I will now tell you something of the unsuccessful (and, it must be stated in all Candour, the foolish) Plaintiff, Master Neil Hamilton, for the Accounts of his Life that have appeared up `til now in the publick Prints hath been meagre beyond Belief, and in some Cases a Compendium of Errour; but these Accounts I will refrain from mentioning with too great particularity for fear of causing Offence, which it hath ever been my Purpose to avoid.

He was born anno. 1949 in Monmouthshire in Wales, where his Father was skill'd in the Operation of the Machinery necessary for the Removal of Coal from the Ground. When he was a Boy his Father moved to the West, to Ammanford in Carmarthenshire, where the Coal is of a different nature, call'd Anthracite; altho', to say the Truth, that Consideration maketh no Difference to the Engines necessary for its Extraction.

In this Capacity he was call'd Chief Engineer to the National Coal Board, a Body now consign'd to the Mists of Antiquity, like British Rail, or the Court of Common-pleas; and in which Capacity also he was Successor to the Father of my Lord Richard, that was in the Ministry till he was depriv'd of Employment by Master Blair to make Room for my Lady Jay, that is the Daughter of my Lord Callaghan, who was Chief Secretary anno. 1976.

But whereas my Lord Richard (or Master Ivor Richard, as he was known in those Days), was sent away to School, to Cheltenham-coll. in Glos., Master Hamilton was a Pupil at the Grammar-school in Ammanford, in which Academy he had been preceded by the present Author and, before him, by Master Donald Peers, who sang with great Sweetness and Delicacy of Tone of being sequester'd in a shady Nook by a babbling Brook, to universall Admiration and Applause, so securing the Position that is now held by Sir Cliff Richard.

At all Events, after his schooling in Carmarthenshire, Master Hamilton remov'd to the University-coll. at Aberystwyth in Cardiganshire, and thence to Corpus Christi-coll. in Cambridge, and was call'd to the Bar at the Middle Temple in London, and join'd the Tories.

Despite Qualifications of the most impressive Character, Master Hamilton failed to settle to any form of regular civill Employment; but Help was soon to Hand in the Shape of his new Wife, Mistress Christine Holman, as she was formerly call'd, whose Brother is a Judge of the High Court, and who gave her Opinion, both to her Husband and to others alike, that he was in Peril of becoming (as she phras'd it, altho' the Phenomenon had previously engaged the Russian authors) the Perpetual Student, and who, to alter this melancholy State of Affairs, directed his Steps towards the Commons-house in Westminster.

Once there, aet. 34, as the Member for Tatton in Cheshire, Master Hamilton was not, to speak with absolute Candour, the universall Favourite; for those that were amus'd by his Wit, which was a Quality that he undoubtedly possess'd, there were many more that were appalled by his Facetiousness and air of being, as `twas phras'd, out for Himself.

At this Stage in the History of our Polity, there was a great Quarrel between Master Fayed, a Mussalman, and Master Tiny Rowland, whose Religion was unknown, but whose Origins lay in the dark Forests of Europe. Now this Quarrel, beside which the Antipathy of the same Period between the Prize-fighters Master Chris Eubank and Master Nigel Benn paled into the utmost Insignificance, was concern'd with a Shop call'd Harrods.

Master Rowland (that is now dead, along with Master Peers) was of the strong Opinion that Master Fayed had acquired the Emporium in question by misstating the Origins of his Wealth; altho', to state the Reality of the Case, and the true Reason for the violence of the Quarrel, `twas caus'd by Master Rowland's Conviction that he had been gull'd by the wily Mohammedan and been made to look a Fool in the City of London and other Places.

At this Point also, Master Rowland was Owner of the Observer-sheet, where the present Author then penn'd a weekly Piece on Politicks in exactly the same Fashion as he does today in the Independent on Sunday. And, while no Attempt was made to guide his Pen in the Direction of the great Quarrel, whether by Master Donald Trelford, who was Editor at the Time in question, or by Master Rowland, whom he was never to have the Privilege of meeting; even so, there is no Doubt soever that the Paper made Attacks of the utmost Regularity not only upon Master Fayed but also upon Mistress Thatcher or, rather, upon her Son Mark, a Rogue, his Dealings.

The Reason for the latter Assault was that Master Rowland had convinc'd himself that she, or her Ministers, had enter'd into a Conspiracy to prevent him from acquiring the Shop; while, by what Master Blake, the Poet, hath called a Fearfull Symmetry, Master Fayed had convinc'd himself for his part that Mistress Thatcher likewise was the true Author of various Misfortunes which he had suffered and Humiliations which had been heaped upon his head.

But while Master Rowland had a News-sheet at his Disposal, Master Fayed had no such Convenience ready to Hand; and so perforce he turn'd to Members of Parliament or, to be more particular, he turn'd to Master Ian Greer, that had a whole Menagerie of these Creatures under his Controull, like performing Bears in Constantinople, and that is himself escap'd to the southern Part of Afrique. Master Hamilton was for a Time one of these prancing Animals, and was given his Reward in the Form of Cash in Hand, fine old French wines, &c., &c.

Alas, Master Hamilton was put into the Ministry anno. 1992 and refus'd to perform his former Tricks to the Satisfaction of Master Fayed or, indeed, to perform them in any Manner soever; whereupon the Author of the Corruption remov'd himself to the Guardian-sheet to denounce the corrupted, viz., Master Hamilton and other Tories; altho' 'tis evident that Master H. was willing to be corrupted by others as well. God Save the Queen.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Year 5 Teacher

£80 - £140 per day: Randstad Education Leeds: Year 5 Teacher KS2 teaching job...

Software Developer

£35000 - £45000 Per Annum Pensions Scheme After 6 Months: Clearwater People So...

Systems Analyst / Business Analyst - Central London

£35000 - £37000 per annum + Benefits: Ashdown Group: Systems Analyst / Busines...

Senior Change Engineer (Network, Cisco, Juniper) £30k

£30000 - £35000 per annum + Benefits: Ampersand Consulting LLP: Senior Change ...

Day In a Page

Read Next
David Cameron has painted a scary picture of what life would be like under a Labour government  

You want constitutional change? Fixed-term parliaments have already done the job

Steve Richards
Nigel Farage has backed DJ Mike Read's new Ukip song  

Ukip Calypso by Mike Read? The horror! The horror!

Patrick Strudwick
Oscar Pistorius sentencing: The athlete's wealth and notoriety have provoked a long overdue debate on South African prisons

'They poured water on, then electrified me...'

If Oscar Pistorius is sent to jail, his experience will not be that of other inmates
James Wharton: The former Guard now fighting discrimination against gay soldiers

The former Guard now fighting discrimination against gay soldiers

Life after the Army has brought new battles for the LGBT activist James Wharton
Ebola in the US: Panic over the virus threatens to infect President Obama's midterms

Panic over Ebola threatens to infect the midterms

Just one person has died, yet November's elections may be affected by what Republicans call 'Obama's Katrina', says Rupert Cornwell
Premier League coaches join the RSC to swap the tricks of their trades

Darling, you were fabulous! But offside...

Premier League coaches are joining the RSC to learn acting skills, and in turn they will teach its actors to play football. Nick Clark finds out why
How to dress with authority: Kirsty Wark and Camila Batmanghelidjh discuss the changing role of fashion in women's workwear

How to dress with authority

Kirsty Wark and Camila Batmanghelidjh discuss the changing role of fashion in women's workwear
New book on Joy Division's Ian Curtis sheds new light on the life of the late singer

New book on Ian Curtis sheds fresh light on the life of the late singer

'Joy Division were making art... Ian was for real' says author Jon Savage
Sean Harris: A rare interview with British acting's secret weapon

Sean Harris: A rare interview with British acting's secret weapon

The Bafta-winner talks Hollywood, being branded a psycho, and how Barbra Streisand is his true inspiration
Tim Minchin, interview: The musician, comedian and world's favourite ginger is on scorching form

Tim Minchin interview

For a no-holds-barred comedian who is scathing about woolly thinking and oppressive religiosity, he is surprisingly gentle in person
Boris Johnson's boozing won't win the puritan vote

Boris's boozing won't win the puritan vote

Many of us Brits still disapprove of conspicuous consumption – it's the way we were raised, says DJ Taylor
Ash frontman Tim Wheeler reveals how he came to terms with his father's dementia

Tim Wheeler: Alzheimer's, memories and my dad

Wheeler's dad suffered from Alzheimer's for three years. When he died, there was only one way the Ash frontman knew how to respond: with a heartfelt solo album
Hugh Bonneville & Peter James: 'Peter loves his classic cars; I've always pootled along fine with a Mini Metro. I think I lack his panache'

How We Met: Hugh Bonneville & Peter James

'Peter loves his classic cars; I've always pootled along fine with a Mini Metro. I think I lack his panache'
Bill Granger recipes: Our chef's heavenly crab dishes don't need hours of preparation

Bill Granger's heavenly crab recipes

Scared off by the strain of shelling a crab? Let a fishmonger do the hard work so you can focus on getting the flavours right
Radamel Falcao: How faith and love drive the Colombian to glory

Radamel Falcao: How faith and love drive the Colombian to glory

After a remarkable conversion from reckless defender to prolific striker, Monaco's ace says he wants to make his loan deal at Old Trafford permanent
Terry Venables: Premier League managers must not be allowed to dictate who plays and who does not play for England

Terry Venables column

Premier League managers must not be allowed to dictate who plays and who does not play for England
The Inside Word: Brendan Rodgers looks to the future while Roy Hodgson is ghost of seasons past

Michael Calvin's Inside Word

Brendan Rodgers looks to the future while Roy Hodgson is ghost of seasons past